Beautifully Broken
Ashlee Simpson
It seems like yesterday
that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday
I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow
I may not get by

But I will try
I will try

Wipe the tears from my eyes
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

Everyday is a new day
I'm reminded of the past
Every time there's another storm
I know that it won't last

Every moment I'm filled with hope cause
I got another chance
But I will try
I will try

Got nothing
Left to hide
Without the highs and the lows
Where would we go
Where would we go

I was afraid of what today was going to bring. I tried and tried to convince myself that it was just another day, no big deal. But I couldnt force myself to believe it. But in the end I came home smiling and feeling loved. I talked to Amanda for a while. And Lew. And Matthew. And mom and dad, and they all sang to me, each in their own way. And that would have been enough for me. But Tara called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over. I hadnt told her it was my birthday (part of the "just another day" philosophy) but when I got there I told her so she made me pot stickers and noodles and we had a waxing party. And she mentioned it to her grandma and grandpa that it was my birthday so they stopped by Baskin Robbins on their way home from Costco and got me a little ice cream cake. Which made me cry. It was so sweet of them, and I couldnt get over it since mom had just said a few hours earlier that she was going to get me an ice cream cake but didnt know who to call.

My birthday showed me how much I am loved. Sometimes you forget how important it is to surround yourself with people who are worth your time. I know in the last week I have lost a lot, but right now it doesnt even matter to me. I have so much more than I could have ever needed. I just forgot about that. Yes, I had a good job and i got a peek into a world that I may never see again, but it isnt a world that I need. I know my world is the people who love me. My family, who stands behind me to catch me when I fall, and Matthew,who doesnt care what I do as long as we are together, and Tara who has been my angel through all of this. So in the end I had a happy birthday, because for the fist time in a week, I am breathing normally, and i feel calm, and safe. Yes, I had my life ripped out from under me, but my foundation didnt let me fall.

So thank you, to all of you for keeping me up. And never letting me fall.

This is the lonliest birthday ever. I made myself a litle cake. I put in candles. I blew them out while I himmed Happy Birthday in my head. And then I cried. I promised my mom and Matt that I would do something. I told them I was just gonna sleep through it and get it over with as fast as I could. I guess the new year of my life can only go up from this point, right? But I promised them. They are lucky I did too cuz I was serious about the sleeping thing. What are the stages of mourning again? Whatever they are I am to the crying stage. I think that comes after the denial stage. Yep, no denying this, this birthday sucks. Is it possible to suck and blow at the same time? If it is thats Emily's 24th year on this earth.

You know it seems like I just really cant be by myself for very long. I need the social contact. I need someone to talk to to. I hav4e called mom so many times, and Amanda and i talked for close to an hour yesterday. And I talkired to Lew for a while too. I am just bored. BUT today, instead of boredom eating I spent 45 on the eliptical and yesterday I wotked out in the back yard. Matt needs to hurry up and come home. I am running out of things to distract myself. I still have the upstairs to clean, but I will be done with that by the end of the wem off to Vegas, so there is five days out of the way. NAd then I guess I just have to make it till Saturday. So I suppose its not that bad, but still... I need to keep myself from like going and getting something peirced or something. Yes, I am that bored. I miss my husband. This sucks. I dont know how people do thi for months at a time. I guess they dont really have a choice. Oh, well. Only 12 days left. I can do this!

Sunset last night. 

It was beautiful 

Today had to have been the single most emotionally draining day of my life. I really thought it was Saturday, but this was worse. Today I had to tie up the loose ends with Ralph. For those of you who dont know, I had to fire Ralph on Saturday. The same day Matthew left for Korea. So I thought that was bad, but today I had to get him to sign this no compete argeement and he wouldnt sign it. I talked with him for AT LEAST and hour before I got him to sign it. I mean he tried everything. He played every card, the friendship, the blame, the anger, the hurt. He threw everyone just to not have to sign that agreement. But I stood firm. I didnt back down. I told him if it were a different situation, and he was in my shoes he wouldnt back down either, he would do what Lori wanted, so why did he think I would cave? Because I havent shown him that side of me before. I think I went through every emotion in the book too. I was really upset about having to do this, but I had to. And it almost became a situatin where I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Because he tried verything to get me to drop it and not make him sign it, but I couldnt do that, and towards the end I really started getting mad cuz at first I let the fact that he's my friend cloud my thinking, and I was going to go soft, but then I realized what he was doing, trying to get out of the agreement he had made with Lori, the only difference was that it was now in writing. And I started to get mad at him. Why wouldnt he just sign it? Let's end this. Why was he putting me in this situation he kept saying he was sorry that I had to be in the middle but not sorry enough to sign the paper and end it. So I know that I told him to "Sign the f*$?in' paper a couple of times and I dont just say that word. It has to be pretty bad to when I resort to that kind of language. I still feel guilty when I say that word, like mom can sense whenever I say it, and will slap me again. Anyway, it's all over now. I got him to sign it, and I'm am done. I feel empty inside right now. Like it literally made me sick. I was downing the Pepto afterwards. So Lori called me and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink with her and Juan and Gloria. I was like hells yeah! She went out with Brandi tonight, I was supposed to be there, too, but I just cant. I am just worn out. This weekend had literally drained me of all my energy. But the worst part is that Matthew is so far away. I need a hug so badly. I miss him so much. It would have been so much easier if I had him to come home to. Instead I am sitting in an empty house. Which is why Lori wanted me to go out with them tonight, but if I drank I dont have anyone to come get me. Thats Matt's job. So this weekend I will have to go to the Miss Hawiian Tropic thing and Club O since I ddnt go tonight. We are sponsoring it again. But I still have to work tomorrow and I dont this weekend, so its better. And I can crash at Lori's if I want to. After today, I dont have anything to worry about. Except that I might not get to go to Vegas now. Stupid Ralph, had to ruin my birthday, too. this is the first one I have looked forward to in a long time, and now it might not happen. Oh, well. Whats one more birthday all alone.

Ok, so I am finally posting. I have been busy with work, as always. I am up to my eyeballs at the spa. I have to take Matthew to the airport tomorrow morning. I am not doing too bad, just because I know it is going to go by SO fast. I cannot even relieve it is already Friday! It seems like just yesterday we were out at the lake! Plus I have so much to look forward to. I have Vegas on the 14th and then after that Matt gets home and them mom and dad get here, so actually I feel like this whole summer is going by fast. I got some good pictures at the lake. We are going to go again when Matt gets back from his trip, before mom and dad get here. Plus I have so much cleaning and stuff to do before they get here, and the yard needs some MAJOR work. They are supposed to be painting the fences and decks in our housing area, but it has been raining. I think they got like one good day of work in and that has been it. Oh, well. As long as I dont have to do it, fine. Well, Matt is done packing so I need to go spend some time with him.

I just saw grandpa. It has been awhile since he has appeared in my dreams. We were all at church. Everyone. And it was the first time they were able to bring Callie. And we were all outside taking turns holding her. It was a beautiful day. Grandma and Aunt Judy and Nicole and a couple of other people were in this sitting room, that doesnt really exsist in the church but in my dream it was right there so we brought Callie inside and I was holding her and there was a couch, and a couple chairs and a love seat in this sitting room. And Like I said Grandma was there and she was in the chair, and someone was on the couch with Aun t Judy and Nicole was standing, and somone was on the loveseat next to them was Grandpa. I could see him but no one else could, of course. No one else does. But it is so different when he is there in my dreams. For one, I am not ever actually IN my own dreams. Usually I am someone else in my dream, I just "know" that I am me. And no one ever looks at me. People never make eye c ontact with me in my dreams. ever. But he looked right at me. In my eyes. It felt so real. I could feel him. And So he stood up and I handed him the baby. And everyone's eyes got huge and their mouths dropped open. They couldnt see him, but they saw him holding Callie. He looked at me and I just said, "Now they know." And I kept reapeating that. Now they know. Then my stupid rude neighbors were loud and woke me up. So just like that he was gone again. I think that is what made me cry. I wwasnt ready for him to leave again, and thoose buttheads woke me up and I lost him again. Who knows when he will come back. It has been a long time since I have seen him.

i just cant really phathom, how his dreams are SOOO very different from my everyday dreams. They are so real and the feelings... And his face. . I miss that face.

Mayor Shirley did not bring the cashews up WITH her but listen on Monday, she's gonna be on and she'll tell everyone what she DID bring. We're still getting the cashews, cuz like ehs said, A deal is a deal. But she couldnt bring them on the plane. Second, it was a big party that the Aces thrw for the city. It was free. So you could meet the players, and touch the Kelly up. It has been 26 years since Anchorage has had a championship team so it was a big deal. There were a lot of people. But Matt and I have a little in. Several actually. Mike Lee (he's on the team) is the cousin of Carlos (Lee) who I work with at the store. Carlos is in Ralph's music group. (He'ss the red and Black one if you have seen the cover. if not click on The Zhinin at the right) Mike Scott's girlfriend is best friends with Brandi, who I work with at the spa. AND Bob and Lori are friends so I met him through her.

P.. I'm working on the pictures!

We just had the BEST night EVER. We got to spend the evening with the Aces. They did a presentation at the Sullivan Arena, and it was AWESOME. I got to meet the Big Rig, Cam Keith! and Matt got to meet Mike Scott. Well, we got to meet almost all of them. And Jack michaels and Bob signed my sweatshirt. It was so awesome. And they let us hold the Kelly Cup and take pictures and stuff. I posted a few here. i will put the rest on Kodak tomorrow, since I want to put captions and names and stuff, so that will be up sometime tomorrow. Sorry, Manda, thats where i was when you called, so i didnt hear my phone ring! Anyway, GO ACES!!!!!!

"The Ultimate Tailgater" 

Start of the parade. Bob's car with Coach Payne. Second car is McCambridge with the Kelly Cup. 

Matthew and Mike Scott. They have the same smirk. Awww, how cute! 

Me and Cam Keith. He said I was sweet. (swoon) 

Me and BOOMER 

We got to hold the... 

KELLY CUP!!!!!! 

All in a days work... 

L.A. Style on the Bob and Mark Show doing a male Brazilian Wax. Enjoy.

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