I love this video cuz Hayden's look towards me when he turns arouns and realizes that I am recording him is PRICELESS. It looks like "What the hell is going on here? What do you think you are doing?" LOL.

Daddy time

Sesame Street

I am so enamoured with Sesame Street. I have come to appreciate it in a whole new way. My 3 month old son LOVES Sesame Street. I am sure it the colors and the music and voices. He has no idea what's going on, but he LOVES it. He smiles and dances and laughs (yes, laughs, its amazing) and he LOVES Cookie Monster. It is good though cuz we can play and dance and it gets him nice and tired for his nap at 11. But I have a new respect because it is designed to appeal to all children. Its ingenious, that Sesame Street.

Oh, what a day. Last night I couldnt get to sleep so I was up half the night. And Hayden has been crabby lately. I am starting to think his toofers are starting to come in cuz he isnt really taking very good nap, his gums are all red and he doesnt eat a whole lot at each feeding. But then again, he might not be feeling well in general. He doesnt want to sleep in his swing, he wants to be held, so I am thinking he has a little bug or he is starting to cut teeth. Either way the next couple days will be fun!

More Videos

Shadows

There are things that happen to us in our past, things that find their way into your present, no matter how you try to hide from them. I have spent years trying to stay away from the past... things I never thought I would have to face, things that are leaking into my path like haunting shadow, overwhelming me. I cant face them, I cant grasp them, and that makes me hate them even more. And as that hate spreads as the shadow looms larger... How do I escape the shadow? Something that I am scared of... something I am ashamed of... I need to hide... But I need to hide in the light, where the shadows cant overwhelm me.

Some more videos

I didnt realize how I was holding the camera, but I figured it out eventally.

3 months

We went and got Hayden's 3 month pictures done at Sears. He did a really good job till the end when we were doing the family pictures and he was getting hungry. But there are a few good ones. I wish I had thought about the fact that my hair hasnt been colored since December so I have some nice dual colors going. You cant even say that they're roots cuz its like 4 inches of grow out. Oh, well, next time for the 6 month pictures I will be more cognizant of it. But here is a taste...

This one of just Hayden we got the package of so I will be sending out small ones of this one, and I got it for the big 10x13. I just love it, it is just so him.

You want wriggling? :)

Hayden is becoming VERY aware of the camera so if he is smiling and talking and I pull out the camera, he knows. He stops what he is doing to study the camera. but this is more Tummy Time.

Simple Enough

I was standing in line at the BX yesterday before I headed in to work and there was this couple and their two boys in front of me. One of the boys, probably 6 or 7, points out a magazine cover featuring the "pregnant Man" and "his" daughter. Here coming the question I am not looking forward to explaining (not necessarily THIS question, but this type) "How does a boy have a baby?" So the mom goes ahead and explains that the "man" is a girl living as a man. I can tell that the older boy (maybe like 10) understands but the younger one doesn't get it. "How is a girl living like a boy?" The mom goes on to explain (impatiently, characteristic of an Army wife) about hormones and testosterone and such. The dad is desperately trying to NOT have this conversation in the line at the BX with the lady behind them listening and smiling (laughing to herself) So to nix the question in the bud dad says, "She does everything like a boy but stand up to pee." End of conversation, but I actually laughed out loud that time cuz the declaration of this simple difference between what it is to be a boy and to be a girl was enough to satiate the curiosity of this boy. The "man" who was a girl, lived just like a man, except "he" had to sit down to pee. Simple enough.

I feel much better having talked to Julie about the sleeping and crib transition situation. I had a good idea about what I wanted to do and how to do it, but was being overwhelmed with information, so to have her tell me basically the same thing I was already thinking has calmed me considerably. Not to say that I am comfortable leaving Hayden to cry, but I know that I am ok NOT doing it quite yet... so that also makes me feel better. I know this wont be super easy, but I feel more confident about it. AND I left the boys alone today and went to work for a couple hours at the commissary. They seemed to survive all right without me.

Crying

So I thought we would try to have Hayden sleep in his crib last night. I convinced (sort of) myself that it was time... so I sat there and listened to him cry... while I cried. I just don't think I can do this. I decided we weren't ready. Maybe I decided I wasn't ready. Which ever is the case...He didn't cry for THAT long. Maybe ten minutes and then he fell asleep for about an hour and then he woke up again and didn't seem to be at all tired anymore. So we laid in the big bed and fell asleep. I just cant listen to him cry. Even if everything says that its the best way to do it, I just don't think I agree... or rather I don't think I can stand to hear him crying. I just feel like he is going to think that I abandoned him in this scary, dark room. I don't want him to ever think that I abandoned him. And I know that regardless, he wont remember going through this transition. I realize its my own fears and memories that I have to contend with. I just have to remember that he wont remember this. Its for his own good (cant have a 5 year old sleeping in our bed every night) and that its this hard for everyone who decides to transition from the big bed to the crib....

Decisions

Its time to make the decision that I was hoping I would be able to put off forever. Everyday my body returns more and more back to normal. "Normal" for me is exhausted and no sense of balance... So I have to decide between continuing to breastfeed Hayden and give him the best developmental nutrition that I can, and going back on my meds. I guess a large part of me hoped that by having Hayden would make me better. Foolish I know, but it was a hope that held me up for a while. I can't ignore that everytime I start upstairs I teeter like a weeble-wobble. And I know that with every misstep on the stair, every tired, over worked muscle, everyday I ignore what my body is telling me, is one more step towards a future that I don't want and never asked for. So now I have to decide between what I know to be the best for Hayden and what I know is the best for me, and for the first time I don't know what to do. Do I sacrifice Hayden's health and development for my own? How can I bring myself to do that? Except then I tell myself that if I want any kind of decent future with my son I need to do what I know I have to in order to ensure that I will be the best mommy I can be... I wish this day hadn't come. I knew i would. I knew the risks before we got pregnant, but I wouldn't change our decision for anything in this world. If having Hayden means that someday I wont be able to walk, it is a sacrifice I will make 1000 times again. I don't know... I mean I know that there are LOTS of babies who aren't breastfed and they are fine... But they hammer it into your head how important it is for you to breastfeed, and while that was made me suffer through those first weeks when I thought I would pass out from the pain, but it is also what makes me feel ridiculously guilty for stopping. But Hayden has been having formula for a couple months now, but it hasn't been his sole source of nutrition. This sucks.

Mommy milestones

Oh, its so nice to have Matthew home. We've just been hanging out, cleaning the house. Getting things done that we have been putting off. So he is home and everything is fine. I didn't realize that I didn't update that he is home now. I guess I am headed back to work this week. Matthew is going to watch Hayden during the afternoon/evenings. So I am dealing with that. I feel better about leaving him with Matthew, but I have a feeling I am going to get a lot of phone calls and questions...which is fine. And it'll be good for him, he needs to learn and spend time with Hayden. And that's good. But now he wants to go to a concert at the state fair, and I have to leave him with a babysitter. And I have some friend who I would rust with him, not many, but a few. But I am not going to be able to have fun because I am going to be worried about him the whole time. Mommy has milestones too.

why am I surprised that he wont be home today? I shouldnt ever be surprised when something happens that will disappoint me.

New Formula

I decided to change Hayden's formula from the original Lipil to the A.R. Lipil to hopefully cut down on how much he spits up. It has made a Big difference. He still spits up, but not NEARLY as much as he was. and he seems to even keep BM down better too. the only thing that sucks is that the cans are smaller and more expensive. Good thing its not his main source of nutrition! But I feel much better knowing that he is keeping everything down. and I can tell he is getting bigger. I think his next weigh in will be drastically different. I just wasn't comfortable with 25%. Is that bad of me? I mean I don't want him to be a chunker, but he just wasn't growing very much. And his crookedness is going away. He had his bulge on his left side, like all of his organs and innards were in a ball on his left side, but it seems to be evening out now.

After his visit with Santa...

I miss my husband so much, its making my stomach hurt.