alaskansweetheart

70 Pounds: A Look Back in Order to Move Forward

2010-11-03T17:47:00.010-08:00

I have been working on this post for awhile in my head, but I am really just not sure what I want to say, so I decided to start typing and the words would come.

I will start here, I have been overweight my entire life. Well, maybe I was ok before the second grade, but after that it was all down hill. It never really effected me in a social way, I guess. I was (and am) pretty outgoing. I don't remember anyone ever teasing me (to my face anyway). I went to a private school through the 8th grade and we were a pretty close knit group of girls, so I know that helped. That group of girls really shaped my perception of myself in a positive way. I never felt left out or ostracized for my weight. I did that to myself. To this day, I am friends with most of the girls from grade school. High school was a different story. We moved into the public school system and things changed. I still had my core group of friends, but I could feel the judgements that go along with High School and the pressures to 'fit in' and be 'perfect'. I wish I could go back and tell my Freshman Self that all those 'perfect' girls have self image issues,too. I remember getting my learners' permit when I was 14. I lied about about my weight, because I didn't want my permit to say that I weighed 212 lbs. I remember the number as clearly as if it was yesterday. And I also lied about my weight when I was 16. I don't have a clue what I was at at that point but the fake number was 220, so more than that. At 16. Still, I never felt badly about myself. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with MS that I began to feel like something was wrong with me. Not because i was heavy, but because I was sick. My senior year of high school brought me Matthew. He saved me in more ways than one. He accepted me and loved me despite everything... He never saw the weight, he saw me. Even now when we were looking at older pictures to put in this post, he said to me "Baby, I don't remember you being that big. I just didn't see it." All he knew was that I wasn't happy. To say that, at 286 lbs, I was not happy was an understatement.

Things started to fall apart around 2006. A bad string of things happened, and I just kept falling deeper and deeper. The farther I fell, the more I ate. I tried to eat away the things that happened. I tried to hide behind the food, but when the food was gone, the problems were still there. I would eat more because I felt so bad about eating. It was a cycle I couldn't pull myself out of. It started effecting every aspect of my life. I was tired all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. I pulled away from Matthew because I was so disgusted with myself. How could he love me? How could he find me attractive? When he would tell me that he did, I would laugh and tell him that he didn't. How many times could I argue with him before he would stop telling me that... I cant give you an EXACT number of times, but it took about 9 years....

I had hit rock bottom in almost every aspect of my life. My one shining star throughout all of the darkness was Hayden. I knew that I had to make a change. For him. For my marriage, but more than those things, for myself. I knew I couldn't continue on like I had been, but I didn't know where to start. And like a sign for the heavens, I got an email from my sister, offering to buy me a BodyBugg. It was my start, it was the catalyst I needed to begin a change I so desprately wanted (and needed!) We all have that moment when we make the conscious, and finite decision to change our lives, and this was my moment. I knew that if I took her up on her offer then I would make it work, and in those moments, in the beginning, when I had given up before, I remembered how much money she had spent to help me, and I kept on going.

With my BodyBugg program, I was able to track all my calories: in and out. I bought a stationary bike and worked out in my basement and I started walking. I started making better choices. I cooked meals instead of eating out. I cut out pop, candy and mindless munching. When I eat, I eat with a purpose as fuel for my body. Soon I started losing weight. 37 weeks after I started my BodyBugg program, I have lost 73 pounds. I am so close to crossing over into the 100s which is a place I haven't been in more than a decade, and that is saying something when you are only 28.

Here are some things I have learned along the way:

You don't have to hate exercise. There are SO MANY different ways to get up and move, there IS one out there that you will enjoy. Try walking, biking, dancing, swimming, tennis, ping pong... the key is to get up and MOVE. Nothing will change if you just keep doing the exact same thing. If you don't like one thing, try something new. You may be surprised at what you enjoy. I NEVER thought I would be a runner, but I recently finished my third 5K race and am looking forward to 2011 because it will be my Year of Racing.

Logging your Food makes ALL the difference! Don't try to guess your portions. We live in a land of Super Sizing (our food and our waistlines). When I first started, I logged EVERYTHING I ate, even gum. As the months went on, I became lazy about logging my food and the scale slowed to a crawl. I wasn't losing what I wanted to, but I was exercising more. It all comes down to food. Keep your food log!

Your body will do what you tell it to, even if you don't think you can. Sometimes it is sheer will that keeps us going. Our body isn't the one in control of you. You control your body. Even when you think you can't run one more minute or do one more rep... you can, and you will if you tell your body to do it! Believe that you can. Your body is an amazing thing if you take care of it.

Listen to your body too! On the opposite side of the coin, your body will tell you when it is enough. Don't push it so far that you hurt yourself. If you are used to walking, and you want to push it and start running, start slow. This applies to all aspects of the journey.

Small changes over time are more effective. Starting small and easing into the lifestyle changes you want to make, will be more likely to stick than changing everything at once and becoming overwhelmed. Start small like just adding more water, or adding 10 minutes of exercise. Build on those small changes and make a foundation for good health.

Don't be afraid of slip ups, Be afraid of quitting. The only failure occurs when you stop trying. Don't berate yourself because you had a cookie (or 4). It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Don't give up, just learn from it, and move forward. Why did you eat the cookie? Were you bored? Stressed? Examine the trigger so that next time you can be more prepared to resist giving in.

You don't have to give up your favorite foods. Simply enjoy a little less of it. I could easily sit down and eat 5 pieces of taco pizza and a carton of Hagen Daas Coffee ice cream for supper and not bat an eye, but are 5 pieces really better than one? Nope, cuz there is guilt attached to 5. I will still have the occasional slice of pizza, but I find that I enjoy it more now, because it is a special treat, than simply something I stuffed down my throat.

Calories should be spent wisely. Use them like money. Is that food worth spending 300 of my calories on it? Not usually. By asking myself this question, I have found that while I eat LESS food now, the quality is so much higher! If I am going to use my calories on something, i want it to be worth it! I would much rather spend 400 calories on a piece of Maple glazed salmon, grilled zucchini kabobs and garlic red skin potatoes than on a single piece of taco pizza. And guess what, sometimes that piece of cheesecake IS worth the extra workout you have to do!

Its all about starting. You don't have to be first. You don't have to be perfect. The important thing is that you are out there DOING it. You are out there moving. It is the same philosophy that I apply to my races. I am not the fastest runner. I may have to crawl across the finish line, but I WILL finish. My time isn't important. I like to know it, but whether its a personal best or my slowest time, it doesn't matter to me. It is about being out there, running for me. Pushing myself farther than I thought I could go. It is about taking that first step and starting on your journey. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to lose the weight the fastest. You just have to keep going. Go farther than you think you can go. Push your preset boundries and see how how you can go. You may be surprised at what you can do.

I hope that by sharing the things I have learned, you can take a moment to reflect on your own journey to good health. Look at the differences (no matter how small they may appear to be) in yourself from the beginning of your journey to now... those small differences will begin to add up and start forming the new, healthier you. Use those lessons and work towards your goals! Sometimes we have to pause to reflect and reevaluate. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that Food Logs work, Water is an invaluable tool, and trying something new WON'T kill us (unless your something new is skydiving w/o a parachute [which I DO NOT endorse]).

Did losing 70 pounds fix all my problems? Not by a long shot, but in order to get to the root of my eating, I had to take an HONEST look at why I was using food to hide my feelings. I have had to learn to love myself, respect myself, and know that I am worth all of the sweat, sore muscles, and tears. I am not 100% there yet, but I am a work in progress. I can appreciate my strength, and admit my weaknesses. I have found healthier ways to deal with my stress (Hello, Zumba!) and I was forced to examine the real problems in my marriage. I have never felt better. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. My marriage is better than it has been in the last 10 years that we have been together. Did losing 70 pounds do all of that? No. Weight loss isn't the magic bullet that makes all of your problems disappear, but I believe that when you start putting in real, honest effort in improving your health, it forces you to confront the other things in your life as well, and in doing that, you can heal the wounds, fix the problems and move forward as a happier person. At least, that is what I have experienced. Every one's journey is different. I had to admit that I didn't think that I was worthy of love. I had to face those demons, reopen those wounds and figure out WHY I felt this way about myself. It was hard, to say the least, but I did it. Some days those feelings return, but I am more capable of dealing with those raw emotions now. I find that if I deal with the emotions and not try to bury them in a pint of ice cream, then I feel better about myself. Don't look for weight loss to be your magic bullet, but use the process to examine what it is the brought you to this point and where you want to go from here.

My hope is that I will shed the last 40 lbs. I want to become stronger runner. I want to do a Half Marathon. I want to pass on healthy habits and attitudes to my son. I have an amazing little boy and I want to be around to see the fantastic things that he is going to do in his life.

Milestones...postponed?

2010-09-11T14:02:00.005-08:00

Why is it that every time I am close to reaching a new milestone, I find someway to ruin it? This week I had the potential to cross over into the teens, weight-wise, to reach 65 lbs lost and to drop into the 30% range on BMI. I am doubting that any of those things will happen this week. I don't feel like I got in any quality work outs. I mean I am sore from lifting, but as far as true aerobic workouts...I just don't feel that I had a good week. I know it is ok to have a low impact week, but I didn't really want it to happen this week. My leg still hurts (though I discovered that an elliptical doesn't bother it ((too Little too late on that discovery)) and I told Matthew that I would put i the effort to take it easy and let it heal before I threw myself back into serious workouts. Of course, I forgot about the importance of this week when I made that agreement.

Today I Looked in the Mirror...

2010-09-06T16:33:00.002-08:00

and saw how far I still have to go.

Some days are good days, and I see the work I have put in, and the results that I have already gotten from that hard work. Today was a bad day, and I can only see the long road ahead of me. These are the days when I can't see anything but Fat Girl. These are the days I struggle and I wonder if this is worth it... If I'm worth it... I question my resolve and sometimes the carton of cookies that I passed up in the store is more appealing than the treadmill or the weights, and its a fight. I know this will never be easy. I know that it will become easi-ER but it will never be easy, not for me. I also know that KNOWING that it won't be easy is a major weapon on my side of this fight.

Today I Looked in the Mirror

2010-08-28T07:13:00.002-08:00

.... and I looked strong. I am starting to look like an athlete. Today is my first 5K. It is just the first step.

Today I Looked in the Mirror...

2010-08-27T05:40:00.001-08:00

...and HONESTLY thought I looked thin(ner). It wasn't a positive thought I was just telling myself because I WANTED to believe it. I saw my reflection and I saw the miles that I have walked, the weights I have lifted, the good fuel I have eaten, the cookies I have passed up... I was a good start to the day.

The Day Before Race Day

2010-08-27T05:13:00.002-08:00

Who would've thought I would be nerve about doing the Eager Beaver? LOL. It makes me giggle. All those years I thought "Why would anyone get up and do that? For fun?" :) I did the route yesterday to be prepared. I was trying to decide where I would feel comfortable running and where I was going to walk. I have no intention of running the whole thing, but I will run part of it. I am going to rely on Vickie to keep me going on pace. My walking tends to slow down after I run a section so I will need her to push me, but I know she needs me too. But I was in no hurry yesterday and I walked it in about 45 minutes so at least I know I will be done in about 45 minutes. I don't know why I am so nervous. Vickie and I routinely walk 3-4 miles 5-6 times a week, so its nothing out of my comfort zone, except that it is timed, I suppose. When we walk its just us and now there will be lots of people there, but I think it is more the timed aspect than anything. Today is a rest and relaxation day. I am not going to the Y unless I feel like sitting in the Hot Tub, or Steam room or something. I walked yesterday, and I went and worked arms with Matthew last night so i am all set to force myself to take today off. My challenge today will be not feeling guilty about not exercising because if I feel guilty enough I will go and do it anyway and sabotage myself for tomorrow.

Fight of the Fat Girl

2010-08-26T08:38:00.003-08:00

It seems that my longest and hardest battle of this journey is not going to be with food, or with exercise, but with the Fat Girl. When I look in the mirror, she is all I can see. I don't see this new person unless it is a picture that was taken. It is the opposite of what it used to be when I was big. I would look at myself and not see that Fat Girl, unless it was in a picture. Irony at its best, right? For a long time, I couldn't see where I had let myself go, but now it is all I CAN see. I wish I could see through her and see where I have come. Sometimes, I can see it. Like when I put on a tee shirt that used to be too small, and now fits. Or my over sized sweatshirts are actually oversized and comfy, instead of just 'fits'.

It is the battle inside my head that seems to be the hardest part for me. I don't have a problem with the working out anymore, because now I enjoy it, and I feel like I am missing something when I don't work out. The food is easier now, yes, I slip up, but its easier to not hold it against myself like I did. I can accept that I will slip up and I can just resolve to do better, and I do because I WANT to. When it comes to the Fat Girl Brain Battle...I seem to be struggling. Sometimes she comes back out and I cant control it. She makes me revert back to those feelings of being not good enough. She convinces me that I don't deserve this, and that I can't be loved at any size. I know that she has been in control for awhile now, because it has been having an effect on my relationship with Matthew again. I just have had such a hard time lately believing that he isn't just biding his time with me until he finds something better. You would think that 10 years together would convince me otherwise, but I don't think there is much logic in the Fat Girl's Battle tactics. I need better Battle Tactics. I am fighting to believe that I do deserve my life. I deserve to be happy in my life. I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. Why doesn't she want me to be happy with that? Why cant she just realize that all of the doubt and fear and negative feelings are her own doing? Why can't I just realize that it is my own doing? And why cant I realize that if I can do that damage, i can also fix it?

Today I looked in the mirror

2010-08-26T06:57:00.002-08:00

and I saw progress. I saw a smaller tummy, thinner legs. I saw a glimpse of what I am becoming, and it felt good.

Why, yes, I am a chicken...

2010-08-13T12:07:00.003-08:00

Ok, so I didn't go to swim class again last night. I tried. i had my bag with my suit. I brought clothes and underwear to change into afterwards. I had every intention of going. I stood in the changing room, frozen for about 20 minutes. Trying desperately to make myself go. To make myself change into my suit and just GO! 20 minutes and a few almost tears later, i chickened out and put on my gym clothes and hit the treadmills instead. I don't know what I am afraid of. The unknown I guess. i don't want to look foolish because I don't know where to go, or what to do. So I chickened out and walked instead. But as punishment for skipping yet another class, i made myself run. And would you believe it? I LIKED it. I have had the urge to run for awhile now, but I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't. I did 2 miles. i was feeling pretty good. I am a little sore today, which i don't mind, I just cant get over the fact that I actually LIKED running. I used to wonder why on earth you would run for fun, but I can see why now. i have known for awhile now that there was a runner buried deep down in me, under all this extra weight, and she is finally starting to break free. I will start slow. But I really want to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February, but I don't know if I will be ready for it by 2011, so I want to definitely do it in 2012. I just kind of hope I am not knocked up by then, which is a possibility... anyway, I just I am transitioning myself into becoming a runner. i am kind of excited about that idea. I would have NEVER thought of myself as a runner. I need to get a good brace for my knee cuz that is the only thing I can see standing between me and 16 miles. I am not afraid of the work it will take cuz it will help me on my fitness journey. I don't want my physical limitations keep me from doing everything I want to do! Anyway, the DPHM benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I can think of no better way to give my support to my Mom and Uncle Dan, and honor my Grandpa than by completing this challenge. By improving my life, my health, it is like I respect their lives enough not to continue wasting my own, which is what I have been doing. So in chickening out, I have found something so much more than I even knew to look for. WHO SAYS THINGS DON'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

It has been awhile...

2010-08-12T06:05:00.003-08:00

...Since my last post. I have had a major milestone since then. Last Sunday I hit 60 pounds lost. For some reason, unknown to me, this resonates more deeply with me then the 50 pound mark did. I don't know why, but I am not going to argue either. I took Amanda's advice, when I felt like I had hit the wall, and changed things up. She told me the most important thing you can do when you feel stuck is to change up your routine, cuz it has, in fact, become routine. So that is what I have done. I have started lifting more, not as much as I probably should, but it is a start. Matthew and I have joined the Y because they have some great weight machines, and some classes that I would like to take like water aerobics and Zumba. I have yet to bring myself to go to the water aerobics class because I have 'first day of school' jitters. So hopefully, today, I will get past that and go to class. I just feel like the new kid, going into an established class... in a swimming suit.... Its like a bad dream. BUT the point is that EVERYONE is in a swimming suit and we are all there to exercise.

I am still not keeping track of my food like I should be. I want to put a bit more effort into doing that again. That is my new goal. Again. :) I still have yet to take my bike out cuz it has been so effing hot. I am a bit disappointed with that, but since I cant control the weather, I will wait until it cools off a bit. Until then, I need to come up with some sort of Y schedule. I don't like pawning Hayden off on Mom and Dad all the time, but I am not ready to leave him at the Y Play center. I know that I will have to eventually because Mom will not always be available to watch him, but I hate leaving him with strangers. I feel like I am abandoning him to be selfish, and while that may not be the truth, it is the truth in my head and that is all that matters.

Other than those things, nothing is really different. I have been pretty bummed about it being too hot to walk, lately. This heat is just annoying me! I have been tossing around the idea of walking the Eager Beaver in a couple weeks. Of course I am going to have to wak up early and that doesnt really appeal to me so much, but I thought it might be something I could do. Vickie says its only like 3 miles or something like that and we regularly do that distance anyway so I have been thinking about that. i supopose I need to make a decision rather quickly on that front.

I went to the doctor yesterday cuz I havent beenable to get over this sinus crap, and I didnt dread getting weighed in! That was, I believe, was a first! My BP was 116/70 which was VERY exciting! I don't remeber the last time my BP was 'normal.' So it was actually a good trip to the doctor. I dont have those very often. Mom was very excited for me. She told me that I probably saved myself from diabetes, and I know that she is right. I know that, and probably much worse, was in my near future. I dont have to fear going to the doctor anymore cuz I am too embarassed of my health.

So i guess I will try to be a little better about my updates, but until next time, here's to steps forward, major milestones, and (hopefully) overcoming fears.

Motivation

2010-07-12T06:13:00.002-08:00

"Sometimes, though, you ask, "Why? Why try my hardest when it ends in disappointment? Why go through something when it's going to hurt? Why?"

Because it's going to be different this time! Because you can't accomplish anything that you give up on. Disappointments and failures happen to everyone. The difference between those who reach their goals and those who don't is staying motivated. If you're motivated, you'll keep going. If you keep going, eventually you'll reach your goal."

New Milestone

2010-07-11T17:43:00.003-08:00

My 3.6 lb lost this week has pushed me past 50 lbs lost. I made a few changes this week that seemed to really help with my wall. I made more of an effort to eat breakfast, which I have not been doing the last couple of months. I know its important, but I am not hungry and I usually don't have time. This week I have just been throwing a bagel flat and my white chocolate peanut butter in my purse and toasting it at work, and eating on my first break. It seems to really be making a difference because by noon I am not famished and snacking on the candy! Vickie and I are also consistently doing at least 3 miles a night, sometimes four. I want to add in some serious strength training too. I know I have been saying that for awhile now, but I know it is something that I need to be doing! It may be this week, or next week, but i will be starting that soon too. This week I will add bike riding to the equation also so hopefully I will have another good week.

I do feel good. Its hard to really revel in my 50 lbs (which seems silly because its 50 POUNDS!!!!) because I have so far yet to go, but come on, its 50 pounds! And right before my birthday... Its bitter sweet, I guess. Why can't I feel better about this? I will. I know why, because I haven't gotten to really appreciate what I have accomplished. I still see that other person when I look in the mirror. The fact that this new person is still wearing, and hiding in, the clothes of that other person doesn't help. But right now I still have the need to hide. I am starting to want to be more... visible, I guess, but I am still hiding, and I know it.

Mom and I went shopping today for my birthday. It was a bit disappointing. I needed denim capris (my first mistake) and I couldn't find any in my new size anywhere. I guess when you are suddenly the same size as a lot of other people, your clothes selection becomes smaller. I did find a pair at Dress Barn (sz 16!) and a REALLY cute top that I will probably wear on my birthday. And I found a couple tops at Old Navy that really were cute, cuz they make my waist look small and my boobs look big so that is a bonus! LOL. I got a couple pairs of new walking pants since Vickie informed me that I REALLY needed to invest in some smaller pants, so I did. There was a REALLY cute pair at JC Penny's that I wanted but they were just a bit too small. I could have gotten them, but they wouldn't have fit for another month or so (maybe less depending on how the changes pay off.) So I guess it wasn't all that disappointing overall, more targeted towards Kohls. Last time we went there I ound all kinds of stuff. It IS the end of the season though, so I shouldn't be all that surprised. I suppose that is how it goes though, sometimes you hit big and sometime you don't find anything. The important thing is that I had a fun day with Mom and Hayden, I have lost 50 pounds, Saturday is my birthday, and I feel really good.

Fat Girl

2010-07-07T12:28:00.007-08:00

I still feel like that fat girl. I have been focusing so much on the issues that got me to where I was, but I have given no thought to where I am trying to go. No thought to how I move past seeing that fat girl in my mirror. I know she is gone, she is disappearing from my body, but not from my eyes. I don't know how to dress this new person. I am still buying baggy clothes, only in smaller sizes. I am pretty sure I could have gone a size smaller than I did, but its like I am scared to. I still have to hide. I am still afraid. Afraid of failing. Its starting to get to me. I think its the reason (or one of the reasons) behind my plateau. I am tiny steps away from a major milestone and its like I am trying to keep myself from reaching it, and that makes me mad at myself for doing it.

I am hoping that getting this bike will be the push I need to get over this hurdle. It is so much more than a bike right now. I know it probably sounds silly to you. Here is why:

I have had so many things taken from me that I had no control over and for a very long time I thought that riding a bike was one of them. To someone who doesn't, and hopefully will never, have to involuntarily give something like that up, it may seem like such a small, silly thing, but to me it is not. It is representative of the things that I will never be able to do again. Things I enjoyed doing, like rolling blading, for example. I don't have a sense of balance. I guess more accurately a very poor sense of balance. I struggle everyday to keep my own body under control. I have troubles with my right leg when I get tired. It is very apparent when I am out walking and we are getting towards the end of the three miles. My right leg... I have to concentrate to lift it up high enough that I don't trip. So these small things are not all that small to me, but they are things that a 'normal' person doesn't have to think twice about because they don't have trouble making sure their foot leaves the ground enough that they don't trip, and I am glad that people don't have to deal with it. So still being able to ride a bike...it means that I still have some control over my body. I can still do the things I like to do. I do have control over my body, even when I feel like I don't, and I think this extends beyond my MS into my weight loss efforts too. I do have control over my body, my choices and my weight. I have to stop being afraid of it. Stop being afraid of failure. Stop being afraid of losing things that I cant control and start owning the things I CAN control.

Ok, this article really helped me feel better

2010-07-06T11:42:00.002-08:00

4 Reasons Diets Fail
By Joy Bauer, M.S., R.D., C.D.N.

So many of the weight loss clients I've worked with one-on-one in my New York City practice admit to being professional dieters. They've tried every weight loss plan, scheme, and promise under the sun and failed miserably over and over again. And 9 times out of 10, their attempts flop because of one--or some combination--of the four reasons I discuss below. That being said, awareness is key and if you know what mistakes to watch out for, you're already a step ahead of the pack. Here's what you need to know--and can do--to immediately boost your chance of long-term success.

Reason #1: You're not fully committed.

I always tell clients at our first session together: Weight loss is at least 50 percent attitude. If you're not truly ready to make a full-time commitment to losing weight, chances of long-term success are pretty slim. That's because when efforts are half-hearted from the get-go, people typically lose interest in their diet soon after they start. The sad truth is, it's not really worth starting a weight loss program if your head isn't in the game.

How to Prevail:

My best advice is to do some serious soul-searching and identify a significant and enduring source of personal motivation for finally shedding the extra weight. Maybe it's to better manage health conditions... or to be around for your kids and grandkids... or to finally feel more comfortable in your own skin and boost your energy level.
The bottom line is that this motivation has to come from within YOU. Then, strengthen your resolve and recharge your motivation every single day with positive self talk and daily or weekly goals. I think long term goals are terrific, but short term goals can be even more powerful because they reinforce success every step of the way.

Reason #2: You expect miracles.

Individuals who launch a new diet with unreasonable expectations regarding how much weight they're going to lose each week--or who have an unrealistic goal weight in mind--are signing themselves up for trouble. If you can't match your desired pace of weight loss, you'll more than likely end up terribly disappointed and quickly jump ship.

How to Prevail:

Though you'll probably see a dramatic drop on the scale during the first few weeks on a new diet, most people eventually average out at a loss of one to three pounds per week for the duration of their plan. And if they do shed pounds more quickly than that--say, by fasting for long stretches of time--they're more likely to gain the weight back... and then some.
I know television shows and infomercial success stories lead you to believe that you can melt off fat in a matter of weeks, but the truth is, successful weight loss is a slow and steady process. If you can accept this fact and buckle down for the long haul, you will ultimately be handsomely rewarded with better health, a smashing figure, and newfound confidence.

Reason #3: Your plan isn't sustainable.

If you're following an extreme weight loss plan that doesn't even slightly resemble "normal" eating, there's a good chance your efforts won't last. And, in my opinion, subsisting entirely on shakes, smoothies, cookies, or tonics isn't normal eating. When you view a diet as a short-term deviation from your typical eating habits, rather than a long-term lifestyle change, you will almost certainly have a hard time maintaining your weight loss.

How to Prevail:

A diet should be based on appropriate amounts of healthy foods that keep you feeling satisfied and energized--not cranky and deprived. Most importantly, a diet should be viewed as a launching pad for a long-term lifestyle change. That's because to lose weight and keep it off forever, you really will have to permanently change your eating habits. With that in mind, it's important to choose an eating plan that you can easily transition into lifetime maintenance.
And while I can appreciate how provocative some of these quick-fix, restrictive diet plans can be, they truly are a set-up for failure and yo-yo dieting. Without fail, every restrictive plan has a calorific binge waiting right around the corner. Not the way to go for long term success. Instead, a food plan you can stick with for life is key.

Reason #4: You can't forgive your slip-ups.

This is an incredibly common diet pitfall. When people inevitably give into temptation and subsequently "fall of the wagon" for one meal or one day, they tell themselves they've blown their diet and throw in the towel for good. To be successful, you have to learn to overcome these temporary setbacks. You can't let one binge or one "off day" turn into a full week, or month, of splurging. Unfortunately, it can be incredibly difficult for some individuals to break this cycle of negative thinking.

How to Prevail:

Don't dwell on your mistakes. Instead, shake it off and get right back on track at your very next meal... or the very next day. And always remember, nobody gains weight from one rich dinner or a single slice of cake. The real trouble starts when you allow that one "splurge" to snowball into an all-out eating frenzy. Take it one meal at a time and learn to forgive yourself; every dieter has slip-ups, but the successful ones know how to keep those occasional lapses contained.

2010-07-06T07:53:00.002-08:00

I feel like I have hit a wall. I still have this burning desire to march forward, but I don't know how to get past this wall. I feel like I am ever trudging onward but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. For the past month, I have kind of just been stagnant. I haven't gained anything, I am losing 1 or 2 pounds a week, which is fine, but not how I want to be going. I am trying to push myself a little harder, but I cant get past this sweet tooth that has re-emerged. And the thing is, sweets give me a stomach ache now, but I cant stop myself from eating them. Sabotage. Self-induced. Its a battle with myself. am still winning, just barely. Small victories are still victories, at least that is what I am telling myself anyway.

Taking control

2010-06-22T08:28:00.002-08:00

This week I have taken a huge step forward and I have taken a bit more control in my life. I did something that I was scared to do, but I was tired of hiding from what I perceived the problem to be. It is not something that I want to get into except to say it has been something that I have been worrying about for quite a few weeks now. It is something that I think was really throwing off my focus. The stress caused was fueling my sweet tooth. I had fallen off the Bugg wagon so to say in that I wasn't keeping track of my food. I haven't been drinking my water, and my results were starting to show it. At this point I would have given up. I would have given in the the problem. I would have tried to eat it away. Shoved all the stress and hurt down with food and then hope that the problem would just disappear. Instead, on Monday, I faced it head on and confronted it. I put the wheels in motion for resolution instead of hiding behind an ice cream sandwich or something. I realized that no matter how much I eat, eventually the food will be gone, but the problem will still be there. No matter how much I eat, the food would disappear, but the stress and the hurt wouldn't. How is that for growth? I am pretty darn proud of myself. I have hopped back on the wagon. I am drinking my water and logging my food. Now if the stupid rain would stop so I could go walk, I would be able to look for this to be a pretty good week. Why cant it rain during the day while I am at work and then clear up at night? Why does it have to be the other way around? It is really starting to piss me off! Vickie said i could come with her to her gym and use the treadmills there. I may take her up on it. I just wish I could afford my own treadmill. Matthew says Sears had some nice ones for under $1000. So maybe I will start there. Why do they have to be so expensive?

I looked in the mirror today...

2010-06-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

and thought "I look pretty today."

2010-06-07T07:54:00.003-08:00

I have past 40 pounds since February. I am at 41.4 I believe, or it could be .6 I don't really remember as it was the 40 lbs that caught my eye. It seems like a large number. And I am really starting to be able to see it in myself. Like I said in a past post, I hadn't really been able to see what people were complimenting me on, but I graciously accepted the compliments (a large achievement for me!) because if people were noticing then I must be doing something right! But I can see it now. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my arms, my hips... If I flex, you can see my muscles. Matthew says that he can see a difference. I think that when my arms get smaller, they will be impressive! I feel so much better about me. I am really starting to feel a pride in what I am doing. But I am still having trouble getting back on my food log wagon. I need to start logging what I eat again! I know that I do, but its like I am trying to find a reason, an excuse, for failing. Again. If I have something to blame my failure on, other than myself, then I have a scapegoat. But I don't want to have a a scapegoat. I don't want to fail! There is just a mental block in the way that I cant break down. I have to stop saying "can't", I CAN break it down but I have to figure out why I WON'T break through it. Because its easier not to. I'm tired of easy. I want to put in the work, because it is more likely to stick, and last because I worked so hard to achieve it!

Am I Worth This? (Pt 4)

2010-06-03T17:27:00.004-08:00

Failure. Is that what I am afraid of? Short answer is yes. I am terrified of failure. I don't think that the things I do are up to the level that I believe they should be. I constantly compare myself to other people, believing that this is the only way i can know how I stack up. And, in my eyes, I never do. Its not good enough. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I would compare myself to my friends. What did they have that I didn't have? I compared myself to my sister. I was never smart enough to compete with her. I remember she was ranked first in her class or something academic like that and mom and dad got her a card and told her how proud they were of her. I don't even remember exactly what it said but something about me and Lew feeling pressure to live up to her standards. It could have said something entirely different than that, but all I know is that is what I retained in my head. To me, at that time, it could have just said "Suck it, Emily. You aren't good enough."

Call it middle child syndrome, Inferiority Complex, whatever you call it, I don't see myself as being good enough. I don't think I am worthy of Matthew. When he started working out and got all big and buff, I was embarrassed to go places with him, because I looked the way I did, and he looked so good. He put so much work into his body, and I did nothing. I could see the judgement in people's eyes (real or not) that asked "why is he with her?" And I ask myself that to this day. In the back of my mind I still have that nagging thought that he will find someone prettier than me. Fitter than me. Better than me. Now matter how happy we may appear to the casual observer, I still think that people look at us and wonder how he could be with me.

I don't look at myself and believe that I deserve to have the things that I want. So when I ask the question "Am I worth this?" I cant answer it yes. I want to, with my being, but I cant. I cant truthfully anyway. I want to believe it, I do. It goes back to the cycle I am trying to break, because it is something that I want, but as I said, I don't really believe I deserve the things that I want. This is the cycle that I am trying to break.

I need to stop saying that I "can't" do something. I CAN, I KNOW that I can, its that I won't. Am I trying to sabotage myself? Its a good possibility, but I am aware of it now. I can see that is what I am doing, where before I didn't care enough to look. That is growth. That is progress. As long as I keep moving forward and fighting against the internal forces that are continually trying to convince me to give up, trying to convince me that I am not good enough, or worth this effort that I am putting forth, then most of the battle is won. The hard part about this now, is what I am trying to do here, examining inward, and opening painful wounds in order to finally allow them to heal. I know there will be battle scars but they will eventually become markers of where I have been and how far I have come, and to the place I don't ever want to return.

2010-06-03T16:16:00.003-08:00

I have fallen off the food log wagon, and it is showing. I lost only a pound last week and I know it is because I am not drinking enough water and because I am not tracking what I eat. I haven't been walking as much so I am not hitting my burn. I am messing up. I know that the important part is not that I have slacked off, its that I get back on track. I haven't jumped back on yet. I don't know what is stopping me. I guess I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff with Matthew and it is hard to deal with both. I know that's a cop out. And its a weak, stupid reason for slacking, but its the one I seem to be using. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I want to admit that yeah I'm going through some shit, but that doesn't mean that I cant deal with my problems and take care of myself! I should be strong enough to be able to do that! I AM strong enough to do that. I owe it to myself to take care of me. I owe it to myself. I should respect myself at least that much. So then why is it so hard? Why do I always try to give up? I don't want to. I don't want to give up. I am so afraid to fail. And there's the truth rearing its ugly head. I am afraid to fail, so if I quit before I can fail, then I have the power. But quitting is the only true way to fail in this journey. As long as I keep going forward, yes there will be setbacks, like this week, but as long as I push on how can I see that as a failure?

Am I Worth This? (Pt 3)

2010-05-31T12:46:00.003-08:00

Ok, this may be the one that you don't want to read. It is not going to be graphic or anything, but if you don't want to be confronted with the truth that Matthew and I have sex then you need to know that I am going to go in that direction. It is time for me to sort through that aspect of my downward spiral.

So I am in the midst of this cycle of eating and feeling bad about myself. I cant really even be honest with me about what i am doing to myself... How can I possibly be honest with what I am doing to Matthew? Please understand that I love my husband more than my own life, but how can I think that means very much when I treat my body (and in doing so, my own life) with such disrespect? If there is one person in this world who truly accepted my for who I am, no matter my size, it was, and still is, Matthew. I know that he wants me to be healthy, and he wants me to be happy, and he knows that I am neither of those things. It was only until recently that he has really expressed any desire for me to lose weight, and that was only because he knew that I wanted to and he would support me no matter what. This isn't the problem.

The problem lies with me. If I couldn't love myself, how was I to expect that anyone else could love me? If I was disgusted by how I looked, how could he not be? So when he told me that I was pretty or sexy...I didn't believe that he meant it. I flat out didn't believe him. So I would laugh when he said it, or would brush it off as nonsense. It hurts me to think about what that was doing to him. I mean if every time I said something, the person I loved basically called me a liar, I would just stop saying it. And so he did. There was a wall between us that my insecurities and self hatred built up. Last month, on our 10th anniversary, the wall that I constructed, that I had built brick by self hating brick pushed him away. He said it wasn't me, and that he needed a break...but I knew. I knew what I had done. I let my weight come between me and the one person who never cared what I looked like. I know that I have been going through this transformation for a couple months by that point, but it was all outward. I didn't dare take the risk to open the floodgates and examine the deeper wounds...

That is why I have started this series, to examine those things that have brought me to the lowest place of my life. I thought he was going to leave. I had pushed him away one too many times. I didn't blame him, but I also wasn't going to give up without a fight. So here I am trying to find out why I am so convinced that no one could possibly love me. The logical part of my brain knows that that is not true, but logic didn't get me to 286 pounds. There I said it. Out loud. Now you know. 14 pounds shy of 300. That is where all this self loathing has gotten me. To a point where I didn't want my husband to touch me. To touch this disgusting body. I would cringe. Cringe when my husband would touch me. How did I expect a marriage to survive that? It wasn't. It wasn't surviving, it was barely even a marriage. We were roommates. Roommates who had a kid together. I wasn't happy and I guess I was hellbent on making sure no one else was either.

I am happy to report that a month later, we are doing much better, because I feel better about myself. I am proud of the work I have done so far. And it isn't even that I look better... to be honest, I don't really even see it yet. I look in the mirror and I still see the same person I always saw. But it is the way I FEEL. When I push on and do 3 miles instead of just 2. When I am satified with a piece of salmon and some asparagus instead of cheesey pasta and 3 brownies, one after supper and two more when no one was looking. These are things that I am proud of. And though I can't stand in front of the mirror and look myself in the eye and say "I am happy." or "You ARE beautiful." or "I am SO worth this!" I can say "I am happier." or "I feel better" or "Yes, I can do this" and those are huge steps forward, and tiny steps away from the others.

I am ok with Matthew touching me. I have even learned to let go of my insecurities and enjoy it again. I know he is still leery that I will push him away again and patch up the wall, but I am tearing that down brick by confident brick, because I don't need to protect myself from him. I never needed to, I only THOUGHT I did. What I needed protection from was myself. So I am going to tear down this wall, bask in the figurative calories burned while I do it, I am going to grab on to his hand and hold on with all I am and take him along with me on this journey. I know he will pick me up when I fall. I know he will celebrate my victories, and he will help me to see that my setbacks aren't so bad after all. He will push me when I want to give up and he will love me even when I cant find the strength to love myself. And in the end, he will be there to show me that I was worth it all along. I just needed to see what he sees.

Maybe I am starting to.

Am I Worth This? (Pt 2)

2010-05-28T08:39:00.007-08:00

So I left off with control. I went back and read a little bit of what I wrote and I found it interesting. I think that is the beauty of free writing, you just start writing, not really knowing where the topic will take you and eventually the truth will find its way out. I made a comment about not feeling like I have control over my life, and that comment surprised me. I don't really remember writing that. Anyway, the truth of it struck me. Somehow, during this journey, I want to find the power to take control of my life. I am so ruled by my emotions! Usually, its ok because my feelings about things are usually correct.

This self hatred that I have developed is leading to other even less desirable feelings that i have not experienced before. Jealousy for example. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I sure as hell am now. I hate that too, but I do not have the confidence in myself to trust that my husband wont leave me for someone prettier than me. That people have the shoes I want to be able to wear or the haircut that I cant pull off and I am jealous, and I hate the way that makes me feel. The logical side of my brain tells me to be happy with what I have, and longing after the things you cant have will not make me feel any better about myself. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Its that vicious cycle again. When I can buy that pair of shoes that I LOVE and not have to worry about them not coming in wide-width, that will be a glorious day for me and a detrimental one to my bank account! I want to look at myself with pride. I want to look at me and think, you look good. You did that. For you. And after 37 lbs lost I am starting to say that to myself. "You look good today." or "Hey, that picture is pretty good." Instead of "None of my clothes fit right" or "God, I look huge in that picture." Its a nice change.

I am hoping that I get to a point when I can be happy because of the work I am putting in. I want to feel proud of myself, and the changes I have made. I am starting to feel better. I feel good physically, better than I have in a long time. I feel more attractive which has made a difference between Matthew and I, which is a separate post which may be TMI for you so I will post a warning first. Not really detailed or anything but I imagine you don't really want to think about our private life, but it is a major issue and I will need to work through it just like everything else and like I said before this is more for me than it is for you. Anyhoo, I am hoping that there will come a day when I can truly say, "Yes, I am worth all of this work. I am worth loving. I am worth respect." And the only person I need to hear me say that, and believe me when I do, is me. I want to be able to say those things to me and I want to know that they are true. I'm not there yet.

Am I Worth This? (Pt 1)

2010-05-27T08:37:00.006-08:00

This is a post that I have been going through in my brain for awhile now. It is going to be painful and it is going to take awhile to get it all out. There will be things that may surprise you and may not. I don't know. No offense, but I don't really care. This one isn't for you, its for me. Its for me to get this out of my head. I guess I could go to a shrink, but Blogger is free. There will be parts to this. I don't know if I will wait to publish it until I am done, going back and adding things along the way, or if I will publish it in parts entitled "Am I Worth This" which is the front runner at the moment. So I guess we'll call this Part 1. Its about what I think has brought me to this point. Subsequent entries will explore certain aspects in depth, but this is my jumping off point.

It isn't like I have never dieted before. And I have gotten some results, but never lasting. I have never been thin, maybe when I was a kid. I wish I knew what my BL "Trigger" was, but I haven't found it. Or maybe I don't want to admit to myself that it was a constant feeling of inadequacy. There is an Inadequate Personality Disorder that I am going to be doing some looking into, but I digress. I don't believe that it was any one's treatment of me that made me feel this way. Though I know there is one person who feels that she needs to carry that guilt, no matter what I may say. I never really knew my place. My siblings are both very intelligent, and I never felt like I could compare with that. I know now that if I hadn't limited my myself in thinking that I wasn't as smart as them than I would have seen that by doing that I prevented myself from reaching my true potential. I also think that I limited myself to being the fat, funny friend because that is where I thought I belonged. There was a time, I can remember it, when i felt pretty. And then I got sick. And I wasn't anymore, in my eyes. Now I was defective in a new way, a way that I had no control of. But isn't it funny how I have been able to cope with this invisible disease, this force over which I have no control, but it is the thing that I can actually DO something about that i allow to make me a victim? So It is this feeling that I can never be good enough that keeps me trapped in a body that I have come to hate. I shouldn't hate this body, its my only one, but look at how I have treated it! I am trying to find the strength to believe that I am more than what I have pigeon holed myself into. I know I could be more, but I don't really believe it yet, because I just have never known anything other than this:

I will pretend I am happy and as long as I can convince other people that I am happy than that means that I am.

That's a lie. It is a lie to myself, it is a lie to everyone around me. it is a lie to my family. I haven't been happy for a long time. And it has taken its toll on everything around me. Especially my marriage, but I don't want to get into that, cuz there is no reason to at this time. The only true joy I have had in my life had been Hayden. He saved me from the black hole that I was falling into. I will explore my Mommy feelings and that black hole more in depth, but for now I will just touch on it because I am getting bit off track from where I was wanting to go.

I have been developing and festering this growing self hatred for a long time. And as I got more unhappy with myself, I gained more weight, which made me feel even worse. It was a classic downward spiral into a hole I didn't know how to get out of. I don't remember ever feeling this badly about myself. I was always ok. Never good, but ok enough that I could function. I didn't think that I was pretty, I didn't FEEL pretty. I had a hard time taking compliments because I didn't believe them to be true, from anyone, including Matthew. How could that not take a toll? I ballooned. More than I had ever done before, and I knew it would just keep going. I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to jump off this run away car but I couldn't get myself to unfasten the belt and jump. Every time I tried something would push me back and I would give up again.

I wont say that in 4 months my self image has changed. Not completely. I have had to do a lot of looking inward. If BL has taught me anything its that there is a reason for being this overweight. Most people are NOT this overweight. And finding the trigger is part of the process. Finding that thing or things, that led you to this place is the only way to keep from going back. So that is what I am trying to do here, is finding my trigger, my reasons. I know that those feelings of not being good enough are definately part of it. Not good enough to take care of, not good enough to be loved, not good enough to be truly happy. Why? Why cant I be healthy? Why cant I be loved, mostly by me? Why cant I be happy? I can be if I allow myself to do so.

A lot of this also seems to be about control. I don't want to be a victim to my weight. I don't want to be a victim of my unhappiness. While I realize that these issues will still be here even when I DO lose the weight, and so this isn't a magic spell that will make me happy, but it is a process in discovering what it is that is preventing me from believing that I deserve everything that I want. I want to find control. I want to have power over my decisions and what I do or do not put into my body, and I don't feel like I have had that kind of control before. I think that is what is so great about the Bugg. It gives me the knowledge to be more aware of what goes into and out of my body, and having that knowledge gives me the power to exercise a bit more or eat a bit less or whatever the case may be.

Ok, That is enough for now. I have so much more to say, but I need time to sort my thoughts.

Milestones

2010-05-24T08:11:00.003-08:00

So I got my 30 pounds last week. We were away from home for the weekend but we brought the scale along. I lost 3 pounds last week and got my 30 lbs lost. This week I lost 5 lbs. and that took me under 250. I debated on whether or not to proclaim that cuz I know y'all can do math and figure my starting weight, which I am pretty ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of my progress, so I dont want to hide how far I have come, and since my plans do not involve ever seeing that numer again, I think its ok. And given the emotional weeks I have been having lately, 8 pounds in two weeks is pretty awesome. I love walking, and it is making a huge difference in making my calorie burn. I can definately tell the days I do not walk, and I get kind of bummed when I dont get to go. It has become my "Me Time". I am doing this for me, otherwise I would have quit by now. That’s the difference this time, I think. When I work out its my time, its for me. Its when I can leave everything else for an hour, or whatever, and its just for me. That’s why I like walking cuz I can get out and I have my iPod on and its just me, for me, about me. Not Matthew, or Hayden, because for every other waking moment I am doing everything for them, because they are my family and that’s what I want to do. But for that hour I get to be selfish, and you know what, I like it! So here is to another new week. A new milestone to reach. And maybe, just maybe, some new pants, too.

Walking

2010-05-06T17:44:00.002-08:00

I have started walking in the evenings. I really like it and it is an easy way to burn calories. We'll see how it goes when it gets hot out, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks to walking I am hitting my calorie burn basically everyday. And I am getting my step target in too, shockingly. I have come a long way. Today, for example, Matthew had class stuff to do at the college so he wasn't here, and Hayden was tired and whiney. So I laid him down and let him chill for a bit, which seemed to help his mood immensely, but instead of using Hayden as an excuse to NOT go walking, we went together. We saw lots of cars and every truck we saw was "Daddy's Truck" The Old Emily would have used that excuse to not do it, but today I was truly disappointed when I thought Hayden's mood would prevent me from going for my walk. This week has been very emotional and stressful so I dont have real high hopes for the scale, but I think that decision makes up for any possible lack in my goal or the scale this week. Which as I previously mentioned I have retracted as an official goal and downgraded it to an added bonus.

2010-05-03T09:47:00.002-08:00

I think that setting goals like 3 pounds in a week, is too much pressure on me. I think it is unnecessary pressure on me. So if I don't make the 3 pounds I will be a bit disappointed but I think it would be ok. I just don't think the best thing to do is to unnecessarily put additional pressure on myself. Or put myself in a position where I could fail at anything additionally. Does that make any sense. I think that the journey I am on right now, this path to discovery shall we say, is not ready for additional pitfalls, especially ones I have created. It is an invitation to become discouraged.

Week 11

2010-05-02T06:29:00.002-08:00

I lost another 2.8 pounds this week. I guess I didn't realize that it had been only 11 weeks. I mean that's not even three months yet! So I am pretty happy about the 27 pounds I have lost. I mean I guess its in perspective now. I thought it was going so slow, but I am really proud of myself right now! I have learned a lot this last 11 weeks. One of the big ones is that it is ok to eat. I can have cake and I can have pizza, but that doesn't mean that I have to eat 5 slices of pizza or 3 pieces of cake. I understand the role of food a lot more. I mean, I always knew that my relationship with food was super screwed up, but now I understand a little better. That stuffing my face full of food isn't going to make me feel better about myself. I know that if I want to spend my calories on a food then I want that food to be worth the calories I spend on it. It makes me appreciate good food that much more. I want to eat the things that are good for my body and not just eat it because I want to stuff my stomach full. I can enjoy eating for the joy of eating good food rather than just hiding behind sub par food. Hiding. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be proud of myself, of what I am doing. For myself, but also for my family. I want Hayden to appreciate good food, healthy food, not just easy food. It is taking a lot of work with him...but I know it will come. He will eat his veggies, he already loves fruit and chicken. We are working on the veggies. And I am also learning that I can be proud of myself. I can accept compliments (though that is still VERY difficult). And there isn't anything wrong with that. I will be a better mommy, I will be a better wife, but first and foremost, I will be a better Me. 11 weeks is not a very long time, but it feels like forever since I started because of everything that I have already accomplished.

Weird Week

2010-04-20T17:12:00.002-08:00

I guess this is a testament to how much food matters. I lost 4 pounds last week. 4 POUNDS! I couldn't even move last week and i lost 4 pounds. Do I find this a bit frustrating? Yes, I do. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about my 4 pounds, but it is a bit frustrating. I mean I work my ass off and I lose 2 pounds. I watch watch I eat, because I know that I won't be able to work out, again I can barely breathe w/o hurting, and I lose 4 pounds. So this week is bit of an experiment. I am going to do the same insane tracking of my food and add in working out (except for tonight) and see what happens. It is that time of the month so that will factor in, but we will see what Sunday brings. Friday and Saturday will be difficult with Hayden's birthday celebrations and the storm that is coming so that will destroy my walking time. Oh well, I will figure it out. One step at a time and I am thriving off of my 4 pounds. It will keep me going for awhile. For now, I am taking tonight off to watch Julie & Julia and having a night to myself. I made a grilled cheese with wheat bread, mozzarella cheese, mushrooms and ham and it was delicious! Yes, food matters.

True setback

2010-04-16T18:29:00.003-08:00

Welp, Sunday should be interesting. I had a true roadblock this week. I hurt my tailbone and I couldn't move for two days. Literally. Couldn't. Move. I am still VERY sore but I tried to be more active today. I can move a bit better, a lot better. The only problem is that I didn't really adjust my intake to accommodate the that that I wasn't moving at all. So it should be interesting. I am trying to make up for it today and I will be pretty busy tomorrow. I have LOTS of cleaning to do so that will burn some calories and I would like to go for a walk since it is supposed to be nice tomorrow. I just have to eat really well tomorrow too and hopefully my deficit will be enough that I drop a couple lbs this week. If not, I cant beat myself up too much cuz really it was just yesterday that was the problem with eating. Wednesday I was in so much pain the thought of food made me ill. Another aspect (TMI ALERT) that I must consider is that I haven't gone #2 since I got hurt. The very thought makes me cringe. I know the situation is similar to right after I had Hayden and I was afraid to go because of the pain, so I didn't. The lesson I learned from that was that the anticipation and the dread leading up to the "event" was much worse then the "event" itself, but that doesn't seem to matter. My brain is afraid so it wont let my body do it. Its frustrating. I could probably drop a couple pounds that way! LOL. So there is a glimmer (glimmer may not be an appropriate description in this case) of hope, but I am holding out for a maintain rather than a gain. If there is a loss I will be surprised and VERY happy. But I am not holding my breath. Stay tuned.

Not so bad

2010-04-11T06:19:00.003-08:00

This week wasnt so bad as the last one. No gain. I lost 2.6 lbs this week and my Body Fat % went down again. So good week in terms of those things, bad week mentally. I have been ahving INTENSE carvings for something, I cant figure out what, and that is the root of the problem. My mental default craving is chocolate, but that isnt what I want. I had a minature Snickers at work, to test if that was my craving, and it SOOOO wasnt. I tried Reese's just to be should (that was my favorite a couple months ago) and it was SOOO sweet, I didnt even enjoy it. That wasnt what I wanted. So since I cant find what I want, I want everything. But I know that I dont REALLY want everything, but that doesnt stop me from trying to find what I am looking for...except I cant find it.

Obsess much?

2010-04-05T13:55:00.004-08:00

Ok, I have been thinking about it, and thinking about it and thinking about it. What, you ask, am I dedicating all this brain energy to? That stupid little pound! And Why? because it was a +1 and not a -1? Who cares? My body fat percentage went down! Why am I obsessing about gaining one little pound? It could have been water, it is that time of the month. It could have been muscle gain. I did A LOT of walking this week which is working different muscles than my bike. It could have been bone density. I started taking my vitamins to supplement my calcium. It could have been any number of good reasons! But I have to worry about it, and worrying about it isn't going to change it. Its not going to turn back the clock and prevent that +1 from being there. It isn't going to take back Sunday or my Sugar Hangover yesterday. All I can do is turn around, see what I did wrong, and then move forward from there. Each day is a new day and a new opportunity to do things better and as long as I do that then I will keep moving forward. No matter what the scale tells me. I know this is a journey. I know it is a LONG journey. I know I am changing along the way. The way I think about my health, and the way I feel about food...those are changing too. And those are the things I should obsess about. The good things, the steps forward, those are the important things, the things that deserve my energy. I need to learn to embrace those positive steps and not scrutinize the small setbacks. Those are the things that would discourage me in the past. The things that would whisper in my ear that I would fail so I might as well give up. I don't want to give up. I don't want to give up on myself. I want to believe that I can be better, that I can live better. That I deserve better than I have been giving to myself. It is ok to put me first sometimes. I was proud of myself last night cuz I didn't cook supper. I told Matthew that I couldn't cut his hair, make supper, and work out so he needed to decide if he wanted a haircut or me to make supper. Not like he was FORCING me to make supper or anything, but I needed to know which was more important cuz I wasn't going to not work out. (He chose the haircut) But the point of that story is to demonstrate how far I have come in such a short amount of time. The old me would have forgone working out in order to make supper and take care of Matthew. Last night I was able to make me the priority. Not that Matthew cares, I mean he wants me to be healthy more than anyone else, for him and for Hayden. It is that kind of growth that I am talking about though. Those kinds of positive changes that should overshadow the +/- of the scale. I knew going into this the first couple of months would be more of a mental battle than I physical one. Sure, eventually, the physical battle will become more important and will take over center stage, but until then, until I get my head in the right spot, the mental challenges of weight loss are the stars of this show.

Bad Week

2010-04-04T05:23:00.002-08:00

I had the wee I have been expecting the past couple weeks. The sucky part is that I thought I was having a good week this week. So this one really stings. I gained a pound, but I lost another % of Body Fat, which is a hallow victory. I know I have to just buckle down and do better this week, but I am so bummed. I really thought I was doing good. I was feeling good. I have at least two pairs of pants that I can take off without unbuttoning them. These things should MEAN something to m, but they don't. Not right now. I wanted the scale to should the results that reflect the way I feel. I got lots of complements this week. People are starting to notice, but it doesn't really mean a whole lot when I gained a pound. I am disappointed in myself, I guess. BUT I am NOT going to let this defeat me! I can't. I have made such progress in the way I think about myself, and the way I think about food... I don't want to slide backwards. I don't. And I know that the only thing that can stop me from doing that is my own desire to keep going forward. This isn't a short term, instant results kind of situation, Emily. It is going to take time and effort and hard work. If it were easy then everyone would be healthy, but it's not, its hard. But everyday is a day to start over. So this week is all about portion sizes, and getting back on track with making my own food and making better food choices. No skipping meals only to overeat later. I will make all my food this week. I will weigh and measure and keep track of EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth. I am going to kick ass next week. I don't care if I hit my burn everyday by just walking, I am still going to work out. I am going to do better this week. I am going to remember that there will always be a stumbling block trying to keep me from my path. I may trip on it, but I will climb over it! Nothing tastes better than a compliment.

Feeling Good

2010-03-30T11:14:00.003-08:00

I started doing a cleanse this week. It is only Tuesday and I am already feeling good. I forgot what a difference it makes! Maybe its because I am closing in a 20 lbs lost, or because the weather is nice...I don't know, but I am feeling good. Energized. That is a good word to describe it. I feel energized. Basically the complete opposite from how I was feeling last week. I count that a notch in the win column. Anything that is an improvement from last week is a welcome change. I was VERY tempted to walk to work today, but I didn't since then I would have to walk home to get my car so I could go pick up Hayden. Maybe tomorrow, though. It is supposed to be nice tomorrow. I can just wear my tennis shoes and then change when I get to work... It is probably something I am going to do this week since it is supposed to be so nice. I wish it weren't supposed to rain on Saturday cuz I wanted to take Hayden to the Egg "Hunt" at the park. I think he would have fun and I thought I would support my old 4-H Alma Mater. Does that term apply in this situation? Now I just want to walk home. HA! See, what I mean? I'm kinda giddy. All because I feel good. Ok, back to the cleanse. I think I may do it for 2 weeks instead of 1 since it has been SO LONG since the last time I did it. I am having to leave the room a lot more since it is making me a tad gassy (unlike one of my coworkers who will pass gas no matter where she is and no matter who is around her!). But I remember that is part of the cleanse process and soon I will be getting rid of more waste, so to say. But I can feel the difference already. I feel lighter. I just keep in mind that it is all to keep me on the path to my goals!

2010-03-26T11:19:00.002-08:00

So I have totally NOT lived up to my goal of weighing and measuring everything I ate this week. That was my goal, but it didn't happen. I just couldn't motivate myself to do much of anything this week. A lot of that has to do with it being my Woman's Week. So Sunday is REALLY NOT going to go well. As long as I didn't gain anything I will be ok. We went to HuHot for supper last night. I did really good. I stuck to LOTS of veggies and tofu with some Krab mixed in and a little rice. I LOVE their Jasmine Rice. I should have just had one plate but I went up for more which I hardly even had any of so I felt guilty for wasting. I wish they let you have to go boxes but I can understand why they don't. So I tried to eat most of the vegetables off that plate and left the rest. I took a cue from Amanda and had a separate bowl for my spinach. I never feel like I get enough spinach cuz it shrinks down so dramatically. It was nice to have a whole bowl full. I think that is my favorite place to go and eat cuz I control exactly what is in my food and I do love my veggies! I am hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised at my weigh in on Sunday, but a part of me thinks that it wouldn't be the best if I do lose some cuz I wouldn't really deserve it. I didn't work for it. I am seriously considering doing a cleanse. I think it would help. I remember when I did it in AK, I felt really good fterwards. There is a good possibility that I will do that in the near future. I want to do a bit of research to see if I want to use the same product I used before or if there is a better one out there. I know Jillian Micheals has a Cleanse product. I think I would trust her to have a good product. We'll see where that decision leads.

Having An Off Week

2010-03-25T06:10:00.005-08:00

I am having an "off week." I cant get myself to work out. I want to be outside in the nice weather and walk, and since it hasn't been nice, I haven't been outside. So I am finding it hard to make myself go downstairs when I really want to be outside. Then these other thoughts creep in my head like, why is it so hard? Am I actually trying to sabotage what I am doing? I wouldn't put it past my brain to try and make me fail in some way. I guess this is my barrier I have to break through. I mean I can always adjust my calorie intake to balance my burn, but I don't want to give into whatever is going on in my head. I want to make this change and I don't want to keep being the thing that stands in my way! I have to find a way. Apparently having the desire isn't enough, at least not for this particular battle. That desire is what is going to ultimately help me over this hurdle, but I have to find what what will make me jump in the first place. I don't want that jumping point to be a bad result on the scale on Sunday. I don't want to wait that long to push through, for one thing. And for another thing, I don't want to HAVE a bad result on the scale. I want to keep moving forward. But I also remind myself that to make a change like this, conquering the mental battles are JUST, if not more, important, at this point in the game, as conquering the physical battles. Unfortunately, the things I know to be true aren't the things that reign supreme in my head. The truth doesn't necessarily mean that it is what sticks in my head, its not the prominent thought, though it should be. One day at a time, right? Just because I have only worked out like once so far this week, doesn't mean that I have failed. It just means that tonight is a new night and I can do more than I have been doing. I am having more difficulty in making my burn, but that shouldn't stop me from trying. I keep saying to myself, it will be better when... or I will do this when... What I really need to say is I am doing this now.

Weigh in Day

2010-03-21T08:17:00.002-08:00

I was a little discouraged this week. I lost 3.2 lbs. I was just thinking that it would be more. I guess I need to make more of an effort to hit my calorie burn. I mean I get close to it and I think that I am ok because of the deficit from what I ate, but apparently I am underestimating something somewhere. I just need to get out in the mornings and do my walk. Then I will have a start on the day so when I am done and home I will know if should go down and workout again. I also have to keep in mind that the goal I set for myself was pretty high. I have to lose at least 3 lbs a week to meet it and they say you should lose more than 2 a week. And I know as I get closer to the 6 month goal it will become harder to drop 3lbs a week. I know that I am not hitting my burn everyday. That is a fact. I thought that I was doing a good job of controlling what I ate, but apparently I wasn't. I need to make a more conscious effort to mind my portion sizes. I have been getting better about weighing all my food and measuring the amounts I eat, but apparently I need to do a bit better. This is all new to me and I cant just "eye" something and know how much a portion should be. I also need to have more veggies and side dishes on hand. Like salads and things like that. Maybe we need to go to Sam's and get a couple of those really big bags of salad mix... that is something to think about. So my goal for this week is to weigh and measure everything I eat.

Winding Down Week 4

2010-03-20T10:24:00.003-08:00

I found it much easier to hit my calorie burn this week because it was so nice out. I took Hayden to the park, we took walks downtown... It is so much more enjoyable to burn calories actually DOING something then it is sitting on a stationary bike for an hour. I am finding it a challenge to eat as many calories as I should. I try to account for this by keeping .y deficit as close to my target as I can, but I am afraid of eating too much. So I ere on the side of caution, but I think I am too far over on that side! So I will see what my results are tomorrow and adjust from there. I have set myself some pretty high goals on my BodyBugg system. So I may need to be a bit more realistic.

I have been constructing a Goal List which I will post at a later date. I continue to edit the list because I have decided that no matter how small the goal seems it deserves a place on my list. The items range from being able to climb to the top slide on the playground with Hayden to having more shoe options to adding years to my life. I think it is important to remember why I want to do this, especially when it starts to get tough and I want to quit. I mean, staying fat is easy, but it wont get me any of those things on the list. If it did, then there would be no need to make the list. I want to be able to play with Hayden and keep up. I want to be able to ride the Kiddie Rides with him next year in Disney World. I want to buy cute strappy sandals. I want to have another baby... There are so many things that I want. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I make myself do without just because its easier. And the more I realize that the more angry I get with myself for settling in an unhealthy, sub par body. There are so many things to do with this life and this is what I have chosen to do with mine? I make me a little sad. No, a lot sad.

Watching hockey with Daddy

2010-03-16T17:50:00.002-08:00

Week 4

2010-03-07T06:48:00.002-09:00

Today is the start of Week 4. I guess I have been doing OK. I haven't been meeting my burn every day, but I believe I have hit my deficit everyday. Today was another pound loss. If I wasn't taking measurements I would be VERY discouraged at this point. BUT I am measuring my hips, waist and chest cuz those are the three I care about right now. I suppose I should do my thighs too, but I haven't been. I have lost two inches off my hips in the last two weeks, and an inch and a half off my waist, and 1/2 an inch off my chest. SO OBVIOUSLY, I am doing something. And though the scale doesn't reflect it, based on my Body Fat loss percentage I have lost 11.8 lbs of body fat, and I am VERY satisfied with that cuz the rest is muscle gain. I know that the scale will eventually start showing me numbers that I want to see, but its tough. The logical and sensible part of my brain is telling me that I am doing really good and the number on the scale is a VERY small part of the whole picture, just look at the measurements! But the other part of me, the brainwashed part, thinks that the scale should be telling me bigger losses and smaller numbers. I know how this works though. You wouldn't think it by looking at me, but I know that there are LOTS of factors that go into it: water weight, muscle gain, hormones... They are all "invisible" variables, but try telling that to my brainwashed side. I guess part of this battle is overcoming that, too. It is all about choices. I am still learning to make wiser choices when it comes to my health. If I change too many things at once, I will be overwhelmed and quit. And I am trying to avoid that. I am trying to overcome the brainwashed said that would see me give up because the scale isn't saying what I want it to say. Good thing I have the logical side too that knows that no matter what I am eating better and exercising more and even if that's all I do, its better than what I WAS doing, because in the end, those things WILL pay off. I will feel better. I already do. I like exercising. I miss it when I don't do it. I feel guilty too, but more I miss it. Its 'Me' time when its just me and the TV, or my iPod, doing something that is good for ME. Not taking care of Hayden (though indirectly it does take care of Hayden cuz a healthier Mommy will be around longer for Mister Hayden and I can chase him around longer) I not cleaning up after Matthew and dealing with his mood swings. I am doing it for me, and I have to get used to that too. Accepting that it is ok to do something that is just for me. I am looking forward to when it gets nicer out and I can go walking with Vickie, or take Hayden to the playground where we can run around and Mommy wont get so tired as quickly. Its those goals that I try to keep in my mind. I have a list of goals for me. I will share those at a later time. But I decided that no matter how small the goal was, I was going to write it down, so that when I get discouraged, i can look at that list and remember why I am doing this in the first place. Its not to see a certain number on the scale, its to look at those things on my list and know that I can do them.

Long Time No See

2010-03-01T04:01:00.003-09:00

I know I haven't been updating this that much, but now I think I will. Amanda bought me a Body Bugg and at times I find myself wanting to say things and share my journey, but I guess I don't really know when I can sit down and do it. I have a minute now before Hayden wakes up so maybe I can start on that. As I said, Amanda bought me a Body Bugg, like what they use on the The Biggest Loser in order to track calorie burn and intake levels. The Bugg is strapped to your arm and monitors what your body burns and then you enter in what you eat and it does the calculations and stuff and shows you the deficit. You always know where you stand and I like that. It is like having a bit of control, knowing how many calories your body is burning. Having that control gives me a mindset of having control over what goes into my body as well. I like that. I am a bit obsessive about checking my calorie burn but I think at this point I need to be. At least until I am more aware or my body and the things that it does and needs. I am starting my third week. The first week I lost like 5 lbs. This last week I only lost 1 pound, but I am ok with that cuz its Women's Week, and I lost an inch around my waist and an inch around my hips so I know its muscle gain that offset my fat loss. And I am A-OK with muscle gain! I did bump up my weights a bit this week so, like I said, I am OK with one pound. I know I need to work a bit harder this week.

sledding

2010-01-25T15:28:00.002-09:00

Conversations with Charlie

2010-01-25T14:37:00.005-09:00

Halloween present from Grandma & Papa Whitmer

2009-11-02T16:01:00.003-09:00

Hayden got his very own cell phone as a Treat this Halloween. He pulls out a lot of his tricks in the these videos right after Grandma W. gave it to him. Enjoy.

My Little Lawn Gnome

2009-11-02T10:21:00.003-09:00

Hayden Dancing to "Thriller" on Halloween

2009-11-02T10:00:00.003-09:00

Playing with Tigger

2009-10-31T08:17:00.002-08:00

Hope this makes up for not posting lately!

2009-10-31T07:55:00.002-08:00

Wow, shame on me!

2009-09-10T07:28:00.004-08:00

I guess that it has been over a month since my last post/update. Wish I could say I was busy but that isn't really it. Matthew has started classes and so much of his time is spent on the computer. Since our laptop has crapped out on us, that leaves us with one computer. Which is ok, I would rather spend my free time with Mr. Hayden. He is growing and learning by leaps and bounds. He is adding a word a day to his vocabulary. It is fun as he becomes more vocal and is able to express himself in new ways. It also means he is throwing temper tantrums to get what he wants. He knows we can understand him, but I don't think he understands WHY we wont let him play with the electrical plug, or why he cant have two cookies. So we are dealing with that right now.
Like I said Matthew started classes up again. He is still working at the college and seems to be doing well. He was named to the President's List at MCC for maintaining a 4.0 GPA for his summer classes. He was VERY proud of that!
We are looking forward to going on vacation in November to WDW. And planning is underway for that trip. I am ready for some time off work, I am NOT looking forward to leaving the mister Haydens behind. But we all decided that he is just too young this time around. So his 1st trip may be in 2011. Thanks to our final PFD, we should be able to raise the funds in time to go.
Cant believe its September which means its almost time for hockey to start up again. We are pretty excited for that I haven't been to a live game since December or January... I think that is everything. Nothing too new. I'll try to keep up better but work and Hayden monopolize much of my time!

August 19th: State Fair, here I come! :)

2009-08-04T11:58:00.000-08:00

FOOD ON-A-STICK

The Iowa State Fair boasts nearly 200 food stands and more than 40 delectable items available on-a-stick. Here's the list as of August 2008:

Pickle on-a-stick
Pork chop on-a-stick
Corn dog
Cheese on-a-stick
Cajun chicken on-a-stick
Sesame chicken on-a-stick
Carmel apple
German sausage on-a-stick
Teriyaki beef on-a-stick
Corn on the cob on-a-stick
Cotton candy
Veggie dog on-a-stick
Turkey drumstick
Nutty bar
Fried pickle on-a-stick
Hot bologna on-a-stick
Shrimp on-a-stick
Chicken on-a-stick
Monkey Tails (chocolate covered banana on-a-stick)
Taffy on-a-stick
Honey on-a-stick
Ice cream Wonder Bar
Deep fried Snickers bar on-a-stick
Deep fried 3 Musketeers bar on-a-stick
Deep fried Milky Way bar on-a-stick
Deep fried Twinkie on-a-stick
Lamb on-a-stick
Meatballs on-a-stick
Deep fried hoho on-a-stick
Fudge Puppy (waffle drenched in chocolate syrup and topped with whipped cream)
Chili Dog on-a-stick
Funtastick Pork on-a-stick
Dutch letters on-a-stick
Turkey tenders on-a-stick
Deep fried hot dog on-a-stick
Chocolate covered cheesecake on-a-stick
Potato Lollipop (4 thick slices of russet potato deep fried and on-a-stick with dipping sauces)
Pineapple on-a-stick (Fresh pineapple dipped in funnel cake batter and deep fried)
Chicken lips on-a-stick (breaded chicken breast smothered with hot sauce, served with blue cheese dressing).
Cornbrat on-a-stick (bratwurst dipped in corndog batter)
Frozen fudge brownie on-a-stick
Ice cream cookie sandwich on-a-stick
Rock candy on-a-stick
Salad on-a-stick
Hard-boiled egg on-a-stick

2009-07-04T06:38:00.002-08:00

I have almost lived through Hayden and Matthew being gone. The first day was really rough. But I spent last night at Mom and Dad's so that helped. And this morning I slept until 8:30!!! Maybe being by myself isn't so bad after all. It is just so quiet. And I miss Misters' laugh. Coming home from work and he wasn't at the top of the stairs laughing and smiling because I was home... That was hard. But they will be home tomorrow sometime. Mom and I are going shopping in Davenport so that will eat up the day until they get home. Misters' tee shirts are starting to be little small on him. I think he needs an 18 month size. So I am going to go try and find some clothes for him. And thanks to Vicki, I have been craving some soup, salad and breadsticks. I still need to clean the bathroom which is what I am avoiding right now. But the bathtub is pretty gross. I hate giving Hayden a bath in it... so I have to do that. And I need to go get Hayden a couple Camelbak water bottles. He will only use our big water bottles to drink out of. He does well with a straw but he does AWEsome with our water bottles so I am going to go get him a couple that are small enough that he can carry them around. They sell them at Scheels. So I have to go to Coralville, but I hate that its raining. So I will clean the bathroom and hopefully it will lighten up by the time I am done. And while I am there I might as well get some ice cream...LOL.

2009-06-10T05:55:00.003-08:00

I am having fatigue day today. It has been awhile since I have had a bad one. Its a hard thing to explain, but it helps when your boss has a DIL who also has MS, so she gets it when I have an off day. It is, otherwise, a very difficult thing to explain to someone who has no experience with this type of fatigue. Its different from being tired, or worn out even. Its like a total and complete lack of energy to do anything even as small as blinking, so it becomes a conscious effort to do even the smallest thing which takes more effort than you have energy for, its a vicious cycle. And here I am wasting my time typing. I am just hoping to highest hopes that we are not busy today. Or in the very least I am hoping that everyone will do their own work so I don't have to exert too much effort. Here's hoping.

Misters is already improving so much. If you haven't heard, he has his first ear infection, just in his right ear. He has amoxicillin and it seems to be helping him already! He never really exhibited the "classic" ear infection symptoms like fever or ear tugging, he was just kinda whiny and slept a lot and had a running nose which is how he acts when he is teething, so I didn't think too much of it. Till his eye got gunky and then I started to worry. So anyway, he is already VASTLY improving and seems to be in a much better mood. And in my defense, he WAS teething cuz his other top tooth FINALLY came in! we've been waiting FOREVER for it to pop through and it finally did! But he is much happier now. Even the daycare lady noticed yesterday. They wrote on his paper for yesterday that he had a "great day". Matthew had to explain that what they experienced was the REAL Hayden. The one that isn't teething and doesn't have a raging (aka:mild) one ear infection. LOL

I have to get this out...

2009-06-09T05:36:00.004-08:00

...before I explode. When it comes to customers, I have a high level of professionalism. I will joke when the time calls for it, but when I am on the phone, is not the time for jokes. So yesterday I answered the phone and the person that the customer asked for had stepped out and so that is what I told them. And as I was asking if they would like voicemail, one of the tellers hollered that the person was coming back in the back, so I stopped what I was saying to tell the customer that they had just come back, except they hadn't. The teller thought it was a funny joke, except I wasn't laughing. I was pissed because now I look stupid because I just told them they weren't here, then they were here, and then I had to tell them that they weren't actually here. I was so mad. How could you think that was funny? So I looked up at the teller and I knew my face was red, cuz I was mad. They're Like "Oh look at you all embarrassed." Yes, I WAS embarrassed, not because I fell for your stupid "joke" but because you made me look like a fool to the customer on the phone, but mostly because I was pissed off that they would do that while I was on the phone with a customer! I am still upset about it. The customer was laughing after I smoothed it over and explained the mistake, but I just can't believe that. There is a time to joke and there is a time for business.

2009-06-08T07:59:00.002-08:00

I guess it has been awhile since I have posted anything. I don't really have much to post about lately. Just busy working and squeezing in as much time with my boys as I can. I haven't had a weekend with Matthew for almost 2 months now. We always have other things to do. I am trying to make a point of going to Mom and Dad's for lunch on Sundays.

We are taking the Misters to the doctor today, and by "we" I mean Matthew is taking him and I will be sitting anxiously waiting to hear what they have to say. He just hasn't been able to shake this cold and now his eyes keep getting all mattery. I suppose it was only a matter of time though, as much as he rubs his runny nose and then his eyes. So we will see what they say... hopefully it isn't anything... just a cold.

Matthew started English Comp today. This is the class he was dreading, but its better to take it now and get it over with so he can focus on Math come fall.

We got alot of weeding done yesterday, finally. I worked on the front, which was overgrown with clovers. Matthew worked on the back. He cleared out one of the back beds. He pulled out everything and planted his garden. He is very excited. So hopefully, we will have Sweet Corn, Beets (for me), Squash and Sugar Baby watermelon. He worked VERY hard yesterday so I am hoping that everything will come up.

Edit: Hayden has an ear infection in his right ear.

2009-05-20T11:11:00.004-08:00

On Sunday, Misters and I went out to Mom and Dad's to hang out and have lunch. Mom gave Hayden his first haircut. She was reluctant to cut off his curls, but I think he looks much better. He looks like a little boy!

First Day at Daycare.

2009-05-18T07:07:00.002-08:00

So today is D-Day. D for Daycare. Matthew dropped him off this morning. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. He said that Hayden was walking around and laughing and playing when Matthew left him. That is a small comfort when you are trusting near strangers to take care of your baby. Maybe it is more that this is another way I have to let him go, but I don't want to. I know he will be fine. He isn't afraid of strangers. He will [play and eat and laugh and poop, just like he would at home. I am doubting he will sleep there. Not at first anyway. I was standing in the living room after Matthew had left and looking around at all of the Mister's toys, that he should have been there playing with, my heart broke. Just ripped in two. I console myself with the thought that it is only a couple of days a week and for only a few hours. And then he will be with Grandma. But it is little comfort. I don't want to share him. I know that's selfish, but I don't want to share his laughter and his smiles and his talking and his silly Mister walk and his dancing. I don't want to share that with strangers. I don't want him to waste his adorableness on people who will not appreciate it as much as I do. Maybe that is what it boils down to: I don't want to share him.

2009-05-12T05:58:00.003-08:00

Well, lets see. I don't really know what I have to talk about. I had a nice Mother's Day. We went out to Mom and Dad's and had lunch and made chocolate ice cream (Yummy!) I was pretty upset that Mom's present didn't come in time, but there isn't much I can do about it. Saturday I FINALLY went to the DMV and got my license changed over. It was kinda sad for me. It was that one little string that was tying me to Alaska was snipped. Granted, I have one more FANTASTIC tie to AK, which would be my Misters. But he is tied, not me, and it was like that license was MY last connection. So it was pretty sad to let that go. But I must move on. Its what I have wanted to do for so long now, and now I have to actually do it. But it is nice to have it done so I can stop thinking about it.

Work is going really well. I enjoy it. And I don't dread coming to work every morning, which is a change for me! If I do have to leave I think I will be really sad. Matthew starts classes next week, so Mister is about to go to Daycare. I still hate the idea of it, but I have no choice and it does seem like an ok place and Cassie says she has heard nothing but good things about it, so that was another mark in the pro column. Really, I haven't heard anything bad either, not that I think about it. I guess we are just starting a new stage in our lives. I am excited that he will be spending more time with my Mom. He just loves her so much. I had several people comment on Sunday about how much he lights up when he sees her (She was up front singing in the choir) As soon as he spotted her he just giggled and smiled... It was really adorable. I was feeling especially emotional, being Mother's Day, holding my son...and then the choir started sining "Go in Love" and I went from smiling to crying in a blink of an eye. I hadn't expected that it would affect me quite that dramatically. I mean it wasn't the first time I have heard it since Grandpa's funeral, but it was hearing for the first time, with Hayden in my arms. Knowing how much Grandpa would have adored my son...I just lost it. So I apologize to Nicole, who lost it, cuz I did...Unfortunately she was up there trying to sing...

Anyway... I guess that all. Most of this was ramblings anyway. OH! if you want to see some videos, Matthew has posted some on his blog, so hop on over there to see those!

Mister's 1st Birthday.

2009-04-24T10:32:00.002-08:00

We sang to the Misters right when he woke up. He had the most confused look on his face, so cute. And then after I got off work, we went out to Mom and Dad's. They got him a Little Tikes swing to put on the big swing set, and he LOVES it. They also got one to put up at our house, so Grandpa will have to find some time to come out and put it up somewhere. Wendy and Vicki both got him presents. Wendy got him some bocks and a bubble machine ad Vicki got him the cutest monkey pj's. That was so sweet of them. Our present hasn't gotten here yet, hopefully, it will get here before Sunday but we're running out of days! Today we took him to IC for his 12 month well-baby. He got 3 shots. It should have been 2 but he is WAY behind on the Hib, so we did that today too. He did SO good. He cried right when they stuck him, but then he was fine. He is 26 1/2 inches long and weighs 22 lbs. His head in 19" and in the 90 %. Which is what it always has been, but if his body is going to catch up with his head, we're gonna have a big boy. We took him to Build A Bear and made him a monkey. We named him Mo and Hayden loves him. He held him all through the mall and only dropped him once, which is good for the Misters. Then we went to Bennigans and he had a grilled cheese sandwich and ate almost all of it!

I should have just taken the whole day off. It is a little too warm for me. I was hoping to ease into the 80's a little slower. But it is so nice out, who's gonna come to the bank? Anyway, I have the living room almost dusted and that is all the farther I have gotten so far on the house. I want to get the living room done and maybe the bathroom tonight so we just have the kitchen and the sun room to do tomorrow. But I think Lew and Kelsey are going to be here tonight, but don't know when... Anyway. I will post some pictures of Hayden swinging when I get a chance.

2009-04-17T10:04:00.003-08:00

I guess it has been awhile since I have posted. Things are going well. I have really adjusted well to the bank. It is better than I thought it would be. Vicki, Wendy and I get along well. Wendy and I actually worked at Wal-Mart in Muscatine together Well, together isn't an accurate description, at the same time would be better. Small world. I am really focusing on the Misters Monkey Party coming up next week. I cant believe my baby is going to 1. But we need to get the house ready for the "hundreds of people" who are coming. (Matthew thinks I invited too many people) I am pretty sure we will be ready. Mom said she would come over tomorrow and help me clean the sun room, so that eased my mind a bit. I a,m fretting a bit cuz I have to work tomorrow and I have the Girls' Day outing on Sunday so my weekend has, essentially, been cut in half. I am looking forward to a weekend when I don't have to do anything, but I don't have one of those in the foreseeable future, which sucks. Next week, on Friday, Misters has his 12 month well baby check up. I am VERY interested to know what that kid weighs now. He isn't big, but he is SOLID. Like you look at him and you don't expect him to weigh much until you pick him up... Anywhoo. I think that is about all. I don't think there isn't too much "new" stuff to report, just more of the same, really.

He's Walking!!!!!

2009-04-06T15:54:00.005-08:00

2009-03-31T07:40:00.005-08:00

I am getting so excited about Mister's Monkey Party. He is just so adorable. He makes it so hard to leave in the morning. But I looks forward to coming home to his laugh everyday. The last couple hours that is what gets me through. Yesterday was especially wonderful I was walking up the front steps, and he was laughing and smiling, and he looks right at me and says, "Hi!" Matthew's jaw dropped. My head snapped up and I was like "Did he just say hi?" And Matthew was like "I was just going to ask you that!" So I am writing it down as a first word. Whether it was, or coincidence (which I cant believe it is cuz he has said 'hi' at the appropriate time before) I want it written down. If it wasn't then I'll cross it out, but I am just afraid if I don't then I wont remember on down the road. But it was enough that Matthew and I both took notice at the same exact moment. I know its early, but he looked at me and I could just see that he knew what he was saying. That's hard to dismiss.

I am also very excited about WDW. How can I not be? We are FINALLY going. We have been waiting for this since we got on the bus at Pop Century to go to the airport. But more than that, I get to share it with Mom and Dad. So I know how Matthew felt the first time he took me. And I am happy that Matthew is trying to watch all the movies before we go. He said things mean a little more to him know that he has seen the movies. Like he didn't know the Blue Fairy was from Pinnachio, and she was the fairy of wishes. And he watched Beauty and the Beast for the first time. I love that movie so much, and I have been waiting, impatiently, for them to rerelease it, but I borrowed Amanda's copy, so I loved that I was there for him watching it the first time.

I have to say that this move, leaving Alaska, has worked out a lot better than I thought it would. I didn't think I would be so... satisfied with the results. I like my job. I dont mind going to work in the morning (I don't like leaving my Boys) But being back in Wilton isn't what I thought it would be. I told myself that I would make the best of it, but in the back of my mind I was doubting it a little. But its kinda fun. Its fun to be involved and people know who we are. We're pretty famous around here. Till the novelty wears off, anyway. But the Bank is kind of a central hub in this town so its kinda fun to be in the middle of that, lol. I guess I'm a bit of an elitist, For now anyway. But our good fortune in all of this has not been lost on me. Trust me. I am thankful, everyday, of how the pieces have come together.

2009-03-27T06:37:00.004-08:00

I have a few minutes so I thought, since it had been a while since I had blogged, I would do that. The job is going good. There is a lot to learn, but I seem to be catching on. The Proof machine was a challenge, but mostly because I had a hard time reading the numbers people write on their checks. So I would, often times, not balance for that reason. So I would have to go back and find the offending amount. I am doing Panini this week and I apparently rock at it. My first day, Vicki and Wendy were so impressed at how well I did, and in the end I balanced so they were VERY happy. That's what I am waiting for right now. But its going good. I get along with most everyone. Vicki and Wendy are so funny.

Misters is such a big boy. I hate leaving him in the morning but it isn't as bad as it will be when Matthew starts school and I have to leave him with someone else. It is easier now cuz he is with Daddy. I just HATE that someone else will be seeing him grow up. That's why I am glad it will only be a couple days a week. The majority of the time he will be with family, so I guess I can live with that. I don't really have a choice.

I guess that's it for now. Everything is good. OH! No! the most exciting part, we have our Disney trip booked and paid for!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! I am so excited. Now the next 8 months are going to DRAG by. And I FINALLY got the stuff for the Mister's birthday ordered. The monkey party is on. I am planning for Sunday, April 26th. I will be sending out invitations when I get those, but that is the date. I don't have a time yet, but I was thinking 2ish. For cake and ice cream, and I might have some snacky foods. Some dips and chips and monkey bread and stuff like that for people to munch on. I am so excited to host a party at my house. I just need to get the sunroom cleaned out cuz if it is nice out I would like to have the party out there, and on the patio. So we'll see how that plays out.

4th Day

2009-03-09T16:40:00.002-08:00

Retha didn't come to work today. (I have been training with her) Her cousin, John Whitmer (no relation), passed away and she has to make all the arrangements. What did that mean for Emily? I was on a window by myself today. I was a little nervous, but I only made a couple mistakes, just things I hadn't been shown, and didn't realize that I was doing it wrong. And at the end of the day, my drawer was only over $5, so not too bad. I don't mind working there. I am the new kid and everyone is pretty nice. I got a weird vibe off only one of the girls, but I think she's warmed up to me. I just felt like she didn't want to have to babysit me. So in the beginning, if I needed help, she wouldn't SHOW me, she'd just DO it FOR me. But I can totally understand that. I can relate to not wanting to have to babysit. I know its easier to do it myself...I've been there. But, like I said, she's warming up to me. I feel like I proved something today, that I don't NEED a babysitter. I'm smart, I catch on fast, and I am not going to be a burden. So she was a bit warmer to me today. I'll wear her down, and if not, I'll be in the "back" room soon and not up front. I want to be clear, she isn't mean or rude to me or anything, just kinda tolerates my being there. Like when she's talking, like telling a story, she wouldn't look at me to include me in the conversation with everyone else, but today she did a bit toward the end on the day. So that's progress, I guess.

My First Day

2009-03-04T16:19:00.003-09:00

...went pretty smoothly. I am working up front as a teller for a couple weeks, so I get the ins and outs of the bank biz before I move to the "back" room. I have my own desk, with my own phone and extension, and computer. Its a lot of little stuff that you have to keep track of, but I did ok. My drawer balanced so it was a successful day. We'll see how much I retain tomorrow, but all in all it went ok for a first day. I am still concerned that the pay will not be enough, but I am hoping that Matthew gets this intern position cuz I don't think he has started, seriously, looking for employment. And we will be needing a second income. I am covering the insurance and probably groceries, so we have cars, utilities and WTC that will need to come from somewhere. I guess that s where most of my disappointment about not getting the clinic job, stemmed from. Yes, it was a commute and I would be paying more for gas, but the Doc would have paid our premiums every month so that wouldnt be coming out of my check. And that was why I was so bummed, for lack of a better word, because it wasnt all disappointment, it was also worry about the pay difference.

We need to transfer our registrations and I don't know how much that will be, but that needs to be done soon. I also need to get my license changed over, now that I am employed in Iowa I can go get that done. Well, that and I have been putting it off cuz I didn't want to do it, but I cant put it off too much longer. If I go in before it expires, I probably wont have to take the test, but if I wait, I'll will have to and I don't want to take it.

So with all of this going on now, I am feeling more like we live here. It seems more like "home". I say "home" cuz its always home but it hasn't been "home" in almost 7 years. I never thought Iowa City would become "home" when I moved there, but it did. I didn't want Alaska to become "home", but it did without my realizing it. So I know, in time, I will feel back at "home" in Wilton. And then where ever we go from here, the same will happen. Anywhere I can hang my pictures will become home sooner or later. Just give me enough time.

Job

2009-03-02T18:03:00.003-09:00

Welp, I didn't get the Eye Clinic job. I am pretty bummed. I was pretty hyped for it. I just built it up in my head, and then I didn't get it, so there has to be a bit of a mourning period. I'll get over it. I guess it is cuz its something that is so different from what I am used to, which is good in the end. It will be a challenge. And I know that there is a reason why I didn't get that job at this time. And it is a comfort knowing that I will be close to Hayden, if he needs me. And I don't have to make that drive everyday. I am a bit concerned about the pay... but hopefully that can be negotiable down the road. Tomorrow is a different day and things will be what they are and what has been set in motion. At least I have a job, and I am grateful for that, I know to be grateful for that. So once again I will be joining the workforce. Boo. LOL.

The Arrival of the Moving Truck

2009-02-24T18:45:00.002-09:00

2009-02-24T18:03:00.002-09:00

AHHHHHHH! I am so sick of all of this crap sitting around everywhere. The living room is done. So at least I have that done. But nothing else is finished. Mister's room is almost done except for a shelf and the jerseys need hung, which I asked Matthew you do, but he hasn't gotten to yet. We went to Mom and Dad's today and packed up me and Mister's stuff that was there and hat has all been put away. We have to get another brace for the pole in my closet cuz its bowing. It was kinda before I started hanging anything on it, but now it looks like it could just snap. There are still some boxes left in the little room, and there are a bunch downstairs, but I don't have to try to walk around those, so I am not as concerned about them. I am just ready to be done with this unpacking crap. Its just so much little stuff. I don't remember if I mentioned that we went to Menards yesterday and got the surround for the tub and paint for the bathroom. So We can get started on that soon. I am actually pretty excited about the bathroom. It is going to be so cute. I took a shower downstairs yesterday. It wasn't horrible, but I'm SOOOOO glad I wont have to shower down there all the time. It would be next to impossible for me to shave my legs don in that shower! I am excited to get my bathroom. Mathew is just going to keep that downstairs bathroom as his and the upstairs will be mine.

Lora Knouse called me to set up a second interview. I scheduled it for Friday. Since I am meeting with Dr Jensen on Thursday. I am expecting that to go well, but if it doesn't for whatever reason, I have the bank to fall back on. And if it goes good, then I can just call Lora and let her know that I am excepted another position. And Jim called Matthew and let him know about an IT intern position with a company that is working on the computers at their office in Moline. And the guys, at least the son, is former military so that is a BIG bonus. So he may be going to school and working this internship. He seems pretty excited about that. I wonder if MCC offers credits for an internship? Prolly if you get the internship through them. Maybe he should ask Shelly... Anyway...

Misters seems to be adjusting well. We put him back on his bedtime routine and he is doing fine. Back to normal sleeping. He isn't really taking naps though. But there is a lot going on here. He does take naps, they just aren't very long. Sometime only 10 minutes, but he seems to be fine after only 10 minutes. He is having some issues with his two top teeth. They are right at the surface, you can see them, they look like two little bubbles, but they just wont break through. So in the next couple of days, hopefully, he will have at LEAST one more tooth, if not two. I think he is enjoying his new home. I know he is happy to have the kitties back. He just squeals and smiles whenever he sees them. He has started tugging on tails. Grizzly tolerates it fine, cuz it its too hard. But Jackie doesn't like him trying to touch her and she has started nipping at him and trying to bite him. So we have to keep a VERY close eye on her when Hayden is around, but she usually avoids him. Sleeping on our bed while he is out here and then coming out when he goes to sleep.

We will be sending out a special edition of Picture Thursday this week. Along with Misters pics, we will be sending out pics from Matthew's drive home. And we recovered the pictures that were on the crashed hard drive that were supped to be included in the 1-15 Picture Thursday edition, so those will be in there too. I will also try to gather up the moving pictures from AK and delivery day here in IA. But that is low on my list of things to do right now.

Ok, I think that is enough for now.

2009-02-23T15:22:00.003-09:00

I guess I have a few minutes. Our stuff was delivered on Friday. I am exhausted. I want to be done with all these boxes. I sick of having to maneuver around the house. Mom has the kitchen painted. It looks so good. I am VERY happy with the color, it really brightened the room up. We went and got paint for the bathroom and a tub surround to get the shower ready. I don't know when they will come to put it in, but I would say next week at the latest. We still have some boxes downstairs, but I am not as concerned with those because they are out of the way. What I really want is a complete room. I have every room started and none finished. I realize it has only been a couple days but it is getting really annoying to have all this chaos everywhere. If I had one room that was complete, then I could have somewhere to go that was away from the chaos. The living room is close. Not complete, but very close, close enough that it isn't a chore to be in there. I would like to get a footstool to go with the couch. I kinda wish we had kept the ottoman from the hated couch, but whatever. Let's see, what else. I do expect to be done by the end of the week. If I'm not don't by then, I will have lost my mind because this is just making me go crazy. So I WILL be done by the end of the week. Plus, I need to go to Mom and Dad's and pack all of our stuff back up and move it here. i am NOT looking forward to that!

I had an interview at the eye place. It went REALLY good. I am going back on Thursday to meet Dr. Jensen, and if I have his approval, then the job is mine. I am SO excited. Sara, the girl who interviewed me, said she wanted to let me know about Doc before I met him cuz he is very "Iowan" in his humor and it catches some people off guard. She goes "He is probably the most un-PC person you have ever met." To which I laughed and responded, "I don't know, you have never met my father!" I'm not worried, I can hold my own. Also, the bank called me today and wanted to set up a second interview. I need to call tomorrow. I am thinking about making it for Friday, so if Thursday goes well then I can call them and tell them I accepted a different position. I like the idea of working right in Wilton, but I am not really qualified for the job, so it would be a lot of learning. Whereas, I have to drive to Iowa City everyday, but I am so much more qualified for that job, and I'd be good at it. And the other girls who work there (there are 5) are all my age, or close to it. And I wouldn't live in the same small town as the people coming in... I was a little weirded out by that, I guess. And Jensen's offers insurance coverage, no dental, but health. And we get one free eye exam a year, and I get one free pair of glasses a year, and then my contacts and Matthew's glasses would be at cost so that is awesome. But I don't know if they cover Chiro appointments, but I could deal with later.

I am feeling pretty good right now. Better than I have felt in a LONG time. Once I get this job, a weight would be lifted off of me. But overall, I feel pretty good. I am having fun with the house, picking out paint and stuff. I am getting a little more used to the idea of living in Wilton. It was weird at first, but it helps that it comes with built in friends. I mean apart from the fact that I have my family here, a lot of my friends are still in the area and that is nice. I was so tired of being lonely. I mean I love Matthew and he is my best friend, but I like being able to go out and do something and leave them at home... have a break. I have been needing it, and I haven't really gotten it yet. But that is for a different venting post. I guess for right now, I am just tired of making decisions. I understand that when it comes to the house he doesn't want to do something without asking, but when it comes to Hayden, don't ask me everything!!!!!! I think at this point it is habit. "Do you think he's tired?" "Do you think he's hungry" I don't know! If you think he's hungry, feed him. You don't have to ask my permission. Its getting really old. And the worst part is that when I say "I don't know." He gets mad at me. Like I am supposed to know everything. I don't. Make a decision on your own. If you have an idea, try it out either it will work or it wont. But like I said I think at this point its habit. But since he is now too busy doing something VERY important., I have to go get a bottle ready for Hayden.

Daddy's come home...

2009-02-16T07:46:00.002-09:00

Finally. After a month of waiting Matthew returned yesterday, safe and sound. It is so good to have him back. Hayden reacted just as I figured he would, he cried. He was kinda scared at first. You could tell he knew the voice, but wasnt sure about what the voice was coming out of. But then he grabbed on to Matthew's nose and then he knew who he was, lol. He was a bit unsure all of last night. He was hesitant to go to Matthew. I know it was hard on Matthew, but he handles it well. Then this morning we were all laying in bed and Hayden was in between us, and he looks at me and then over at Matthew for a while. And then back at me like "Is he really still here?" and looks back at Matthew and reaches out and touches him and looks back at me, and then smiles back at Daddy. Like he had to convince himself that Daddy was back. And now all is well. He is laughing and smiling at him. Last night, Hayden wouldnt smile at him. He would just kinda glare, like he was mad at Matthew for not being with us. And Matthew even said "I think he's mad at me." But he seems to be over it now. Matthew is out of Daddy-mode, so we have to get him back into that mindset. And Hayden has new habits and tendencies that he isnt used to. But they will be spending a lot of time together.

The Eye Care place called today and I have an interview. I am pretty excited. I want this so much. Maybe too much. But I am VERY happy that they called. Ok, Matthew is awake now so I will fill you all in on the rest later.

2009-02-12T19:16:00.003-09:00

I am sick with anticipation for Matthew's return. Everyday goes by and its one day closer but at the same time its still SO far away. I feel like I have been waiting forever for him to be here. And now its only 3 more days, but its still 3 more days. Oh well. We are going to Iowa City tomorrow so I can fill out that application for the eye care place. I still have high hopes for that. I had my bank interview today. It went well. I just think there are more qualified people out there than me. And I am still not sure if I would even want to work there. I mean its REALLY close to home, which is a good thing and a bad thing. You know? I mean everyone there knows mom and dad and Matthew's family...and I would just feel weird I guess. But it went pretty well, I think I answered their questions ok. It was nice not HAVING to talk about LA. Well, I did, but it went well, cuz throughout I was giving examples of "good" work environment and "bad" environment and I eluded to LA almost every time on the bad so Lora asked if I had ever been fired from a job, and I didn't have to say anything but yes, I was but that was the "bad" job I was eluding to, and I just said that I was accused of something I didn't do, because the owner was trying to find any reason to get rid of me before I hit my 2 year mark and I became more expensive. Which is the truth. And it felt good that I didn't have to say anything more, or defend myself against that stupid woman anymore. Well Mom wants to try and get an early start tomorrow so we can go to the house and get some cleaning done and some moving stuff around done, as best we can do with just the two of us and the Misters, who will be an enormous help I am sure. So I should go to bed now.

2009-02-11T14:53:00.002-09:00

Ray came this morning to look at the upstairs bathroom. He said it wouldn't take much at all yo put a shower in. A couple hours work is all. A new faucet that has a diverter thingy, and a little more plumbing. So it sounds like it is doable soon. I just need to find a surround I like, or decide if I want to tile a surround... whatever is less expensive I imagine. Mom found some bigger tiles in white, cream and beige that would look nice, and they were on sale. She didn't buy them, of course, but it is an option if we wanted to pursue it. We also painted the inside of the kitchen cabinets today. Just white, and we were very careful not to get any paint on the wood, but we just couldn't get the walls clean, and it REALLY brightens up the inside of the cupboards so you can see. It looks MUCH cleaner, and I'm sorry that you have to mourn the loss of that BEAUTIFUL green color, but I think we will all be better off! I didn't want to get anything on those cupboards so we were insanely meticulous and it took FOREVER. There is a sand paint on the walls, and it just sucked up the white paint. I am going to feel it in my shoulders tomorrow. I am getting a bit nervous for my interview tomorrow. I would maybe feel better if I knew what I was interviewing for. Oh, and the Eye place called, they already got my resume (I just mailed it yesterday, right?) and asked me to come down and fill out an application, so I have to go do that. I might do it right after my interview tomorrow since Mom will have the kid and I will look decent. I don't want to go looking like a hot mess. I better get the table set for when Dad gets home.

Some Updates

2009-02-10T19:36:00.003-09:00

I am assuming, because Matthew hasn't called me yet, that there isn't a working phone on board the ship... I wasn't really expecting there to be. He got some good news though, one of the guys from his shop, John Wayne, is on the ship with him. So I was happy to hear that. I am getting so excited for him to get home. We are going to St. Louis on Tuesday to get my car. And Laurie said that the Arsenal called and our stuff is here, waiting for a delivery date. Too bad I don't have a house that's ready for it to go in... but Mom and I are going back tomorrow to do more cleaning and probably some moving furniture. Gotta have somewhere to put the bed and the crib... but we'll do what we can and then when Matthew gets home, we'll be able to do more. But we have a lot to keep me busy until Sunday.

Oh, I have an interview at the bank on Thursday. I have several resumes out, but they have been the first to call. I am not even sure what the job is! Mom was in there on Friday and Bill Vetter told her that they had just posted an opening and that I should turn in my resume. Mom is going to call Annette tomorrow to see if she can get some info on what he job actually is... I am really excited about this job at an eye care place in Iowa City. I want that one too much, so I am sure that means they wont call. It is so cush...and full benefits. So send out good thoughts on my resume situations. I went to Wilton today to drop off my resume at the bank and mail out a couple more, and I got to the bank and dropped it off to Lora Knouse, and I get back in the car to go to the Post Office, and there is only one envelop, and I KNEW I had both when I left the house. And I remembered that I had set them on the car when I put the car seat in, and I must have left one on the car. So I freaked. I pulled a total Coffee Mug, and drove off with it on the car, so I was hoping it fell off in the garage. So I drove all the way back home, and I pulled into the driveway (Keep in mind we had 35 mph winds today) and I pulled into the drive way and there was the manila envelop, caught in the lilac bush at the end of the driveway!! So I snatched it up and drove back to Wilton to the Post Office. So maybe that one will be good luck!

This last Sunday I went over to Sarah's house for game night. It was a little awkward cuz it was Sarah and her husband Mike, Katie and her boyfriend Brian, Cassandra and her husband Mike, and then me and the Misters. I wasn't going to bring him along, but the girls wanted me too, so I did. He was a hit, as he usually is anywhere we go. It was nice to be around friends again. To be invited to go somewhere... I have missed having friends...lol. We played Outburst, which I haven't played in years, and Catch Phrase. And they were playing Pictionary when I left. It was 9 and the Misters needed to go to bed. I'm kinda glad cuz he gave me a reason to leave cuz the teams were uneven with me there and I felt like the odd man out, but they didn't seem to care. I am sure it was a bigger deal to me than to them. Obviously...lol. I hope Matthew will be willing to go with me cuz we may end up making it a monthly thing and if we do, I don't want to be the 7th wheel every time, and I don't want to have to blow them off every month, especially since I have waited so long to have my friends back.

Movie Monday, Sorry its late...

2009-02-09T19:50:00.004-09:00

2009-02-09T19:16:00.004-09:00

2009-02-09T18:48:00.003-09:00

2009-02-09T08:26:00.005-09:00

2009-02-06T18:22:00.002-09:00

I realize that I kinda flipped out earlier. I want you to know I am better now. I am still stressed, but I needed to get all of that out. So all is ok. I wont say well, but it is ok. It'll be better in 8 days.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2009-02-06T10:37:00.002-09:00

I am so sick of being a single parent. I am tired of dealing with all of this alone. I am starting to get really stressed. i cant get a damn thing done. I am trying to get a resume put together and he wont leave me alone. i am tired of the crying, the whining. I am tired of constantly having to tell him no, and get him out of whatever he is getting into now. I am tired of him waking up at night. I am tired. I am running out of time. I am sick of Matthew being gone. I am tired of being stuck in this house cuz every time I try to leave, he needs to eat or sleep or throws a fit and I cant get him in his car seat on my own. I am tired of crying. Tears of frustration. Tears cuz I miss Matthew. Tears because i am sick of all of this. And I cant do anything about it. I am just going to lose it. Maybe I already have. I need help. I need him here. With me, not on some stupid boat in the middle of the ocean. I am tired of the poopy diapers and all the feedings. I am tired of having to do it all myself. I don't want to be a single parent. If I did I never would have gotten married. I am just at a breaking point. When mom gets home from work, I am going to leave him with her. I need a break. As much as I love my son, I need a break. He is driving me crazy.

2009-02-05T18:34:00.002-09:00

I hate that I have no contact with Matthew. I hate that it is impossible. 12 calls a day was getting annoying, but now I hate that he cant call me. I miss him. I am getting sick with waiting for him to come home. I keep picturing that moment when Hayden sees his Daddy again. I know he's going to do the same thing he does to me when I have been gone, he gets the biggest smile and then starts crying. It breaks your heart every time cuz if you hadn't left, he wouldn't have made that face. But Matthew loves when he makes the doggy lip face. So he should enjoy that... I am probably looking forward to Hayden seeing Matthew more than i am seeing him myself. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for him to be home, but I know Hayden misses his Daddy. I miss him.

To keep my brain occupied, I am having fun getting decorating ideas for the house. I am taking down the wallpaper in the kitchen (sorry to anyone who may have liked it, but its GOT to go) I am thinking about a blue... maybe a slate blue, more blue than gray. I am also thinking about tiling a back splash under the cabinets (I haven't decided if I'll go all the way around yet) in a blue tile, or multi shades of blue. I MIGHT paint the cabinets too, I haven't decided yet. I am just NOT a white wall kinda girl. I need color. I have been surrounded by white walls for too long. Its just a sign that the house is someone else's... I was also thinking a pale green for the living room. I like the small room's wall paper, so I don't think I am going to change that. I like the stripes. It will take some planning since the layout in the living room area, and the kitchen to the basement for that matter. But I am concentrating on those things right now. I am not going out and buying anything, or making any decisions with out Matthew but I thought it would help me keep my brain busy.

I just feel like I am waiting. All the time. Waiting for Matthew. Waiting for jobs to call. Waiting for this and waiting for that. Waiting to make a decision. Any decision. Waiting to know that it will be ok. Hoping it will be ok.

clapper

2009-02-04T16:14:00.003-09:00

More High Chair

2009-02-04T15:15:00.006-09:00

Dishwasher Helper

2009-02-04T14:58:00.002-09:00

High Chair

2009-02-03T20:39:00.008-09:00

2009-02-03T19:50:00.004-09:00

2009-02-02T13:16:00.001-09:00

Sorry about the lack of videos. I have 10 more to post and isnt working so I will try and get them up as soon as I can.

Helping Mommy at the Computer

2009-02-02T07:58:00.006-09:00

2009-02-01T10:46:00.002-09:00

It still feels like I am here on a visit. I know its cuz we are staying at Mom and Dad's but I still feel like we will be packing up and going back any day now. It will be different once we get into the house and it becomes our house, and we unpack our stuff, hang our pictures on the wall... I guess it is a strange feeling...I am afraid that people wont see it as our house. Especially Matthew. I am worried that it will always be their house. But I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to come home and have it not feel like our home. When I come home I want to be comfortable, and I want the same for Matthew. But I think it will help when we get our stuff in there. I hope it will. Because I know that kind of uncomfortableness is picked up on by Hayden. And I need for him to know that is his home, otherwise he will try to sleep in my bed forever and I cant have that! It will be fine. It will all work out and we will be fine. I have faith. I have faith...

I guess I am thrown for a bigger loop because I dont feel bad that we moved from AK. I mean there will be parts I miss, like the mountains, oh how I will miss those mountains. And hockey, of course. But Deep down, that was never really home. Not in the way Iowa is home. We didnt have anything to tie us to AK, besides Hayden being born there, I suppose. But we didnt have any really close friends or anything, not anymore. It was really just the three of us when it came down to it. I suppose that has a lot to do with why I dont really feel a loss at moving. I mean, when I moved from Iowa, I was homesick for months. I wouldnt sleep, I couldnt, and when I did it was because I had cried myself to sleep. But overall, I know that it made Matthew and I closer and stronger as a couple because we had only each other, really. Can you imagine what it would be like if, deep down, it turned out we didnt really "like" the other one? I mean, as a friend, as a person. Does that make sense? I think that is why divorce is so high in the military. (well, one reason) cuz you go to a new place and its justthe two of you, what happens when you discover that you dont really like the other person? People in Matthew's shop were always surprised that we went out and DID stuff together, that we were friends, and enjoyed each others' company. I knew a lot of people who would go out with friends or work extra hours or volunteer to go TDY cuz they wanted to get away from their spouse. Matthew always tried to get out of it cuz he didnt want to leave us. And that makes me happy. I miss my husband.

Overwhelmed, again

2009-01-29T20:30:00.002-09:00

Between this hunt for jobs and Misters' new attitude I think I am going to pull all my hair out. I am just feeling over my head here. I dont know what to do for the kid anymore. I know he is missing Matthew. And I know he is having insecurities, but this is getting old, FAST. He doesnt want me to leave the room. He wont take a nap unless I am holding him (which I will NOT do) and he wakes up at night and wants to sleep with me. And I just dont know what to do about it. I am trying to leave him for short amounts of time so he can see that I will come back, but it doesnt seem to be making any difference. Oops... Anyway. I am just hoping that when Matthew gets back, it will help qwell this fear and we can get him back on track.

more movies

2009-01-26T16:05:00.007-09:00

Movies

2009-01-26T11:35:00.011-09:00

2009-01-22T07:02:00.004-09:00

Today all of this will be over. We will know how much money Aurora is screwing us for, and we will know how much deeper the debt hole we are in will become. Here we go. Another crap hole of debt. I am so sick of this.

Oh, fabulous. Matthew just called with the fabulous price of our cleaning lady, who from the brief conversation we had, wasn't that good. She had better have been good enough for the price we are paying. Now Matthew thinks he could have done the same thing... But I don't know if he would have enough time. I am trying so hard to be optimistic, but it is so hard when, at every turn, something has gone wrong. I am just so glad the kitties were 1/2 the price we thought they would be so we haven't gone over our planned budget yet. It all falls with this inspection in a few hours, to see what the final price tag will be, but at least it will be over. And then all I have to be sick about is money and how we plan to get it. Or how I plan to get it, would be a better way of phrasing that. I am so tired of being sick to my stomach all the time. Why are we being punished for living in base housing? Why does this have to be so difficult? I know we are fighting a losing battle here. I feel like we are. And each set back makes it harder to believe that we aren't. The only thing that keeps me from giving up and climbing under a rock is knowing that Hayden and Matthew are depending on me, and I dont want to let them down. I can't. But that rock is looking pretty good right now.

Finally

2009-01-20T10:35:00.003-09:00

Yesterday was a LOOOONG day. Hayden did VERY well. I was so proud of him. He was such a good boy. The first 3 hours of the 5 hour flight to MN flew by (no pun intended) the last hour was tough cuz he wanted to be out of his seat, but that is basically the landing so he had to be in his seat. But we got into MN 45 minutes early. So instead of a four hour layover it was almost five. So we ate and talked and climbed on chairs and slept. He did alright. And then we get boarded onto the flight to Moline and it was taking forever and Hayden was getting restless sitting in his seat (I was pretty sure he was just tired) and I was silently cursing them for taking so long. Turns out it was because of our kitties. It was too cold down in cargo for them, so they flew in the cabin with us. They were good too. They didnt make a sound when they were being brought on board. I guess Jackie freaked out a bit at the beginning when Matthew dropped her off, so they put a sign on the kennel to not put your fingers in cuz she would bite. So while they were bringing the kitties on board the flight attendant thought that the sign was a joke, and I was just sitting there thiking "Its no joke. Ask our movers!" But they are safe and sound at Jim and Laurie's and doing very well there for the time being.

Everyone is asleep here, except for me. I will sleep tonight. I want to try to get adjusted to the time change and that wont happen if I take a nap. I am going to go get adjusted this afternoon, and I need to go to the Post Office. Those are my main objectives for today. Oh, and I need to get a few items like wipes and Misters Detergent. My suitcase was selected by TSA for inspection. The suitcase that had the formula in it. Two brand new cans. I figured they would be fine in the suitcase cuz they were new, so even if the top came off they still had the seal and I wouldnt get all over my clothes and shoes (do you see where I am going with this?) So in their inspection, they opened the can of fomula. Because when I opened my suitcase there was formula (expensive formula) all over my suitcase and everything in it. And I know they opened the can because the seal is completely missing. So it didnt explode or get crushed or anything. They opened it. It pisses me off. It was sealed. X-Ray it if you have to, but that stuff isnt cheap! And now I have to wash all of my undergarments, cuz thats what the suitcase was filled with, that and shoes and appliances and toiletries and formula. Randomly picked, my ass. There was a card on top of everything that said TSA preforms "random" luggage searches and my was "selected". Yeah, it just happened to be the one with the formula. If I had know they were going to tear the seal off, I would have put them in Ziploc bags, like I did the open one. I'm so annoyed.

I guess that is all for now. I am too worn out to do a lot of refelctive thinking and blogging about leaving Alaska. Mostly, I dont have the energy to start geting choked up about leaving and missing Matthew. I have the whole rest of the day to get through.

Moving day...sort of

2009-01-15T21:26:00.002-09:00

The movers came today. Man they worked fast. The whole house (except for the basement) is paced and ready to go. I was impressed. Our house is full of boxes. Boxes EVERYWHERE! But its done and we are feeling a bit better about this whole process. Misters did a good job. Jackie was a biotch as usual. She started out fine and then I think she got territorial and bite one of the movers. He was super cool about it, but we felt so bad. We wouldn't have let her stay out, but she was acting fine for most of the day. I think she was noticing things were disappearing. Anyway, It went pretty fast. I have some pictures to post. I will be doing a late Picture Thursday. Friday for all of you. Movie Monday wont be happening, sorry, we will be busy that day. Also we had our laptop crash, so a lot of videos are on the desktop now anyway, and that is packed away so it will be a fun surprise for later. Maybe I will try to get the movies up tomorrow while they are packing the truck.

Cleaning

2009-01-13T01:11:00.002-09:00

Its 1 am. I have decided to take a break. Matthew and I have come up with a deal where I will stay up and clean at night, since I can get more done without a husband and a baby under my feet, and he will get up and take care of Misters when I am sleeping, and then when I get up in the afternoon, I just head to work. So I don't get to see much of my boys, but at least things are getting done. Matthew has a tendency to take advantage of the fact that I am around. So he does all this stuff that he wants to do, mainly work out, at like the WORST times. He quit doing the windows in Hayden's room and left it to go work out, and it was nap time, so the blinds are wide open the stereo isn't turned on and I have a baby who wouldn't go to sleep cuz Mommy had to fix all this stuff and that made him wide awake... anyway... that is over and done with, windows are done, it was just an example.

I have been working on the kitchen. I don't really feel like I have accomplished anything. Which isn't really true, cuz I have been focusing on the appliances, small appliances. The ones that will be packed up in 2 days. I want them to be clean when they get packed, so I have been doing that. And the counters as I go. I have started working on the fridge, and as soon as that is done I will go to bed. I have been up since 7 this morning. I made a pot of coffee when I got home from work. So that is what is fueling me right now, besides the knowledge that I am SERIOUSLY running out of time. I wish I didn't have to go to work. That would make things a lot easier. But that is life, I guess. All these expenses keep popping up. I tell you, NOTHING about this has been easy. We have hit roadblocks at every turn. I am just praying that once we get to the other side of this move things will go a bit smoother. I am not asking that things just fall into place (though that would be nice) but just run a bit smoother. Where we don't have to struggle at everything. Its hard to stay calm. Matthew is just disgusted with Housing and that is making him edgy. He goes off the deep end at very small things. I am quite used to it. Dad used to be that way when I was younger so I know that when it happens you just stay quiet and out of the way till it blows over and then things will be fine again. I am used to it, He did kind of scare Hayden though cuz he slammed the window (which we found out was broken by the people here before us and didn't report it, so now we have to deal with it) I am just tired. Tired of this whole thing.

Well, I should get back to work. I think I am keeping the kitties up. They are trying to sleep and I am invading on their time I guess.

Diaper

2009-01-11T14:54:00.011-09:00

Stairs

2009-01-11T13:25:00.010-09:00

Bench Videos

2009-01-11T13:01:00.004-09:00

Movie Sunday

2009-01-11T11:25:00.002-09:00

I am doing "Movie Sunday" because this is going to be a CRAZY week. so this is to tide you over. I cant gurantee what Picture Thursday will be or what DAY it will be since the movers will be here on Thursday and we will be cleaning. I may do it on Wednesday. I am sure everyone understands the situation and I will not recive any flack for falling behind. You do NOT want to be the thing that pushes me over the edge!

Poop.

2009-01-09T10:24:00.004-09:00

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I am having difficulty wrapping my mind around the fact that in 9 days Hayden and I will be on a plane home. I have been preparing for this for what feels like FOREVER and it is finally here. And I am not sure what to do. LOL. Isn't that ironic? I have been trying to "do" for so long that now that I need to DO something I just don't know what to do.

#1 on my list is taking care of Misters. He has had the runs for 3 days now. He doesn't have a fever and he isn't cranky or anything, He just has really watery poo. Poor baby, has a hellacious rash too. I am trying to stay on top of the diapers, but its so watery that I cant keep him from getting the rash. Poor Misters. It looked better this morning. And he didn't wake up with Poo all over him so that is an improvement from the past couple days. I think he may be just a bit dehydrated so I have been pushing the formula and a bit of water. He loves drinking from a cup so I give him a bit of water. He did have tears when he was crying yesterday so I am not too concerned quite yet. He did have some pellets this morning, so that is promising. Unfortunately, the sink that the washer drains intois clogged and the repair people wont be here till this afternoon, so I have two hampers of my dirty clothes and a hamper full of poopy sheets and outfits that I cant wash. Is it funny that I have written a longer paragraph about Hayden's poop than I did on moving? Or is it funnier that you read it all?

Oh, and I should also mention that Matthew has started using his blog, for real this time. And he would appreciate your readership. He loves comments, and new followers. You can click on my link to the right under "My Favorite People" click on the hyperlink. Oh, and PLEASE vote in his poll... Please.

Last Ones

2009-01-05T16:52:00.015-09:00

It took me awhile to get these posted.

More...

2009-01-05T12:03:00.009-09:00