Why am I not sleep yet? Jackie is probably wondering the same thing, since I am on her night time turf, but I dont want to go disturb Matthew. He is actually sleeping, which he hasnt been doing much of lately. And I dont want to go up and wake him. But I also didnt want to go to bed at 8:30 when he did. So Now I am stuck downstairs. And I would sleep down here, but I need to stretch out more than the couch allows. And tomorrow he will just wonder why I never came upstairs, and he will then thinnk I am mad at him no matter what reason I tell him. Usually I just fall asleep watchin TV since he goes to bed earlier than I do, I dont like to have the TV on while he is trying to sleep. But when I tell him that he still thinks that I was mad at him. I just dont want to wake him. He needs to have a real night of slepp. A few actually, so he is taking some sleeping pills. We are hoping that a few good nights of sleep will help with his temper. Hopefully.

how hard do you suppose it is to make an appointment and o to the doctor? Not too hard right? Right, so how come I havent done it yet? My sinuses still hurt and I havent gone. My teeth hurt and I havent gone. My ears hurt and I havent gone. I dont know why. I better go before it gets cold and I have to work outside all the time.

I am having a new bout of homesickness. For a couple of reasons. One, all this talk about Matt gteting out early sparked my desire to go home. Though I am glad that Jim helped him realize that was not good idea. I just couldnt make him see that we couldnt afford to live up here ad right now we have no choice. And two, I have five days left. Thats it. Then I have to face the music. And I am scared. I dont know why, I guess cuz it makes all of this real. BUT on the other hand it is one step closer to putting all of this behind me and moving on with my life. I choose to see that side more than anything but the other scary side does come out once in a while. I guess its only nature for that to happen. And she is back in my dreams. I guess that has more to do with me going to see Amber and Carrie the other day, they told me some stuff about my former employer that I wish I had known a long time ago so that I could have gotten myself out of a ery bad situation a long time ago. Oh, well, they didnt know either.

One more thing to feel guilty about... No, two more things

I kinda feel like I made Matt go crazy. Now I know that he has a genetic predesposition to anxeity, but I feel like I pushed him over the edge. And He wouldnt be blowing up at work, if I hadnt made a big deal about him not taking things out on me. Now I see that he needed to vent, too and I pretty much told him dont bother me with it. I am working so hard, I wish that I could make him understand that I am making money now, and I am busting my ass for it. And though it cant happen right away, we will be ok, and we will get our debts paid. He just needs to realize that. It wont happen right away but I get more money every day that I work so it will be ok. But then if I take a day off, I just think all day about how I should be at work, making money so he can have some mental relief. But I have to take a day off once in awhile. SO I have no reason to feel guilty.

Then he decided that he wants to get out early. And if July hadnt happened, he could leave right now if they let him, but he cant because of me. I have us tied here, until my charity work is done. So I have to work three times as hard at getting that done so we can leave and still work to make money to keep him from freaking out. I just dont know what to do. Keep on keepin on I guess. There isnt anything I can do. Nothing I say helps and I work way too much again, but that isnt helping.

I do think he is glad that I have friends again. Yesterday I went and saw Amber and Carrie at their new spa. And we went to get groceries, the first time since mom and dad left, and Emily and Micki came up to me and we were chatting. I didnt even see them come up, so I feel like I have made some friends at work. And I saw Jen in the parking lot last week and we talked for awhile. And I have been talking to Rachel, Danielle, and Kim on mySpace, so really Cori is the only one i havent gotten to talk to yet.

But anyway, he has an appointment with the doctor today at 3 so maybe he will be able to get some relief, and maybe he will be able to get to sleep.

I have decided that I am going to throw the Jackies a birthday party. I am going to get her a little party hat. Heehee Heehee. She will be so adorable. I am going to make her a little kitty cake... I have gone off the deep end havent I? Eh, I will just have to enjoy the swim. And Jackie's party!!!!

I had the best dream last night. I havent really been sleeping all that well the last month so I dont really think I had been doing much draming, but last night's was great. We were at these people's house, and they told me that they needed help. So they led me and some other people back through these trees, and there was this temple. Like an Aztec pyramid temple. And I had to climb to the top. (I dont remember why) but the stairs were made of wood and there were like traps and things along the way. Like pits of mud and then you would look down under the stairs and there were like soldiers or guards marching around down there so if you fell they would kill you. And when you went to climb the stairs the temple would shake and try to knock you off in to the mud. And I slipped and fell into the mud but I was able to fight my way out, I felt like I was drowning in the mud. And Mandi Dusenberry was there (you will all remember her as my ex-best friend and Matthw's ex-girlfriend) She was there with me. And we got up another flight of stairs and Mandi fell into the mud. She didnt get back out, and I wasnt too upset about it cuz that meant that I would reach the top. So I ust hel on and kept climbing and I reached the top and an eagle came out of the top of the pyramid. I grabbed it around the neck and fought with it for a bit and then had to bring it back down the shaking stairs. But I did it. And then I woke up. So I dont know wy I had to do it, but I do know that I did it. Let's see what Dream Moods has to say about this one.

Pyramid
To see pyramids in your dream, signifies that many new and major changes will be occurring in a short amount of time. It is a symbol of longevity, stability, and a firm foundation.

To dream that you are climbing a pyramid, denotes that you will wander aimlessly for awhile before finding the gratification of your desires.

Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It suggests that you are going into your unconscious. It also refers to setbacks that you will experience in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it suggests that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging.

Mud
To see mud in your dream, suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some internal cleansing is needed.

To dream that you are walking in mud, suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship.

Guard
To see an armed guard in your dream, represents rational thinking. You are being cautious and practical

Ex (friend, in this case, I will replace words with the word friend)
To dream about your ex-(friend) suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex (friend). The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake.

Eagles
To see an eagle in your dream, symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage, and powerful intellectual ability. Eagles also indicate self-renewal. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

So did you see what I saw? Yeah. I love dreams.

It seems odd to enjoy your job. It has been awhile since I have enjoyed working. But I suppose when you get paid well, its easier to go. I know it keeps me there. I can come and go as I please but I always end up staying till close just to make that extra $10. Why not? I ask myself. Its ten more dollars than you have right now. And that is exactly it, Its more than I came with and thats it. Expect that the other day I was helping Tom bring in some carts and I smashed my hand. The entire back of my hand is one big bruise and there is a naty bump. And of course I hit the damn thing on my cart all the time now. I need to wear padding on it so it will heal. I think I might have really hurt it. But its all good. Its ot broken and I can still work.

I got to see Jen today. I ran into her in the parking lot at the CM. It was nice to see her again. Of course she had heard about what had happened. For those of you who dont remember, Jen used to work at the store, and quit to go to Marie's. She is the salon manager over there now. She toldme that she heard the day it happened. I am so glad I am out of that industry now. SHE must have called Mitch that day (you all remember Mitch from when I first started working there) and then Mitch told Cori (who I am still friends with, she is the only one I havent tslked to about this yet) and Cori called Jen. Of course, neither one believed what they were told. I knew they wouldnt. Thay know me too well. So basically all my friends have stood by me. I knew they would and what is funny is that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has said '...you knew she was psycho! We all knew she was crazy." Every single one of them. I knew it too, I just chose to ignore it. My mistake. Oh well, I would not have left that place any other way. That is just what it took to get me out of there.

I dont know what to do. I talked to Matthew already and he gave me good advice so I dont know why I am still worrying about this, but I dont know what to do. I need to be at work as much as I can because we need theoney, so I am not able to spen as much time on my online thing. Now the CM (which is what I am calling the commissary from now on so I dont have to type it out all the time) is an immediate answer to our problem, and can help us right now. But the online thing is more about the future and developing an ongoing, residual income no matter what we do or where we go. But I have to grow it first and I cant do that like I would like because of the time difference. The main calling times for the Lower 8 are the prime hours at the CM and when I will make the most in tips. I eed to spend weekends at the CM cuz again, prime time. So Matthew says I st concentrate on the CM job as primary and on the days I decide not to work there, I do the online thing. Which makes sense. And is logical. So problem solved right? Apperantly not, because I cant stop thinking about it. Because I feel like I have to spend more time than a couple days a week on this business. So I dont know what to do. Plus there has been some problem with my application and my orders have not been going through right, and noone thought to contact me and tell me!!! But I invested so much in this, I do not want to give up. And I still hold faith that it will be worth it, but i am just wondering if it would be better in a couple years when I have more time, and I am in a normal time zone. But at the same time, if I stop now I know that in a couple yars I will regret it because I will be years behind where i could have been if I had kept up with it. So what to do? I know that it tke about three years for ANY new business to establish itself and start being truely profitable. And because I know this, I dont ant to give up, but I am afraid that one I start having to do my "Charity" work I will just go crazy with too much stuff to do. I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days. So I sit home and I worry. And I worry and I worry. And I just cant worry anymore!

My new job

I have to say that I LOVE my new job. I have so much fun, and there is NO stress. It is the PERFECT job for me right now. Everyone is SO nice and I am so happy that I have a job where I have no pressure and all I have to do is talk to people and they pay me for it. I worked 4 1/2 hours today and I made over $80. I averaged $20 an hour and I didnt have to worry about babysitting any employees, or price prolems, or orders, or bosses. I just talk to people and bag their groceries and they pay me and they pay me well. I am SOOOOO happy. This is the happiest I have been in a long time. Even before all this shit happened. Cuz it has made me see how EXTREMELY unhappy I was at that store. Cuz I was NOT happy. And I didnt like the person I was when I worked there. I was a bitc working there. I was a snob. And most of all I was unhappy. Now I have found something that I can really enjoy. And I do.

I went to work today. It was pretty ok. The people are nice. Of course, there are always those people who are snotty and stupid, but for the most part tey are all good. My back is going to hurt for a couple of weeks, cuz I havent used those muscles for a while. But I'll be fine. I just have to plan out my time, I am not so good with the time management skills. But with my "charity" work, my online thing and the commissary, I will have to learn how to schedule my time or else I will lose my sanity! It will be like goin to school and workin full time. But my "charity" work wont be forever. And As soon as I get that done I will be able to spend more itme on the other two. Matthew says he is expecting me to go into my work mode again, which means I am going back to being a workaholic. Which in this case, is will be good for us. At least for awhile. I really do feel like I am moving on with my life. And my mom will be happy to know that I am having social contact again. Now I just need to remove the negativity from my brain and I will be back to a normal person, well, relative to how normal I was before all of this! But it is nice to talk to people again. I think that is what I am going to like about this, is that all I have to do is walk out to people's car with them and make conversation. Which I like to do so no problem. Tom says that they get people in there and they cant do the job, and I just wonder why. They must not have ever had a job before or something, cuz its not that hard. Just be consderate to fellow baggers and talk to customers. No biggie. Anyway, I thought I would let you know how things were going. I think I am going to do well. And I want to help Matthew. I want to get back to having conversations that arent revolving aroung money. I miss those days. What did we talk about before we were struggling to keep our heads above water? What did he used to ask me about instead of how much money was on our credit card? I dont remember. I hope we can find something to talk about. I almost want to avoid him sometimes cuz money is all we talk about. I am well aware that we dont have much of it, so please stop reminding me. I start feeling guilty after awhile, and then I get upset with him, so I avoid him, but I am REALLY trying to keep that under comtrol cuz I DO NOT want to do that! BUT silverlining is that I am DOING something about it, and I am helping out again. So hopefully he will be able to stop freaking out. And I have a job now so I can just go to work when he starts bugging me!

Oh, sidenote: Have you seen the advertisements for the new appetizers at TGI Fridays? Fried Green Beans? I love Fridays, but really?

RIP: Crocodile Hunter

This man will truely be missed, by his fans, by his animals, and by the world. Rest in peace Crocodile Hunter. Thank you for teaching us and for entertaining us. The world over.


http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1531424,00.html

Steve Irwin, host of the Animal Planet series The Crocodile Hunter, was killed Monday during a diving expedition off the coast of Australia, the country's Queensland Police Service confirms.

Irwin, 44, was stung by a stingray while filming a documentary at Batt Reef, Low Isle off Port Douglas at about 11:00 a.m. According to a police statement, "his crew called for medical treatment and the Emergency Management Queensland Helicopter responded; however, Mr. Irwin had died." Stingrays have poisonous barbs on their tails. John Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time, told the Associated Press that Irwin "came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart." Stainton said Irwin had been filming a segment for a series called Ocean's Deadliest.

Irwin leaves behind his American-born wife Terri, 42, daughter Bindi, 8, and son Bob, 2.

A tireless wildlife advocate, Irwin's career was not without controversy: In July 2004 he was cleared of charges that he got too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary, and in January of that year enraged child welfare groups by holding son Bob, then 1 month old, while feeding a crocodile.

In 1992, the year The Crocodile Hunter first began airing, Terri Irwin told PEOPLE of her husband, "The thing that attracts me to him is that passion he has for what he does. The animals have no capacity to return Steve's affection. In fact, all they want to do is kill him." Irwin himself admitted, "I realize that one mistake and I could be dead, but I've had a lot of experience and mostly I know when there's danger."

IN life there are always those people who will expect you to fail. No matter what you do, or say they will always expect you to fail. They are the people to have to overcome to be successful at whatever it is you are trying to do. Ad it doesnt really matter what you envdeavour is, their expectatios are the same. And it is their voice that resounds in your head, louder then all the encouragment you recieve. It is this voice you can hear, always. But the real problem arises when this voice is no longer that of someone else, but it has in fact become YOUR OWN voice. When it is someone else's you can ignore it, they dont know you, they dont know what you can do, they underestimate you. But when you listen closely to what the are saying you realize it is not a foreign voice telling you to give up, it is your own voice telling you. Betraying you. And it becomes all the more difficult to shut it out. Afterall, who knows you better than yourself? If your own voice is saying, give up, how are you supposed to quiet it. Quiet your own voice. The voices in your head. That keep you up at nght. That hold you back and make you scared. How do you quiet those voices? Sometimes it is all that keeps you going, but sometimes is is the one thing that can undo everything you have worked to overcome. Sometimes it is what keeps you on your feet, and sometimes you fight bak against the poison that your own voice is spewing.

Today the tremors arent as bad as yesterday but today, there are added sensations in my pinkie and fore fingers. I cant really explain it, it isnt numb, cuz I can still feel stuf, but it is like it isnt there, and yet it hurts at the same time. Kinda like when you hand falls aleep, and it waking up, but still kinda tingly. Thats the best way I can describe it to someone who cant feel it. I'll give it a few more days. I dont know if it is in my shoulder or its something I shoud be more concerned about it. But I dont know how I am going to be able to tell. I would go get my shoulder worked on, but we dont have extra money to do it, but I dont want to go to the doctor if it nothing. Matthw doesnt really know what to do when he rubs my back, I mean he tries and it feels good but there are no real results. I am wondering if its my shoulder more cuz mom worked on it when she was here and it kinda helped but its back. Of course it never totally went away. oh well. If i lose more fingers, I'l get more serious about persuing a solution.

Damn Tremors!

Today is bad tremor day. It has been a long time since I have had ne of these days. It is a costant reminder of those days to come. I cant hold n the my silerware, which sucks cuz Matt wants pancakes today. That was a challenge. It took three tries to get signed n to MySpace so if my typing is worse than usual, I apologize. But I try to take advantage of days like this to do more of what I usually do just to try to prepare myself for those times when this lasts longer than just a day. Those thoughts scare me. I have been so fortunate that my MS has not flared up ore than it has. And when it does, it is relatively mild. I havent had a major relapse since 98 when I went blind. Otherwise it mainly numbness and tremor, which I can deal with. I will just need a sippy cup so I dont slip on myself! B ut I have to ay I am doing pretty well with the typing. It is taking me twice as lond cuz I am hitting twice as many keys and have to go back and fix it... Anyway, I am going to go try to make a sandwich or something. Yay, oh the fun!

Ok so update on hw today went. I was so weirded out for some reason that I could not get myself to go there. I dont know what is going on with me brain! Anyway, when I went there, finally, I talked to the guy and he had me fill out the application. He said it would take about a month, he told me that I just needed to come in and bug him often. I told him that I would be in there everyday if I had to, the sooner the better. He's like, you guys are really hrting huh? I was just like yeah, pretty bad. So he said I could come in on Wednesday and do the two hour training thing and I could get startd by Friday. He was pretty cool and he is gonna let me bypass the waiting list. I think it really does help to smile and be polite. So here we go. I am just praying that, finally, something will go my way. The only thing that I am stressin on right now is if they run a background check. What then? What will show up? Nothing right now, right? I mean it's not like I have ben convicted of anythng, and Steve told me that I could go get a job like a normal person. So I really have no reason to worry cuz Steve said it would be fine. So relax, Emily. But my gift is worrying about everything, til I know that it is a sure thing. Thats why I will have an ulcer or a heart attack or whatever else it can cause.

Today is the first day of my new recovery period. I will go to the comissary today and start my new job. Is it dumb that I feel embarassed about working there? I know it is stupid. It is a job and oe that is going to help us get out of this mess. I think I am a little nervous too. I dont even know who to go and talk to when I get there. So I think that is part of it too. I dont like starting over. I guess. But it is not about me, but about us. This is all about us. And that is what I need to focus on. Lots of people do this tohelp them when they are in the same situation that we are in, and it helped them through it. I must go now. I have to go to my new job. Blah.

I just keep teling myself, one day at a time. I got my letter to go work at the comissary. I am going to have to work some long hours there to get caught up. But I want to help us get over this creavice. So I need to this. I am ready to do this. I am ready to help get us through this. I am ready to move on. I just hope that I can do all of this. I know that I dont have to do the "Charity" work all at once but I would like to get it done with as soon as possibe. It should only take a month, month and a half. And who knows, I might just enjoy it, depending on what I chose to do. But they dont get that very often! I am feeling better today. I got a wonderful email from Aunt Judy today that made me feel realy good about my decision. I wasnt sure I had done the right thing,until she sent me that and now I know for sure that I have done the right thing. I made the right choice. I know that I did. Even though I didnt "win" in the technical sense, I feel like I did cuz now She cant touch me ever again. But I can give Her a little kick in the ass with some phone calls to appropriate deptaments and licensing agencies. Like Steve said at the beginning of this, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Not in the heat of passion (or pain, in this case) but in a calculated, efficient manner. Calculated. I know what I have to do. In my house, in my life, in my choices, in my revenge. Which doesnt even seem like the right word. Because I'm not doing it to HURT Her, but to show Her that She is not aove me. In ANY WAY. Even if She never knows that it was me who made those calls. I dont care about what happens to Her anymore. I really dont. I have no more energy to spend on Her. I am so tired, I am so exhausted and I am moving on. Because I have nothing else to give, and nothing else to lose. Because right now I am starting my climb back up from the bottom. But like I have said before, I can see the end now. I used to look up and see darkness. I knew that I had to go that way anyway, since I couldnt go down any farther, but I couldnt see what I was climbing towards. Now I see it. I see what I need to get to. I can see where I used to be and I plan to get there again, and surpass it.

I feel a little lighter than I have in a long time. I have made a decision and I can start to see the end coming up. But since there must be a damper on everything, I help Tara pack up a UHaul last night. She's moving to Kenai. I am going to miss her. Sometimes I Just think that not everything can be ok at the same time or the world will explode or something. So at least I know that for the next two years nothing TOO bad can happen cuz something that sucks is already happening... Assuming t works that way, which I know it doesnt. Now if we can just get a hold of this First Shirt guy so I can get this jo, we will be back on the right track. I know that Matt is freakin out because he cant get a hold of him. I kinda am to, but I wont let him know that! He is so worried and he is tryig SO hard to be supportive and not be egative or anything towards me. So I appreciate that VERY much cuz I know how much he is trying. So the next step is to get this job and then I can move on from there. But I think that is a good place to move on from.

You know what I sing in my head? Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... Like if I dont I'll drown. Or the blonde joke where she's wearing the headphones at all times and the batteries go dead in her walkman and the blonde dies. Cuz when they listen to the tape it just says Breathe in, Breathe out. I have to remind myself that I am still breathing. I am still (relatively) healthy. There are worse things in this world. I will come out of this. I will. After two years, all of this will e behind me. And it will be something tat I lived through, thatI didnt think I would, but I did, and that's all. Just something that i lived through. When I get to the other side. I can see the other side now. Its a long way off, in the distance. But, I can at least see it.

Of course I really didnt sleep very well last night. I have another meeting this morning. I feel like I have to decide my future today. I know that it is not my whole future but right now that is what it feels like. I havent really been able to sleep since that phone call came on Thursday anyway. I hate to start having to drug myself to make me relax enough to sleep through the night... but I am not sure what else to do. I lay down and I am exhausted but as soon as my head hits that pillow, everything comes rushin into my head. Clients, and questions, and decisions, and worries, and more questions, and even more worries till I just have to get up and go downstairs. Watch something on TV to shut my brain off. I cant seem to do that, shut my brain off. Just for a little whil I just want no thoughts, no worries, no stress. Nothing. An empty brain. That sounds nice... But that isnt going to happen anytime soon. I dont know what to do except to keep trugging along, hoping the uphill struggle will level off soon. It is like a VERY steep hill. I have to keep moving forward, cuz if I go back now, I'll just have to climb this again later, and I dont think I could survive twice. I cant stop beause I will fall and the fall from here would kill me. So All I have left is to keep climbing. Keep wishing for the top of the hill. Or even just a plateau where I could rest for a it. Even if I knew rhere was more climbing to do, at last I could rest, and refresh myself. And then there are all these huge rocks that are blocking the path. And I have to ind ways around them, and sometime I stumble and fall a little because the rock is in my way. Nothing will let me just get oer this and cruise for a while. I guess I did alot of that the last couple of years. No big worries. Just strolling along. And then came this hill. I suppose I was due for a hill. Damned hill.

I cant believe that their visit is already over. How is that possible? Time goes so fast. I cant believe that August is over. I guess it is a little comforting to know that time still goes on. There was a moment where I wasnt really too sure that time would move again. But I have so much more to look forward to. I mean we are going to come home soon. And DisneyWorld. I am so ready for that. To be completely spoiled. No worries. Nothing else exists. I need that! And hockey starts soon. And even though we arent in the best position right now, I know that we will get through this just like I have gotten through everything else. I have to believe that. I do believe that. It just takes time. And since time keeps moving, I know that all will be well. As long as time keeps moving.

Anyway, I cant believe that it is already over. I have looked forward to their visit for so long, it just seems weird that it's already over. I dont even feel like we did anything! I mean we did more than I have done. Lots of cool stuff. I really enjoyed the art museum! I cant believe I had never been there before. And I LOVED the train ride. I wish we could have had some better weather. We did hae a couple good days. Especially when we went to Aleyaska Resort. That was beautiful! And I think that Jackie really won them oer. I was so surprised at how much they liked her. I was a little worried but Jackie can win over anyone! Especially if she got to my dad! I couldnt believe it!

One thing after another. At least it happened AFTER my parents left. I left Steve a message to not deposit that check till Matt got paid. Dammit. I dont know what to do. I really want this business to work. I really do. And I have already put in so much work. So I am going to go work at the commissary part time. And make some extra money. I hate having to ask for help. I wanted this to go so much better thn it is. I know I was expecting too much, I wanted everything right away, and the real world doesnt work that way. And yesterday I got a MySpace message from Danielle. I was molding her into my replacement for when I left the store (Irony sucks) And I really liked her. She is one of the three people I actually miss from that damn place. Anyway, hearing from her, just stirred up feelings that I had been repressing. Mostly how much I mss the people I used to work with. Well, her and Kim and Amber. And then she told me that Amber's dad assed away... And I didnt even know... I just hate Her for doing this to us. For doing this to me. She wanted to make some point, punish me... Fine, I am suffering. She'll never know that so what does it matter? Because She still did it and whether she knows the outcome or not is a moot point. It still happened and we are still broke, and I am so bummed and I have this know in my tomach that hasnt gone away in a month... I just want to go to bed and forget about all this shit.

And the house is quiet again. I think that is the hardest part for me, its not the ghood bye itself. Its coming home and it is so quiet. I miss them already. I think their visit just showed me how much I really want to go back home. I wish that I had never talked Matthew into staying here for 3 extra years. We could be so much closer to home right now. ad I never would have had to go throgh all of this. I almost wish we did get sent to ID. Except now it would be a lot more complicated. And I dont really want to actually move again. What a good visit.

I wish it would quit raining. It has been raining the WHOLE time mom and dad have been here. It kinda sucks. Most of the time you cant even see the mountains. We drove up to Wasilla today. Well, Matt drove us up there. It cleared up long enough to see the mountains, sort of. They were really purple, and the clouds were really white looking so it was pretty cool anyway. It will hopefully be the same up at Denali. Even if it just quits raining, at least that would be better. So one can only hope.

Today is the day... I didnt really sleep last night. I tossed and turned and was afraid that I would wake up Matthew. SO I came downstairs and watch Dog The Bounty Hunter till 2:30ish. I am really tired now. Good going, Emily! And MKatthew didnt even know I was gone. He is doing so much better with his sleeping. He is taking these vitamins called Sleep Now that help to regulate your sleep cycles. And he says that is is working really well. So I feel good about that. I helped him to fel better. And that feels good. Well, I should get some work done before The BX opens. I need to pick up some milk and stuff for breakfast. Then we can maybe go get groceries tomorrow.

We have spent a lot of time cleaning. Hopefully Matthew doesnt mess up all of the cleaning we did! But the carpets look 100% better than they did. We got A LOT of hair ou of the carpets. It was SOOOOO gross. I DO NOT do hair. So bonus knowing that its not in there anymore.

Tomorrow is the day. I cant believe its already here! I am so excited. I will be so stir crazy tomorrow. I will be depserate to find stuff to do. Oh well, I will have plenty to do, I'm sure. I just wish that the British terrorist thing hadnt happened cuz now it will be a pain in the butt again.

All I want is to set up a long distance account. is that so hard? I am so sick of being put on hold. Just activate it. How hard can that be? I want to be able to call my clients without paying ginormous overage fees on the cel phone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is! I have had more strss in the last 24 hours talking to phone companies than I have had all month! This is horrible! I want to give you money to provide a service. So you provide that service, and ten I give you the money. That is how it works. And I would also like to say that I am not too hapy with the Post Office right now either, as they take waaayyy too long to deliver orders. I thinkI am just going to go and get a job... I can deal with that I guess. At least I could leave the frustration behind at whatever crappy job I get and ten come home. Right now, the stress IS at home. I guess I never thought about that part of it. Oh well, I should get back to cleaning, until ACS calls me back about why I cant make long distance calls.

I have spent all day cleaning and shampooing the carpets and my back is killing me!!! But they look SOOOO much better. I've got the kitchen and tidying up the bathrooms and I think that is about it... Oh and my car. Better clean that out too. Matt needs to clean the garage. And his truck. I cant believe it is already time for them to come up. I wish it would quit raining. I hope they get at least a couple of nice days. It has rained allllll day long today. But it does look like it should clear up a bit on Thursday and Friday. Two days to go.

I am getting pretty excited about mom and dad coming up. Matthew and I are cleaning. It seems a good excuse to shampoo the carpet!! I really just meed to see tham. I know that alot of their tension is because they havent seen me since everything happened, but I hope that it will help that they are coming up. I just wish they would chill out a little. All I have been hearing is that they are all upset... So what am I supposed to do? I cant calm them down, because when I tell them things I dont think that what I am saying is actually being heard. We are fine. We arent going broke, and we're not going to. I can walk into anywhere and get a job, but rightnow I want to do something that is for me. Something that I enjoy doing and thats for me. I am not hiding. I am not letting anyone have control oer y life, I just want to do something different. I want to try new things and enjoy life angain. I am not scared to go out, I am not worried about what people are saying about me. know wat the truth is and anyone that matters knows it too. So why should I waste my time on anything or ayone else? Thats all I'm saying. We are not drowning. We are happy. And we are moving on. And we will do what we have to do to do that... everyday. We will pay our debts to those we owe them to, and that is the end of that. So thank you all for your concern but we are fine. And we will be fine. The end. Now, please excuse me, I have some clients to cal...

One month

It seems like it has been a lot longer than month since this all started. One month... I know this much I am DEFINATELY not the same person I was a month ago. I know that I am stronger than what I was. I know that I am less niave. I know that I am more about taking care of myself. I know that I am more than what I was. I know that I am taking care of myself, and doing what is best for me. I know that I am thinking more about the future than I ever have before. And to me, it looks bright. I am advised to do breathing exercises when I feel that I am losing my strength. In with the good. Out with bad. And it really helps. In with the good. Out with the bad. And Its the out with the bad that I am focuses on right now. Im ridding my life of a months' worth of bad. I am changing myself for the better. I am healthier and happier, and I am where I was supposed to be. I truely and completely believe that all of this happened for a reason. I know that I was supposed to go throughthis. I am being prepared for something else. Something more. Because I am supposed to be more. More than what I was only a month ago. I was a child. A niave child, who thought that she was an adult. But I know better now. I am better now. Thanks to some very wonderful people, and some words of advice and a few pick me ups when I needed them.

I wish that this business thing is would pick up qicker. i have to keep telling myself I have been doing this for a whole week and to be patient. But I cant I want to do some real business here. not just training and following leads. Boo. I want more people. MOre distributors. More people to work under me! HeeHee. More! ok. I have calmed down now. I am just excite to get goingand it feels like it has been longer than a week o I feel like I am not doingwell, since in my head it seems like i hav been working for sometime now. Oh well. Patience is a virtue.

I know that according to my now greatly rehearsed "I'm Fine" speech, I should be getting on with it actually being true, and for the most part it really is. 97% of the time I am fine, i dont think about any of the shit that has happened in the last month, and i mostly focus on what I am doing now, but there are those times when the thoughts creep up on me. Mostly at night, when Matt's asleep and I dont have anymore work to do. And my mind wonders. To the things I used to have, The life i used to have. I miss it, sometimes. Of course those things I do miss dont have Her in them. And then She shows up, just sneaks in and ruins everything. I dont know how to stop it. I wish more than anything that I could stop the dreams. The ones where she forgives me and apologizes and everything is back the way it was and I go back to that Store. But even when I know I am supposed to be happy cuz I got everything back, I am never truely happy cuz in the back of my mind, I remember what She did to me. I remember what everyone has done to me, and I wonder how it is that I continue to get up in the morning.

All I want to do is hide forever. And yet I tell everyone that I am "fine". It almost sounds believable, even in my own ears. Maybe that is when it is actually starting to be true. When you can fool your own ears into believeing it. But like i said that is only like 3% of the time. The rest of it I am focused on other things than the amount of betrayal I have endured from people who "loved" me. How can I believe that was ever true? There is only one thing She ever loved and that is money. BUt all these feelings rob me of my sleep. I dont want to sleep anymore because that is when the dreams come to me and I have to she Her face. And His. I have no reason to think that He betrayed me too, but seeing Him reminds me of Her and that is enough.

I wish this were all over so I could just move on with my life. Instead I am forced to wait in limbo, between lives. The life that was shattered and the life I am trying to piece back together. So instead of moving forward I am stuck, holding a few pieces I have managed to pick up but left standing over the shards that used to be my life. Shackled. Not able to turn away. Not able to close my eyes. I've forgotten how to breath. How to live, I only know how to keep standing. All I can do is stand there because as long as I am standing, then i know there is hope that I will be able to move. Because I KNOW that if I fall down, I wont get back up and there I will stay. A prisoner of the past. And a slave to the future. So here I stand. Holding on to my pieces with all the strength I have left. Holding on with all I have left.

http://herbal-nutrition.net/allforthedream

I am just completely and utterly drained. Once everything is done and I can relax, I am going to sleep for 3 days. I am doing everything I can to not get sick but I feel like my head is going to expolde! It almost hurts to blinc my sinuses hurt so bad. My teeth hurt and now my ears are starting again. I know, I know I need to go to a doctor ASAP, but I just dont want to. I have to try to think clearly and I cant focus. It sucks.

Matthew is asleep on the couch. I am afraid to let him sleep during the day, but I'm more afraid NOT to let him sleep. I think he is going to take a sleeping pill again tonight. I think he is goignt o go see somebody about all this. If they can get him something to help him sleep that might be safer than what he is taking now then maybe he can get on a regular schedule again.

I got woken up pretty early this morning. we had a 4.9 earthquake. It scared the bajeezus outta me. I didnt know what was going on cuz of course I was still pretty asleep when I realized it was an earthquake, and one strong enough to wake me up, I kinda freaked out. I was all holdin the sides of my bed, like I was trying to stop it from shakin. Yeah, that helped. Matt's like, calm down its just an earthquake. Yeah calm down, you calm down. So that was fun. It was the strongest one I had ever felt.

We sat down and talked about it. There were some underlying issues that we needed to hash out. It was very emotionally draining , but we worked it out. I let go of some tension that I needed to deal with, and he did too. So he feels better and I can go on tomorrow with out worrying about him, too. So thanks for all the advice. It is appreciated as always.

I dont know what to do about Matthew. Ever since he got home. ha hasnt been himself. I know that he just got back and it takes like a day to ajust for every hour in the time difference, but... I dont know. He keeps saying he is depressed, and I know that he is tired and stuff, but I am worried. I finally got him to take a sleeping pill last night so he would sleep through the whole night, but he just keeps snapping at me. No matter what I do, he just bitchs about it one way or another. I am not the most stable person right now, so I am trying to keep it together. But I dont know how long I can stand this. Today he told me that he was depressed and I told him that if it lasted longer than a week I wanted him to talk to someone. And of course THAT was the WRONG thng to say. But depression can be VERY serious. I know on both an acedemic level and a personal level what it can do to you if you try to ignore it. "It will get better," he says. Maybe it will. But I dont want to take any chances. And he got all upset with me for that conversation. And the day he gets back, of course he freaks out about the credit card balance. I'm sorry, I know that I charged alot on the credit card, but I could have NOT gotten out, and saved the $1000. So he was stressin me about how we were gonna pay that off. I am sorry I really havent thought about the cost of my freedom. I ont know what to tell you. Next time, I will consult you before I spend that large of an amount, but i didnt really have a choice. Well, I guess I had a choice, but I cant handle him right now. He was supposed to come back, and be strong for me so I didnt have to be,and instead I have to deal with his depression mood swings and try to keep positive that my life has not gone completely down the crapper. I can be strong for both of us. I just want to curl up in the corner and cry,but now I have to deal with him too. Him being home was supposed to make this easier,and instead I wish he would go back and be with his friends that he didnt want to leave, and then I can deal with this on my own. I know he had a good time, and I am sorry that he had to come home to a delinquent wife. I'm sorry that I cannot be what he needs right now, but I need him to be there for me. I know this may be a lot to ask, but try to understand. I cannot carry this weight on my own.

Do not guilt me about not having a job, it wasnt my decision. Do not guilt me about putting large sums on the credit card, i had no other choice. And do not gult me because you had to leave Korea, there isnt anything I can do to change that. Dont guilt me that now you like to go out dancing at the clubs, and I lost my clubbin friends. I have to deal with the fact that I lost my friends. I cant listen to all of that right now.

All is well. Though it feels more real now, all is well.

NOw I know I should sleep. Lord knows I will need it come tomorrow. But I cant. I close my eyes and I see her. In the silence of the dark I hear her. My heart longs for a time no so long ago, when I was happy and had everything I needed. Now... Now its different. Is this lesson she wanted me to learn? Who she is. And ultimately who I am? I wanted to stay here. I wanted to make our life here, in this majestic and dangerous state. But here, more than anywhere else, where the majesty ends the danger begins. Now I cannot wait for the next two years to be over so we can move back home, closer to the people who are my world. I knew when I left home that I left my world behind. I forgot that for awhile. Tried to create a good life here. But All I want is to come home, start my family, and plant roots where I know they will be strong. In the ground that has allowed me protection even thousands of miles away.

Who am I? I know more than ever what makes up the person I am. It isnt some cush job, being owned by a woman without a soul. It is with my home. My strength. It is how I know in my heart I have forgiven her because I may recieve my judgement here. I will take what I get, knowing that her judgement is yet to come. Whatever happens to me, will be visited to here hundred fold by a power I have entrusted my fate to. In ten years, I know that I will have moved on. And all of this will be something that happened to me, and I lived through it. And I survived, maybe a little worse for wear, but in tact. But She will still be the same cold, lonely woman. And that is sad. I will never be given a test that I can not handle.

I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.

I'm so excited. I can hardly stand it. Matt gets back in 5 hours and 43 minutes! I can barely keep myself occupied. I just want to go to the airport and wait for him. John, who is a husband of the girl who went with, has a copy of the orders and if you have a copy, then they give you a pass so you can go through security and meet them at the gate rather than waiting at security. Cool huh? So I am meeting him at 4:15 so we can get those. I am so excited. Have I mentioned that? I am going to make him the Orange Halibut that I made yesterday. I was really good. I think I will need to double the recipe when there are four of us, but yummy. And it was really easy to make. K, I have to go put my blankets in the dryer and do my hair. I'm gonna be all ready to go and still have 4 hours to wait.

Caution: Political Content

I dont ususally post my political views. I find it less complicated that way. So if you are offended then I am sorry, but I cant stay quiet about this one. I dont say negative things about the president. I dont. President Bush vetoed the legislation that would federally fund embryotic stem cell research. resaerch that will be (not could be, will be) the medical break through that will change this world forever. There are so many possibilities out there if only we were allowed to persu it. But he says that the United States should not "use taxpayer dollars to destroy life." Excuse me?! You wont fund research that, yes uses frozen embyos, so saved what could be billions (yes, I said billions) of people, but you dont bat an eyelash for the 30,000+ Iraqi CIVILIANS who have been killed as a result of your War on Terror? Because the U.S. will not "destroy life to save life"? Ok, Mr. President, I will remember to thank you when I am in a wheel chair and cant see my own husband. We'll see how many Alzhiemer patient remember to thank you on thir deathbed because you saved the POSSIBLE life of those embryos STILL FROZEN.

"And I think the worst sin of all, and I am a very religious person, I am pro-life, is to look a miracle from God in the face and throw it away." -Debi Martin

Governors from Delaware, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon and Wisconsin sent a letter to senators on Tuesday urging them to support the bill.

I wasnt made to be sad.
The Lord didnt give me this smile to hide behind a frown.
He didnt give me my laugh to drown it with tears.
I will pick myself up, and live each new day.
We all may fall so we can learn to rise.
We all have to crawl before we can walk.
I felt small and broken, but my spirit is strong and free.
Dont try to push me down, i wil always stand back up.
You can break my heart, and crush my will,
but my spirit will always soar.

Beautifully Broken
Ashlee Simpson
It seems like yesterday
that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday
I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow
I may not get by

But I will try
I will try

Wipe the tears from my eyes
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

Everyday is a new day
I'm reminded of the past
Every time there's another storm
I know that it won't last

Every moment I'm filled with hope cause
I got another chance
But I will try
I will try

Got nothing
Left to hide
Without the highs and the lows
Where would we go
Where would we go

I was afraid of what today was going to bring. I tried and tried to convince myself that it was just another day, no big deal. But I couldnt force myself to believe it. But in the end I came home smiling and feeling loved. I talked to Amanda for a while. And Lew. And Matthew. And mom and dad, and they all sang to me, each in their own way. And that would have been enough for me. But Tara called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over. I hadnt told her it was my birthday (part of the "just another day" philosophy) but when I got there I told her so she made me pot stickers and noodles and we had a waxing party. And she mentioned it to her grandma and grandpa that it was my birthday so they stopped by Baskin Robbins on their way home from Costco and got me a little ice cream cake. Which made me cry. It was so sweet of them, and I couldnt get over it since mom had just said a few hours earlier that she was going to get me an ice cream cake but didnt know who to call.

My birthday showed me how much I am loved. Sometimes you forget how important it is to surround yourself with people who are worth your time. I know in the last week I have lost a lot, but right now it doesnt even matter to me. I have so much more than I could have ever needed. I just forgot about that. Yes, I had a good job and i got a peek into a world that I may never see again, but it isnt a world that I need. I know my world is the people who love me. My family, who stands behind me to catch me when I fall, and Matthew,who doesnt care what I do as long as we are together, and Tara who has been my angel through all of this. So in the end I had a happy birthday, because for the fist time in a week, I am breathing normally, and i feel calm, and safe. Yes, I had my life ripped out from under me, but my foundation didnt let me fall.

So thank you, to all of you for keeping me up. And never letting me fall.

This is the lonliest birthday ever. I made myself a litle cake. I put in candles. I blew them out while I himmed Happy Birthday in my head. And then I cried. I promised my mom and Matt that I would do something. I told them I was just gonna sleep through it and get it over with as fast as I could. I guess the new year of my life can only go up from this point, right? But I promised them. They are lucky I did too cuz I was serious about the sleeping thing. What are the stages of mourning again? Whatever they are I am to the crying stage. I think that comes after the denial stage. Yep, no denying this, this birthday sucks. Is it possible to suck and blow at the same time? If it is thats Emily's 24th year on this earth.

You know it seems like I just really cant be by myself for very long. I need the social contact. I need someone to talk to to. I hav4e called mom so many times, and Amanda and i talked for close to an hour yesterday. And I talkired to Lew for a while too. I am just bored. BUT today, instead of boredom eating I spent 45 on the eliptical and yesterday I wotked out in the back yard. Matt needs to hurry up and come home. I am running out of things to distract myself. I still have the upstairs to clean, but I will be done with that by the end of the wem off to Vegas, so there is five days out of the way. NAd then I guess I just have to make it till Saturday. So I suppose its not that bad, but still... I need to keep myself from like going and getting something peirced or something. Yes, I am that bored. I miss my husband. This sucks. I dont know how people do thi for months at a time. I guess they dont really have a choice. Oh, well. Only 12 days left. I can do this!

Sunset last night. 

It was beautiful 

Today had to have been the single most emotionally draining day of my life. I really thought it was Saturday, but this was worse. Today I had to tie up the loose ends with Ralph. For those of you who dont know, I had to fire Ralph on Saturday. The same day Matthew left for Korea. So I thought that was bad, but today I had to get him to sign this no compete argeement and he wouldnt sign it. I talked with him for AT LEAST and hour before I got him to sign it. I mean he tried everything. He played every card, the friendship, the blame, the anger, the hurt. He threw everyone just to not have to sign that agreement. But I stood firm. I didnt back down. I told him if it were a different situation, and he was in my shoes he wouldnt back down either, he would do what Lori wanted, so why did he think I would cave? Because I havent shown him that side of me before. I think I went through every emotion in the book too. I was really upset about having to do this, but I had to. And it almost became a situatin where I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Because he tried verything to get me to drop it and not make him sign it, but I couldnt do that, and towards the end I really started getting mad cuz at first I let the fact that he's my friend cloud my thinking, and I was going to go soft, but then I realized what he was doing, trying to get out of the agreement he had made with Lori, the only difference was that it was now in writing. And I started to get mad at him. Why wouldnt he just sign it? Let's end this. Why was he putting me in this situation he kept saying he was sorry that I had to be in the middle but not sorry enough to sign the paper and end it. So I know that I told him to "Sign the f*$?in' paper a couple of times and I dont just say that word. It has to be pretty bad to when I resort to that kind of language. I still feel guilty when I say that word, like mom can sense whenever I say it, and will slap me again. Anyway, it's all over now. I got him to sign it, and I'm am done. I feel empty inside right now. Like it literally made me sick. I was downing the Pepto afterwards. So Lori called me and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink with her and Juan and Gloria. I was like hells yeah! She went out with Brandi tonight, I was supposed to be there, too, but I just cant. I am just worn out. This weekend had literally drained me of all my energy. But the worst part is that Matthew is so far away. I need a hug so badly. I miss him so much. It would have been so much easier if I had him to come home to. Instead I am sitting in an empty house. Which is why Lori wanted me to go out with them tonight, but if I drank I dont have anyone to come get me. Thats Matt's job. So this weekend I will have to go to the Miss Hawiian Tropic thing and Club O since I ddnt go tonight. We are sponsoring it again. But I still have to work tomorrow and I dont this weekend, so its better. And I can crash at Lori's if I want to. After today, I dont have anything to worry about. Except that I might not get to go to Vegas now. Stupid Ralph, had to ruin my birthday, too. this is the first one I have looked forward to in a long time, and now it might not happen. Oh, well. Whats one more birthday all alone.

Ok, so I am finally posting. I have been busy with work, as always. I am up to my eyeballs at the spa. I have to take Matthew to the airport tomorrow morning. I am not doing too bad, just because I know it is going to go by SO fast. I cannot even relieve it is already Friday! It seems like just yesterday we were out at the lake! Plus I have so much to look forward to. I have Vegas on the 14th and then after that Matt gets home and them mom and dad get here, so actually I feel like this whole summer is going by fast. I got some good pictures at the lake. We are going to go again when Matt gets back from his trip, before mom and dad get here. Plus I have so much cleaning and stuff to do before they get here, and the yard needs some MAJOR work. They are supposed to be painting the fences and decks in our housing area, but it has been raining. I think they got like one good day of work in and that has been it. Oh, well. As long as I dont have to do it, fine. Well, Matt is done packing so I need to go spend some time with him.

I just saw grandpa. It has been awhile since he has appeared in my dreams. We were all at church. Everyone. And it was the first time they were able to bring Callie. And we were all outside taking turns holding her. It was a beautiful day. Grandma and Aunt Judy and Nicole and a couple of other people were in this sitting room, that doesnt really exsist in the church but in my dream it was right there so we brought Callie inside and I was holding her and there was a couch, and a couple chairs and a love seat in this sitting room. And Like I said Grandma was there and she was in the chair, and someone was on the couch with Aun t Judy and Nicole was standing, and somone was on the loveseat next to them was Grandpa. I could see him but no one else could, of course. No one else does. But it is so different when he is there in my dreams. For one, I am not ever actually IN my own dreams. Usually I am someone else in my dream, I just "know" that I am me. And no one ever looks at me. People never make eye c ontact with me in my dreams. ever. But he looked right at me. In my eyes. It felt so real. I could feel him. And So he stood up and I handed him the baby. And everyone's eyes got huge and their mouths dropped open. They couldnt see him, but they saw him holding Callie. He looked at me and I just said, "Now they know." And I kept reapeating that. Now they know. Then my stupid rude neighbors were loud and woke me up. So just like that he was gone again. I think that is what made me cry. I wwasnt ready for him to leave again, and thoose buttheads woke me up and I lost him again. Who knows when he will come back. It has been a long time since I have seen him.

i just cant really phathom, how his dreams are SOOO very different from my everyday dreams. They are so real and the feelings... And his face. . I miss that face.

Mayor Shirley did not bring the cashews up WITH her but listen on Monday, she's gonna be on and she'll tell everyone what she DID bring. We're still getting the cashews, cuz like ehs said, A deal is a deal. But she couldnt bring them on the plane. Second, it was a big party that the Aces thrw for the city. It was free. So you could meet the players, and touch the Kelly up. It has been 26 years since Anchorage has had a championship team so it was a big deal. There were a lot of people. But Matt and I have a little in. Several actually. Mike Lee (he's on the team) is the cousin of Carlos (Lee) who I work with at the store. Carlos is in Ralph's music group. (He'ss the red and Black one if you have seen the cover. if not click on The Zhinin at the right) Mike Scott's girlfriend is best friends with Brandi, who I work with at the spa. AND Bob and Lori are friends so I met him through her.

P.. I'm working on the pictures!

We just had the BEST night EVER. We got to spend the evening with the Aces. They did a presentation at the Sullivan Arena, and it was AWESOME. I got to meet the Big Rig, Cam Keith! and Matt got to meet Mike Scott. Well, we got to meet almost all of them. And Jack michaels and Bob signed my sweatshirt. It was so awesome. And they let us hold the Kelly Cup and take pictures and stuff. I posted a few here. i will put the rest on Kodak tomorrow, since I want to put captions and names and stuff, so that will be up sometime tomorrow. Sorry, Manda, thats where i was when you called, so i didnt hear my phone ring! Anyway, GO ACES!!!!!!

"The Ultimate Tailgater" 

Start of the parade. Bob's car with Coach Payne. Second car is McCambridge with the Kelly Cup. 

Matthew and Mike Scott. They have the same smirk. Awww, how cute! 

Me and Cam Keith. He said I was sweet. (swoon) 

Me and BOOMER 

We got to hold the... 

KELLY CUP!!!!!! 

All in a days work... 

L.A. Style on the Bob and Mark Show doing a male Brazilian Wax. Enjoy.

http://www.bobandmarksuck.com/blog/?m=20060522

Alright so boo to me for not blogging recently. After a nice unplanned trip home it is back to buisness as usual and since I have been gone I have a lot to catch up on. But it is all good. We are bustin ass and takin names. No more games goin on, I am back and recharged and not puttin up with people any more. And unfortunately for Melissa (Karen's apprentice) cuz I am NOT puttin up with anyone's bullshit anymore. So she picked the arong time to be droppin the n word about one of my best and dearest friends. Personal or not, this is dead serious buisness, and that kind of talk wont occur in my salon. Hell no! Whether you make a racist, sexist, anti- reliogous, agist remark I DONT CARE get the HELL out of my salon. For real. She got into some argument with Ralph about tips, cuz we arent paying them out in cash anymore, they are getting paid in their paycheck for tax reasons, but she doesnt get a pay check cuz she ispaying us to work there instead of going to school to finish up her hour requirements. So Ralph told her she couldnt have cash and she hung up the phone and said " This is why I dont work for n****rs" And this was overheard by three other employees. So I kicked her out. Contract or no contract i adhere to a strict zero tolerence policy. And Karen threw a hissy fit and told her to come back, and gave her a slap on the wrist and pretty much said dont do it again. Now wait a minute, who runs this store? I dont remember it being you. And I do believe Lori told me to handle it and i belkieve I had already done that. So now there is a HUGE rift between me, Amber (who also heard this statement and was VERY upset by it since her grandfather is black) and Karen because of this slap on the wrist thing. It would have been fine if she would have just left the store but no, we have to have drama. Bull shit. Get out of my store.

Rest in Peace baby Joey

I know that you were hurting, and I hope we did what was right. Jackie misses you so much. But I know that you are better now. There will never be another like you, with your little goatee. We loved you so much, but your heart was too big for this world. Rest in Peace little baby. You're home now.

We love you and we miss you. 

Dedicated to a little school house. All it taught me. All it gave me. And its memory that will always live in me.

This Used To Be My Playground

(originally from the movie "A League Of Their Own", andappearing on the "Barcelona Gold" album)written by Madonna and Shep PettiboneTrack 6, Time: 5:06 (short version), 6:03 (long version)-
------------------------
Chorus (first time without background vocals):
This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end

And why do they always say
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask

(Long and movie versions only:)
(chorus)
Live and learn
Well the years they flew
And we never knew
We were foolish then
We would never tire
And that little fire
Is still alive in me
It will never go away
Can't say goodbye to yesterday [can't say goodbye]

(chorus)
No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]
Those are words
I'll never say [I'll never say]

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

(Short and movie versions only:)
This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

(Movie version only:)
This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our great escape
This used to be the place we ran to
This used to be our secret hiding place
This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me

The Break-Up. "Every new begining is some other begining's end" 

Since the Break-Up is official (its capitalized since it is a catistrophic event in my life) the air in the store is different. Almost like a mourning. Thats how I feel anyway. Because I am mourning. I know nothing else but Ralph and Lori and now there is no "and", so its hard for me. Like they are breaking up with me. I have spoken with both of them. They are each handling it in their own way. Ralph has gone into seclusion and Lori flew to Vegas for a few days. Some have said that was irresponsible of her to leave when this transition is taking place, but I cant blame her. News this big will fly through this town's beauty industry like wild fire. Hair dressers love a good story and love drama even more. But there is no drama. They broke up. Its not any of anyones buisness why. They just did. But people wont care. They will say what they want to no matter how hurtful. I've already heard it. And this just happened on Saturday. People saying he was after her money and shit like that. It hurts to think that people really think that about him. I made sure to let him know that as far as L.A. Style was concerned, he resigned and thats all we have to say. We are not involved in the personal stuff so we will not comment on the personal stuff. I will protect him, and her, as much as I can. I know how he really feels about her, and the store, about me, and that is all I care about and it is for those reasons that I will not feed the fire with any details that people may twist into slander. It is the least I can do, for both of them.

I know that he had to do what he had to do, and I understand that. When your personal life and your professional life get so intertwined together, when one doesnt work out, the other one cant continue. I know this. But that is also why I am mad at him, and both of them. Because now I get shoved into something that I dont think I am ready to take on. Her store lies in my hands. Solely in my hands. Ralph isnt my crutch anymore. But how dare you abandone me? How dare you! I have never known anything other than them. And for that I mourn.

Alright, so I realize that it hads been a long time since I have blogged, and I apologize, sort of. But I havent realt felt like it. Everything is going good. I just got back from Seattle. Had a nice time. Not really exciting to report. BUT I do have some exciting news. In a couple of weeks, I have a meeting with the VP of Pureology! Well, not just me, Jackie and Brandi and of ourse Lori will be there, but OMG, Pureology! This is like the mothership coming to visit. Awesome! ut right now I have to go grocery shopping so I thought i would let you know I was still around.

My new car 

I have taken the plunge and bought a new car. A Saturn Vue. I really like it. Matt is out right now with someone who wants to test drive the Blazer. Hopefully we can see that POS. I did love it though. It was my car. My first car that was actually mine. I'm gonna miss it, but it is so nice to have a new car. I just want to go out and drive. Doesmt matter where to. just drive. It has a sun roof too. Cool huh? I drove home from Wasilla yesterday with it open. I could today too. I'm glad that it is nice so I could enjoy my new purchase. I'll post pics later. I have to keep cleaning now. Just thought you would like to know what I have been up to!

How many good-byes does it take before your heart stops breaking?
How many times do you watch someone you care for walk out of your life, before you learn to quit watching?
How many tears do you cry, before you cant cry anymore?
How many memories does it take to help you forget?
How many promises get broken before you stop believing?
How many times do you ask yourself "why", before you stop wondering?
How many times do you endure pain, before it stops hurting?
Never.
It will always break.
You will always watch.
You will always cry.
You will always believe.
You will always wonder.
And You will Allways Hurt.

So I have really been enjoying VH 1's "I love Toys" series. It is fun to see all those toys that you may have forgotten about. Tonight I actually laughed out loud cuz I tuned in late ( I have the DVR set to record all 5 episodes on Fridayand they were talking about Tinker Toys. And I honestly have not even THOUGHT about Tinker Toys in YEARS. And Lew ALWAYS wanted to play woith the Tinker Toys at Grandma's. Sometimes I would actually WANT to play and sometimes I HAD to. But he always wanted to. And I laughed because they said that the only kids that WANTED to play with Tinker Toys, and actually built things (Like cars, Lew) with them were the kids who grew up to be engineers. And everyone else just made a square. And I laughed, and laughed cuz Lew would have these great creations and I would put sticks all around in one of the wheels and call it a smowflake or a flower or something. Now he's working at Rolls Royce and I run a hair salon.

Who would have thought Tinker Toys could help predict the future?

I've decided to get up early and go see the dogs start tomorrow. With or with out Matt. He wants to stay out all night, on the first night we both have off in a week, thats fine. Whatever. I will be by myself. I dont NEED him to be with me, I would just LIKE him to be with me once and awhile. I even called him from work today to tell him that I missed him and that i loved him, and he STILL goes and plays pool with Marcus. He sees him everyday, he hasnt seen me, at least not awake since Sunday. I called him at the hockey game and asked him if he was going to go play pool, cuz if he was then I wasnt going to stay up for him, and I told him that I was having a shitty day. "No, I think we are going to TGI Fridays." Oh, ok. so to me he just told me that he WASNT going to go play pool and so I waited up for him. He pulls up, comes inside and says he is going to go play pool. And wants to know why I am mad. "Is this part of your crappy day?" Yes, you butt head, it is part of my crappy day and you just put the cherry on top of the shit pile that has been the last couple of days, so thanks. Thanks for making me cry the tears I have been doing so well at holding back. That fucker is the only one who can make me cry (and i mean real tears, not sappy commercial fake tears).. And he always finds that way to do it.

My day with Isaac 

And the cat food 

He loved the cat toys 

PLayin with the kitties 

It was a long day 

My happy boy 

We were worn out 

Wow, I guess it has been awhile since I've blogged. Too busy I guess. Had some DRAMA at the spa. People stealing. People being fired. Lori being hurt. Ralph being pissed. Emily picking up the pieces. Same ol' deal. Mom and dad are ooked and set to come up in August. so that gives me some thng to look forward to. I really needed something. I would look forward to my trips but i never know when those are. I just know I need to get away from that store for a few days. I have the Northwest show at the end of March, so I know we'll be going to that one. And then we ahve the West oast show n April. And the TMS confrence in May and Cosmoprof in Vegas in late June earlt July... So I have those to look forward to. And L.A. is in there somewhere. I am getting some cabin fever like no one's buisness right now, so I need out. Could be that I am getting burnt out too. either way a few days in Seattle will help. Hitssome clubs, do some shopping, and go to the show. Thats what I need. Now Lori just needs to come back and we can get out of here!

I guess I have been pretty lazy about blogging lately. Not so much lazy as nothing really new and exciting has happened. I'm actuallt getting a bit bored. Cabin fever maybe. It has been really nice this past week. In the thirties. It was nice to see the sun again. We did the bridal fair on Sunday. That was ok. YThere werent a lot of people, but it was a good test run for the Women's show in a month. They had a chocolate fountain. That was cool. You can rent a four teired fountain for $400. But it looks cool. And I also sampled some pretty awful cake. I know that I am spoiled, but COME ON! there was on place that had that nasty frosting thicker than the cake. Yuck. I tell you what mom could bank major cash up here for her cakes, given the competition and the prices they charge for crap. One lady was trying to sell me this cake size, and I'm thinkin, "You dont have any idea who you are talkin to." Dont tell me this $40 cake will only serve 25 people when I know I can get at least 36 pieces out of it. Stop tryin to over charge me, I'm not even interested in cake, I just wanted to try the chocolate fountain! Anyway, that is pretty much it. I am now a certified Pureologist for Pureology. Malu and I took an education seminar on the products, which I could have taught myself. I should just look into becoming an educator, but I dont have a license so I cant. Well, I could, but it would be harder for me to compete with licensed stylists. And it is for reasons such as that, that I should just appentice and get my license, just for creditials. I just dont want to take the boards and risk Mitch failing me and purpose. I know Lori wants me to do it. She wants me to be able to do make up applications and waxings legally, b ut I really dont want to take the test. I dont want to learn how to do roller set, and the proper way to roll a perm. I dont care, I dont want to DO hair, I just want people to see that I know what I'm talking about. Cuz I do. I do know but they always ask, "Atre you a stylist?" I have to ethically say no, and there goes some of my credibility. And dont think I havent thought about saying yes. SAometime s I want to just be like, "Yeah, I used tobut now I am more involved in the buisness part." But I cant bring myself to do it. But you know what, when it comes to hare care, I sometimes know MORE than stylists. Especially about Pureology which brings me full circle to why I should be an educator.

Tara and Isaac. He's such a goober! 

It's been 20 years since Alaskans have felt its rumble or the grit of its ash, but Augustine Volcano has roared back to life, erupting three times in the past three days.
 

It sure does look cool though 

After 10 days of relative calm, Alaska's Augustine Volcano erupted twice Friday, three times Saturday and once on both Sunday and Monday. Here, a view of the volcano on Jan. 24, 2006. The photo looks toward Augustine's south flank, located in south-central Alaska about 175 miles southwest of Anchorage. The volcano, 4,134 feet tall, poses a hazard to Anchorage and the trans-Pacific air traffic around it.
 

Well, it was only a matter of time and it has finally happened. The winds have shifted and the ash is headed our way. It should be here tomorrow. And OF COURSE ythe damned volcano HAD to erupt twice this morning, so it is going to make it all the way up here. They are saying not much will be left when it does get here but come on, even a little is too much. Stupid Augustine.



.

I hate January. Its so gloomy and miserable and friggin' cold! I have NO energy. I feel like a blob of jello. I am so lifeless. It is currently -11 degrees. Yep -11. Thiks thats bad? Our low will be -19. Tomorrow we MIGHT see a high of 0, yes thats 0. The HIGH! No wonder no one wants to leave their house! BUT on the bright side, by Tuesday it will be in the 20's. After this week that gonna feel down right tropical.

So one of the girls lost the gate keys to the store today. I have been on the phone with everyone trying to hunt them down. Ashley keeps calling cuz she cant leave the store with the gate unsecured, and Danae (the one with the keys) wont answer the phone. Ralph is pissed at them so he wont go down there, and I sgree with him. This is their mess. Why? Because Ashley has a key to the gate, for this VERY reason. So should anything haooen to the key, she would be able to secure the gate. Well, Ashley didnt feel it necessary to bring her key because she didnt drive today. So what!? You have a key for reasons just like this! And where is the key to our store? Hello? Out where anyone could take it? That is a MAJOR liability. So She is calling me, "What should I do?" Get some one to bring you your key. Ralph isnt going to come down there and I dont have a gate key, you have the spare. I suggest, you best be findin a way to get it to the store. Yeah, she wasnt happy. So she calls her aunt to bring it down, and she has to go let her in the mall cuz the doors are locked at 9. So she goes to meet her aunt, cuz Juan the computer guy is in the store, and she looks and the keys are hanging in the damn gate lock. Can you believe that? In the gate lock. Now if she had her key they would have noticed that an hour before when they started calling me. I mean, are you serious?

Alright, to add to my plate of things I feel I must do this second, Tara has guilted me into going to WW meetings with her cuz she doesnt want to be alone anymore. So we made this WONDERFUL ( slight hint of disdain) decision to lose wieght together, and she is making me go through with it. Damn her. So she calls me tonight and wants me to go with her cuz tonight was her first meeting. I'm a bit scepticle only because I have tried this twice before. But whatever to break this plateu of laziness I have buried myself into. I was doing so good and then I got lazy. big surprise. But On the other hand I would like to look nice when I go back home for Sarah's wedding.

ON a not so much lighter, but different note, Matt says that there is rumor going around that they are going to demolish the housing that we live in and they are transplanting us into the new housing they are building. I dont want to move again. And definately NOT into a BRAND NEW COMPLEX WITH TWO CATS! They are going to be so anal about those new houses, I dont want to deal with that! BUt as of now it is still a rumor. SO we will see what happens. Matt is talking about moving back off base into a town house so we can go back to pocketing some of our houseing money. I dont really want to leave base, but the extra money would be nice... We'll see if they are really kicking us out or not. I'll keep you updated. Well, I should go to bed. I was gonna try to wait for Matt but he just HAS to work out after work so he'll be another hour or so. big poop head.

So I kinda used Amanda's advice and tweaked it a little. I had to make a list of what the girls' strengths and weakness are and then assign them responsibilities according to my list. So instead Amanda gave me a better idea. I started out by making a list entitled "Things Emily does but SHOULDNT do" and I wrote everything done that I should be having the girls do. Then I divided the store into sections and assigned the girls each a section. And they are responsible for those things and the "Emily" list for their area. For example. Making sure there are label clips in place and correct, their area is clean, signs are posted, low stock is monitored and taken care of, shelves are stocked, etc. And then at each quarter they will switch so no one is stuck in one area.
I believe it to be a good plan. And it will work as long as we are constistant, and guess what we will be because no I dont have anything else to do, but stand over their shoulder and make sure they are monitoring their areas. I am so excited. I cant wait for this to start producing results. I'll show them that I can do this! I'll show them that I can be an effective, productive manager without being a bitch. I was told you cant be a successful manager by being nice, and I just dont agree with that. I know I can do this without being harsh. I will be if I have to be, but I dont believe I have to be.

i have no idea what I am doing. No one in their right mind would let me go back to school. And let me tell you this GMAT stuff sucks monkey balls. I guess I need to think this trough a little more.

Today is going to be a rough day. Smith leaves today for Salt Lake. His term up here is finished. MAtthew is not doing well with it. I'm not really doing well with it. Smitty is downstairs asleep on the couch. I am going to let him sleep a little longer. More so that I can prepare myself, then to let him get more rest. You just dont realize how much someone means to you until you have to say good bye to them. Add on top of that the fact that he means so much to my husband, makes this doubly hard for me. I just want to get this over with, but it is too early to wake him and too early to leave for work. At least there I can keep myself busy and not think about it. I should have waited to do my makeup at work. Oh well, too late now.

I got my evaluatiuon yesterday. It didnt go well. I was disappointed. And a little upset. In my eyes, I am doing so much and that should be praised. In lori's eyes, I am STILL not delegating and doing too much and not anything of the stuff I SHOULD be doing. I can see her point. But she has to understand mine. It got kinda heated. SHe was mad and I was mad and Ralph was kinda stuck in the middle of these fuming females. But we are going to meet in the middle. In a month we are going to come back together and evaluate each other. I will delegate more tasks to my employees and I wuill not be so soft on them, and she will give more direction in where I need to step it up and where I'm doing a good job. So I'll keep ya posted. I should go wake Smitty.

Woo hoo. I am so drunk. Heehee. This is the first time since I left IA City that I have gone out with just the girls to a bar and got hammered. I had SO much fun. I need to lrt loose and have fun more often. I miss going out and having fun. I have been so wrapped up in work that I dont do this any more. I am about 3 tequila shots passed drunk. Tomorrow is gonna be a PAINFUL day at work. WEoohoo. But it was SO worth it.

So I figured I should prolly update. Since it has been a while.

Joey is leukimia free so he and Jackie can be around each other. Yay. So they have free reign of the house. I am so glad that they get along. And Joey is giving Jackie a workout! So is trying to keep up with him, which is good. She needs the exercise.

Everyone up here is flipping out cuz St. Augestine is errupting. There isnt supposed to be too much ashfall up here, but you know they have to make it a big deal. We do need to get a tarp for MAtt's car cuz the ash can scratch the paint. And everyone is out buying air filters so there are none to be found up here and the ones they do have have been marked up. Bastards. Hopefully it wont be too bad. I guess I'm gonna get to experience it all up here!

Work is work. I'm officially at the spa 1 day a week now. Fridays. Boo. I lost my two days off in a row. Bastards. So now for those of you who care I am at the salon Suns & Mon 9:30-6ish Tuesdays off salon on Wed 1-9 and Thurs 9:30-6ish and Friday at the spa. It's not permanent, or so I'm told. I would like to have my days off together, but oh well.

Really that is all. Back to the hum drum of my life. But I need to go. I want to take a bath and go hand out with Matt.