Ok, now I am in a quandry. The people at Bekin's called today and wanted to know if I had a ccepted another job or not. They want me to call them back. Now that I just got on at NMSS. And Diana told me today that come January there will be a temp postition open and by then my hours would be done so I could work there if I wanted to. SHe "hinted" that if I applied I would get it before ayone else cuz by that time I will know the ins and outs of the office more than anyone. But I dont know if I need to take the Bekin's job or not, but I dont know if it will be 40 hours or not, which I know that I can get at the commissary but I havent got a final aproval from Juliet about the commissary job. But I have to have 40 hours so if Bekins isnt 40 hours I dont know if I can do it, and I wont know till I go in and talk to them, but I dont want them to think that because I went in there, I am saying yes to the job, cuz if they think that I will have a hard time saying no. And I really want to stay at NMSS cuz I think I will really like it there, and if there is employment opportunity I would take that in a heart beat above all else. I want to be there, like I have never wanted to be anywhere before. And it is something I could feel good about doing, ad it actually uses skills my parents paid thousands of dollars for me to learn. I guess it just boils down to me talking to Juliet. I am just afraid if I take that job, I wont be able to work at NMSS cuz their hours are 8:30 to 4:30. So here I am in my quandry. It is nce that it s a psuedo good quandry for once. Too many people are interested in me. its a nice change.

On different, but similar note, I feel a calmness now that I havent felt in a very long time. I look around and I just feel that all my roads have led my to this place, and this is where I was meant to be. Like a calling. And that is what makes this quandry so very difficult becase for the very first time in my life, it seems like I know what I am supposed to do. What I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be helping people. People like me. Who are scared and confused and lost and I feel like I am supposed to do this. Not sit behind a computer all day, transposing numbers into a spreadsheet. How long until that numbs my brain? I need this. And they need me. Its ust like everything has alligned and brought me to this opprtunity and the idea that I may lose it hurts deeper than anything I have ever experienced before. Please pray that this works out and I can keep working for NMSS and that Juliet lets me keep working at the commissary. I truely believe that this is where I need to be, what I need to be doing. I have a direction. I never realized how lost I was until I realized what direction I needed to be going.

Well, here is little update for you. I met with the CWS conselor. I sign on to volumteer at the MS Society office. I am really excited about it. It will be a lot of office type work, but thats what I was hoping for. Taking phone calls, and filing and meeting with clients and drumming up donations and such. And if it goes well, and I am sure that it will, I want to continue on and volunteer there. Diana is really nice and she is the one who organizes the MS Walk and the Chocolate event, which unfortunately I JUST missed. But there are only 3 people in the office, so its really close knit. I am really excited. And I talked to her about my health and she says hat they will be on me to take my medicine, which is what I wanted, and why I need to start it early. And doing research and things and learning about the support system, and such. Unfortunately for y'all I have to sign a confedentality agreement so I wont be able to talk about what actually goes on at the office, but thats ok. I am really excited about this. And I have pretty much got Tom (at the CM) to agree to signing off on a "set" schedule of 40 hours, so Emily is going to be VERY buy now, but I feel really good about this. Like this is where I am supposed to be. I was presented wth this opportunity to make my life healthier and to help other people around me too. Now just to get my puppy and I will be set on my new life. I just hope I have enough time for my puppy. Since now I have to go to the office at 9 and then i have to be at work by one. So it least I will be able to come home and walk him and then go to work I guess. And then Matthew can play with him in gthe afternoon before he goes to work and I can spend all night with him. So I guess it will be alright.

I am told it is normal to be young and not know what your doing or where your going. But I dont know if thats true. I dont think its true. Because I cant believe that other people feel as low and as lost as I feel. Like I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I thought that I knew what i wanted and I thought I knew where I was going, but I dont. I look at my brother, and I wonder what am I doing? I learned a long time ago, not to compare myself to Amanda or Lew because I just didt measure up. I know that I am as smart as them, but I never did anything with it, and now I dont know what to do with it. Here is my rother who is not even out of college yet, who is being fought over by Rolls Royce and a pretigious professor who is funding an alternative fuel project that ..now has Conoco-Phillips and their $15 million grant interested. And what am I doing? Amanda has a good job and a house and a life, ad I just feel like I have been pushed out. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to them. But I am so lost. When I was at the store, I felt like I was actually doing something, and something that I could be proud of, that made me feel successful, for the time. Because I felt good, and I felt like I was doing something. Something real. Now, I dont know if I'll ever have that chance again. I know I am young and hae a whole life ahead of me, but tat is how I am feeling. I have been so bummed out lately, that I just want to sleep alot and I dont want to go to work. Because I just dont feel lke I am doing anything. And I know that I wont be doing anything for at least two years. And that bums me out a little more. And I am trying so hard not to focus on these things. So hard. Talking to Kristin has helped cuz I know that no matter how difficult this is for me, she is in a worse position. She cant call and talkto her family whenever she wants. She is stuck in an isolated world so far from everything she knows. And that is why we are connecting so much again. Because on different levels we are going through the same thing. Isolation, depression, entrapment in a world we never asked for. And we can bring understndingand light to each toher, when no one else understands. It has been so good to talk to her. It is a friendship that we should have been nurturing all along, but I am so glad that we are bonding again. I miss her so much. But I guess that is just another name to add to the list.

I suppose its time to update. I have been mostly spending my internet time talking to Kristin in Iraq. I think we have talked more in the last week than we have in the last 5 years. But it has been great. And I know she needs it. She is so depressed and lonely. Iraq is starting to wear on her. And now her internet and phones where she lives are down. So her one sense of normalcy is gone. I'm gonna send her some coloring books. And I have a box ready to go out to her. I am going to the post office as soon as I get my shower taken.

Anyway, its all been fine. We are getting the job things worked out. And tomorrow I go back to talk to the other lady about my CWS. I really just want to get that out of the way. And not have to worry about it.

We might get our puppy soon. I am so happy. I havent been this happy in a long time. And the Jackies needs a friend. She REALLY needs a friend! Or a bigger house! We might get him when we are home cuz it would save us the $250-$300 shipping costs.

Gotta love it. Just gotta love it. Matt comes in the bedroom last night and tells me there is a hole in his tire and now he has to get all new tires. Figures. Now that we are on the track to paying off the debts and now we have to get stupid tires. Nope, I got yelled at because I hate his truck, and I am so negativ towards his trck and I am being unreasonable because I asked why he couldnt just get one tire instead of four. But apparently we need to get all four... Whatever. Hopefully I'll have two jobs soon, and he can have new tires. But now he wants to drive my car. K. W/e. Arg.

Teaches me a lesson for taking a nap at 6 pm. Now I cant sleep. I guess I should know better. Anyway, I hate te night time cuz I cant shut my brain off long enough to relax. I'm all worried about my job situation. I have made some decisions that I hope I will be happy with. I decided that if the offically offer me the job at Bekins I am going to take it. Even if I dont like it, I worked at Wal-Mart for 5 1/2 years and I HATED it there. I can spend two miesley little years filling out paperwork and entering payroll information. And working two jobs wont be so bad. I know I can do it, and then we can get stuff paid off sooner, and get our puppy sooner. Jackie needs someone to play with. I will just have to learn not to see Matthew that much. We did it before... Yeah, that worked out well... We'll just have to make a better effort to spend time together. I have decided that I will just do this so I know that I am doing everything I can to be in compliance with my regulations which means I can be free of this shit sooner rather than later. I figure, I cant ignore the fact that when I needed a job this was presented to me on silver platter. I mean, they just happened to call me right when I needed a job? I cant ignore that. It happened for a reason, and given the events of the last few months, I have learned to accept that things happen for a reason. Besides, they are willing to give me a chance, even given my situation. I want to recognize that and appreciate that. And I will.

Oh, also I am VERY excited cuz when we are in Wilton, Kristin will be on R/R!!! Yay! I am so happy that we will be ale to see eah other!

OK, so here is an update for you. I met with my PO today. asically she said as long as I do what I am supposed to do, then she will evaluate me in 3 months and proabably move me to minimum contact. Which means I wouldnt have to go to the office at all and just respond by mail. I have to find a way to verify that I work 40 hours a week. The only way I could work part time is if I was in school, or had a disability of some sort. And when I finish half my sentence I can apply for early termination. So as log and she and the courts, approve it all this could be over quietly, in a year. Which was the bright side of the clouds. So here we are. I meet with her agian on the third. The Disney Trip is still ok, as long as I dont get into trouble between now and then. I meet with another lady on Tuesday to set up my CWS, and in order to get my minimum approved, I have to be done with my CWS, and all my other things, which are two things, which one is done. So I just have to submit to a DNA thing where they put me in the criminal database. So if my DNA shows up at a crime scene I'm screwed! HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, you probably didnt think that was funny. Sorry, I did. Anyway, she asked me what I thought about the whole situation. How do I answer that? I just said, I was happy about it, but I can only do my best to put it behind me. She told me there should be no problem, its the people who wat to hide, and drink and do drugs and move without telling her. I was just lke I have no initention of running off anywhere, i dont drink. I've never done drugs n my life. We are a millitary family. I am a good person stuck in a bad situation. So I think it went well.

I had the best day yesterday. Matt asked me to stay home from work, which he NEVER does. He wanted to spend the day with him. He never asks me not to work so I knew he really wanted me to stay. So I stayed home. We watched Back to the Future 1 & 2. And we made pump-a=kin bread, and we made homemade pizzas. And then we used out quesadilla maker and made Apple pie quesadillas. And we just sat and watched movies and cuddled on the couch. It was the best day to just spend the day with Matthew. I mean we sit and watch TV together but its not the same. We were very domesticated yesterday. It was fun. Very relaxing. And for one quiet Sunday, nothing in my world was wrong.

How it went

I dont know about this job. I just dont htink I would be happy doing it. But I am afraid to turn it down, because what if I need it. And then this opportunity was presented to me and I didnt do it and then I missed my chance and I am stuck. I dont know, I thought it went ok, but not super fabulous. So I guess I will see how it turns out. Maybe they will call, maybe they wont, at least I tried. It sounds like I will be mainly part time through the winter and then come summer I will be full time. So who knows. I will just wait and see. Roll with the punches, I am learning how to do that better.

I didnt know exactly what to say. I decided to tell him straight out. They do background checks so I decided to tell him right away. Might as well be honest from the beginning. if that is the deciding factor at least I know it was because I was honest not because I hid something. And that makes me feel good. Because I know that I went in there, and was honest, and was myself and if I dont get called back because of that, then I wasnt supposed to get the job today. But at least I know I tried. And it helps that I know I am still making money.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Actually they called me this morning. When I first left L.A. I posted my resume at anchoragehelpwanted.com and they called me. I figured, why the hell not. Thats verifiable employment for my PO, so I might as well come in for an interview! It was like it was meant to happen. Cuz they just called me out of nowhere. Here's the ad:

Needed: RECEPTIONIST - Full to Part time position at a busy Moving and Storage company providing multi-line telephone, front desk, computer payroll input and clerical support. Strong attention to detail & great interpersonal skills a MUST. Computer experience with Outlook, Word & Excel required. Must have ability to manage multiple priorities. 1+ years reception experience in a professional office environment is required and your resume and work history must reflect this experience. Please fax resume to ***-***-****. Bekins NWJob Location: Anchorage Available ImmediatelyPosted: 9/29/06

so tired...

I am so tired today! I didnt get to sleep til 3 am this morning. I just couldnt fall asleep. And then a few hours later this lady caled. Twice. And then an hour after that the jets started up. And then The damn dogs started barking... No one wanted me to sleep today. I am going to have NO energy for work today. This is going to be the ultimate test of my Lift Off drink. I'll let you know how it does. So far I have been pretty impressed with it.

I found coat at JC Penny's for work. Plus I think it will be nice for this winter at the hockey games since Matthew insisted that we tailgate on Saturdays. And I found some boots on cabelas.com but I am afraid to order boots over the internet cuz it might not fit. Oh well. I guess you can always send them back...

Boy, you almost pass out once and your husband wants to send you to the doctor. So I've never really fainted before. The closest I came was when I had kidney stones and I got sick from the pain, but I dont think I was anywhere close to where I was this afternoon. Matt was at work.. And I have not been feeling well for awhile now. And my ear has started acting up again. I was laying on the couch and I decided to go into the kitchen to get some water. So I walked into the kitchen and got a glass out of the cupboard. And when I went to get the water pitcher, i got so lightheaded. And I couldnt really breathe. I was breathing but it was like I wasnt getting any oxygen. And I could hear and feeling my heart beating in my throat. So I sat down on the bench and I looked up and there was a flash where my sight lost all the color and it was kind yellowish, sort of. It was really scary. Cuz no one would have known till Matt came home for supper a couple of hours later. So now he wants me to go to the doctor. I just keep telling myself that it will pass. I am my father's daughter.

Amanda called me cynical. I dont want to come out of this cold, and cynical. I dont. But I cant help but think that may be part of the package. Think of the worst thing that anyone has ever done to you, the most betrayed you have ever felt, that person who betrayed you was one of the few people in a vast new place that you trusted, which is very hard for you to do, and you find out that not only did you not know that person AT all, but that they inlicted this pain on you, on PURPOSE, and premeditated. How do you not come out of that a little cynical? I have done my best to handle this in the best way that I know how, but I am not going to come out of this unscathed. I wish that I could have, but as you can imagine, that isnt going to happen. I just hope that my PO is cool and helps me get through this as easy as possible. Anyway, I should probably go to bed. I am not really feeling that well today.

Do you think that you can learn to hate someone? I dont think that I know how , or I knew how, to hate someon, before, so I am not sure if that is what this is. I talked to mom a few days ago, after my meeting w/DOC. And After I finally cried. I finally let all of that out. And for the first time I vocalized what I THINK I feel towards Her. I havent even really said Her name because I dont want to hear it in my own ears. And it i funny how it is just Her name and not anyone else's. For example, I have no problem saying Laurie in reference to Matthew's mom, but when it is in reference to Her I cant say it. And I almost feel guilty capitalizing "Her" bur I dont know how else to reference Her. Cept maybe "coke" since I have found out that is Her candy of choice, and explains a lot about Her behavior. Anyway, I finally said, out loud, that I hated her. But I am not even certain that's true. I have never been so hurt by someone before, not like that. Not where I forgot to breathe. Because my world came down SO fast I forgot to breathe. How dos that happen? How do you let that happen? I let that happen. Yeah, I know what you are going to say, but I did.

I have done a lot of soul searching. I feel like I have been barely able to keep my head up above water for what seems like forever. Through court, through meetings, through tears, and doubts, through new hopes, and close friends... I dont remember what I was like before July. So much more clouds my mind now. But its the last two things that have helped me keep my head above the water. Above that crushing weight that wishes to steal my breath one more time. I know that soon all of this will be behind me, and I know that I will live through it. I have made such strides in moving on with my life. I am making friends... And anything that comes up now, that stands in the way of that... I am having a difficult time getting past them. I feel like I have done so much to pick myself up that now if anything happens to the contrary to that progress I barely have the strength to overcome that too. Like if I cant work at the CM anymore. .. I know that I can find something else. I know tat we can survive, but its not just that. I found something that I can do for myself that helps us get through this difficuilt time, and I am making friends there, I just cant think about that getting taken away from me too.

Well, for all its worth the court shit is over. Today was it. So except for my charity work and my new "best friend"" I am done with that stupid woman. My no contact order is done so Matthew can go and get my stuff back from that store. I am just glad that it is, for the most part, over. Now I just have to get the nxt two years over with and I am free of that **tch forever. And I dont have to not talk to my friends anymore. I miss them. The only thing that I dont want to do is talk to Danielle or Kim too much cuz I dont want them to get into any kind of issues with Her since I know how She is and She will shit bricks if She finds out that they are still in contact with me. Cuz the way She works means that if She cuts someone out of Her life, then everyone around Her has to do the same thing. I know, cuz I've been on the other side of that. Now I just hope that She will disappear from my dreams too and then I can really move on from this. We have like only 50-some days till we go to Disney World, so I will be able to totally leave this up here and go to DW and have no worries, no concerns, no stressors, nothing. Just some good times with the mouse. I am so glad that through all of this Mat didnt touch our Disney fund, he knew how much I would need this, we would BOTH need this after all was said and done. and on top of that we will spend a few days at home, so I can see my family. Which I also REALLY need right now.

Why am I not sleep yet? Jackie is probably wondering the same thing, since I am on her night time turf, but I dont want to go disturb Matthew. He is actually sleeping, which he hasnt been doing much of lately. And I dont want to go up and wake him. But I also didnt want to go to bed at 8:30 when he did. So Now I am stuck downstairs. And I would sleep down here, but I need to stretch out more than the couch allows. And tomorrow he will just wonder why I never came upstairs, and he will then thinnk I am mad at him no matter what reason I tell him. Usually I just fall asleep watchin TV since he goes to bed earlier than I do, I dont like to have the TV on while he is trying to sleep. But when I tell him that he still thinks that I was mad at him. I just dont want to wake him. He needs to have a real night of slepp. A few actually, so he is taking some sleeping pills. We are hoping that a few good nights of sleep will help with his temper. Hopefully.

how hard do you suppose it is to make an appointment and o to the doctor? Not too hard right? Right, so how come I havent done it yet? My sinuses still hurt and I havent gone. My teeth hurt and I havent gone. My ears hurt and I havent gone. I dont know why. I better go before it gets cold and I have to work outside all the time.

I am having a new bout of homesickness. For a couple of reasons. One, all this talk about Matt gteting out early sparked my desire to go home. Though I am glad that Jim helped him realize that was not good idea. I just couldnt make him see that we couldnt afford to live up here ad right now we have no choice. And two, I have five days left. Thats it. Then I have to face the music. And I am scared. I dont know why, I guess cuz it makes all of this real. BUT on the other hand it is one step closer to putting all of this behind me and moving on with my life. I choose to see that side more than anything but the other scary side does come out once in a while. I guess its only nature for that to happen. And she is back in my dreams. I guess that has more to do with me going to see Amber and Carrie the other day, they told me some stuff about my former employer that I wish I had known a long time ago so that I could have gotten myself out of a ery bad situation a long time ago. Oh, well, they didnt know either.

One more thing to feel guilty about... No, two more things

I kinda feel like I made Matt go crazy. Now I know that he has a genetic predesposition to anxeity, but I feel like I pushed him over the edge. And He wouldnt be blowing up at work, if I hadnt made a big deal about him not taking things out on me. Now I see that he needed to vent, too and I pretty much told him dont bother me with it. I am working so hard, I wish that I could make him understand that I am making money now, and I am busting my ass for it. And though it cant happen right away, we will be ok, and we will get our debts paid. He just needs to realize that. It wont happen right away but I get more money every day that I work so it will be ok. But then if I take a day off, I just think all day about how I should be at work, making money so he can have some mental relief. But I have to take a day off once in awhile. SO I have no reason to feel guilty.

Then he decided that he wants to get out early. And if July hadnt happened, he could leave right now if they let him, but he cant because of me. I have us tied here, until my charity work is done. So I have to work three times as hard at getting that done so we can leave and still work to make money to keep him from freaking out. I just dont know what to do. Keep on keepin on I guess. There isnt anything I can do. Nothing I say helps and I work way too much again, but that isnt helping.

I do think he is glad that I have friends again. Yesterday I went and saw Amber and Carrie at their new spa. And we went to get groceries, the first time since mom and dad left, and Emily and Micki came up to me and we were chatting. I didnt even see them come up, so I feel like I have made some friends at work. And I saw Jen in the parking lot last week and we talked for awhile. And I have been talking to Rachel, Danielle, and Kim on mySpace, so really Cori is the only one i havent gotten to talk to yet.

But anyway, he has an appointment with the doctor today at 3 so maybe he will be able to get some relief, and maybe he will be able to get to sleep.

I have decided that I am going to throw the Jackies a birthday party. I am going to get her a little party hat. Heehee Heehee. She will be so adorable. I am going to make her a little kitty cake... I have gone off the deep end havent I? Eh, I will just have to enjoy the swim. And Jackie's party!!!!